


Be my Hero

by xMidnightsLullaby



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Drama, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Heartbreak, Lemon, Love, M/M, NSFW, Romance, Rough Sex, Smut, explicit - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-24
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2019-05-27 19:33:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 48
Words: 71,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15031706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xMidnightsLullaby/pseuds/xMidnightsLullaby
Summary: Excerpt: Otabek didn’t say a word while Yuri was changing, but when the blonde skater opened his bun and rumpled his hair checking his appearance in the big mirror next to his wardrobe, he started speaking again: “So… you want to spent the night with someone?” he asked cautiously. “That’s the plan.” – “And anyone will do?” – “Well, I have some standards, but, yeah, I guess I don’t really care as long as he’s hot.” – “Then why don’t you stay here? I don’t like it when you spent the night with strangers.” The Russian turned towards his friend, slightly confused. “Did you get what I was talking about just seconds ago?” – “Yes, I did. You said that you wanted to go out and that anyone was fine.” – “I did, but…” – “Then why won’t you sleep with me?” | OtaYuri





	1. Ashes

„Fuck you, Beka. Just go and fuck yourself!“ Yuri shouted. As fast as he could he put on his shoes, grabbed his jacket and his keys and stormed out of the house letting the door fall shut as loud as possible. He was pissed. Although he knew somewhere deep back in his head that it was childish to get worked up so hard on something so stupid, he couldn’t control his anger. It was seething inside him and he needed to let it out somewhere.  
This shithead. It irritated him even more that Otabek had stayed calm leaning against the wall and just watching while Yuri had wanted to lay the whole apartment in ashes. Sometimes, he wasn’t able to control himself. A force inside him awakened and set his body on fire. Not the good kind. Not the one you feel when you see the one you love. Not the one that makes you melt in passion, but the one that destroys everything and everyone. 

Maybe he was just frustrated by the feelings he had to bury inside, Yuri thought while stamping down the deserted streets of St. Petersburg only accompanied by the street lamps’ flickering light and the light rain that caused little drops to run down on his jacket and to drip from his hair. But even they failed to cool his temper down. He really needed something to calm himself, like a cigarette (though Victor would kill him if he smelled the littlest bit of smoke on him) or Katsudon who he could punch right in the face. He was so pissed at Otabek, but he didn’t want to let it out on him. Yuri hated to admit, but he liked him. He has never liked someone so much except for his grandfather. He liked him more than was good for him. He liked him more than he should. 

As he walked the rain became even heavier and in a second it was raining cats and dogs. Yuri could feel his phone ringing inside his pocket. It wasn’t the first time since he stormed out, but he wasn’t feeling like answering. He knew it was Otabek and he assumed that he was worried. However, Yuri needed more time on his own. Another ring of his phone. Not a call, but a text message. Probably, Otabek asked him to return home. Their home. 

It had been fall, almost a year ago, when the Kazakh had told him that he was moving to Russia. He had wanted to improve his skating even more and the best coaches lived in St. Petersburg. Yuri still remembered how shocked he was for a second standing below the trees whose falling leaves coloured the park around them in a warm mixture of brown and red. Otabek had been troubled by the moment that Yuri forgot how to speak. Afraid that the Russian wouldn’t be happy about his decision he had already started to draw back. Still not able to talk Yuri jumped at him wrapping his arms around the other’s neck. He had been more than overjoyed that his best friend was moving closer to him. Regarding the distance their hometowns had, they were seeing each other quite often, but being able to be close to Otabek every day if he wanted, made Yuris heart beat fast. 

He had noticed quite a while ago that he had developed a small crush on his best friend. Not like he was loathing for his closeness or thinking about him every second, but enough to differ from admiration and friendship. He had caught himself smiling every time when Beka was looking at him and he has been anticipating their meetings already more than one or two years ago. Otabek has emitted such calmness, it made Yuri sweep along. Only around him the Russian has felt able to let his guard down. His friend has been the only person that knew about his fears and deepest wishes. He has loved being by his side ever since, so it was clear that Yuri had asked Otabek to live with him.

His ringing phone brought Yuri back to presence. Taking a look at it told him that it was already close to midnight. He had been spending two hours wandering around in the rain thinking about the past. In addition, his phone told him that Otabek had already called 10 times and had left about the same amount of messages. ‘He needs to stop worrying so much. I’m not a kid anymore’, Yuri thought. Of course, he felt flattered, but he didn’t want the Kazakh on his mind now. He was there way too often. He needed something to distract him, something to calm him down and make him forget about everything for some time. 

Without much thought, his legs had led him into a rather dark alley. The only light that shimmered in the puddle was emitted by purple neon signs. “Fame”. Yuri knew this club. He had already been there four or five times, maybe more. It was hard to be gay in Russia, but that didn’t stop the queer folks to come out at night to meet up and party in more or less hidden places. The “Fame” was such a place. Officially, it was just a usual club. Unofficially, it was one of the hottest places to meet someone with similar desires to spend the night. Yuri removed his hood and stroke his hair back. Even though being dripping wet, he knew he looked a million times hotter than most people inside. Moving towards the entrance, he put on his most irresistible smile. With a wink he walked by the bouncers who didn’t even make an attempt to stop him. In his head, Yuri rolled his eyes. So many stupid, manipulable people, but good for his wallet. 

Inside, he was welcomed by a heavy sent mixed of perfume and sweat. There was not much light only some spotlights coloured in either red, purple and pink. Yuri let his gaze wander through the room and the dancefloor. Although it was quite early, a lot of people were moving their bodies against each other’s. But Yuri didn’t feel like dancing. Being touched by some stranger with his sweaty, dirty hands made Yuri want to throw up. There was only one person he allowed to touch his hips, pressing him closer to the body behind him while letting the music flow from his ears into his body. But Yuri didn’t want to think about this someone now. He was here to forget about him, so he made his way towards the bar and took a seat far away from the dancefloor, so he could still observe, but far enough to minimize the chance to be pulled there by someone. 

He ordered pure Vodka, took a sip and then looked into his glass. Maybe he should go home, it was a bad idea to be here. Otabek was worrying about him. He should at least tell him that he was fine. He was already reaching for his phone, when he heard a deep, rough voice next to him. “Such a wet kitten we have here. Wouldn’t you like to dry off? I could help you if you want.” Yuri was close to snarl at him. No one called him “kitten”. But when he looked up a dark pair of eyes caught him. The guy in front of him was around six feet tall and had dark hair. His tight shirt couldn’t hide the trained body beneath. ‘I could do worse’, Yuri thought and swallowed the insult that was already forming on his tongue. Instead, he returned the gaze and formed his million dollar smile. He would show him later that he wasn’t a kitten, but a tiger.


	2. Wilt

Hours later Yuri was standing in front of his apartment searching for his keys. The fact that his jacket was still soaking wet didn’t make it any easier. It had been such a gross feeling to put it on again, but he rather walked home in cold, wet clothes than sleeping next to that guy he met in the club. He hadn’t been bad, but Yuri wouldn’t rate it better than fair. As he had already noted last night: he could have done worse, but actually, he could have done way better. But Yuri found himself quite picky when it comes to his sex partners. For quite some time now, he compared them to a feeling he didn’t even remember. It was not a certain memory, but a sensation, a cloudy remembrance of his body he used as reference and so far, none of his acquaintances had come close to it. It didn’t frustrate him, but it was kind of annoying, because objectively, all of them had been good. However, something seemed to be missing.  
Yuri shook his head. If he would ask Viktor or Katsudon about it, they would say something like “Feelings are missing. All those guys are not that special someone that you love.” That’s why Yuri wouldn’t ask them. 

As silent as he could, the young Russian tried to insert the key and unlock the door. He slipped in and closed it without making much noise. There was no light and it seemed as Otabek was still sleeping. Yuri took off his jacket and hung it over the heater. Everything he wanted now were a nice hot shower and maybe two or three hours of sleep before he had to leave again to rehearse. Until then, he wanted to avoid Otabek. But his plans were crashed as he walked down the corridor. 

The moment he wanted to open the door to the bathroom, Otabek’s door swung open and the Kazakh stood before him. His hair was rumpled and dark circles were forming under his eyes. Without saying a word, he made two steps towards Yuri and wrapped his arms around him. “I was worried. Where have you been all night?”, he asked. Even tough Yuri was touched by Otabek worrying about him, he was angry as well. “I’m not a child. I can go where I want without telling you,” he mumbled and freed himself from the embrace. Otabek looked confused. “I didn’t mean to..” Then his gaze was wondering towards Yuri’s neck and his eyes narrowed. 

At first Yuri had no idea what Otabek saw, but then he remembered. Oh, for fuck’s sake. He had told him not to leave any marks, such an idiot. “So I see, you have been enjoying yourself last night.” His voice that had been caring and loving before was now cold and distant. “Yeah, I did. So what?” – “Just interesting to see that you had fun last night and didn’t care to tell me where you are, while I couldn’t sleep, because of you.” – “No one asked you to do so. And anyways, what’s so wrong with having fun? It’s not like you are any better. I remember you brining home a bunch of people just to kick them out before morning.” Yuri didn’t mean to shout at Otabek, but somehow his voice was louder than planned. However, instead of shouting back, the Kazakh became surprisingly silent. His head turned towards the floor, he finally whispered: “Haven’t been sleeping with anyone lately. Haven’t you noticed. Not since Viktor and Yuuri’s wedding.” 

It took a second for Yuri to realize what his friend just said. It was true, he didn’t bring any people here, but Yuri just thought that he preferred staying at other people’s. “Their wedding was in April. This is already half a year ago. You don’t want to tell me that you haven’t been with anyone for the last six months?” Otabek didn’t say anything. He just looked into Yuri’s eyes and a pained expression sneaked onto his face. 

Viktor and Katsudon had decided that they wanted their wedding to be something special, something romantic. They had decided that they wanted to get married in Japan under the cherry blossom. The ceremony itself had been held in park where they had been surrounded by pink blossoms. It had been so gaudy, Yuri had to restrain himself not to throw up. While everyone around him had been in tears when the spouses spoke their vows, he had rolled his eyes, earning him an amused but chiding look from Otabek.  
Afterwards, a huge party had been taking place, but Yuri didn’t remember a lot of it. He had turned 18 just days before and therefore reached the legal drinking age in Russia. Even though, he wasn’t old enough in Japan, no one cared and the had one or two drinks too much. The only thing he remembered was dancing pretty close with Otabek and then his next memory was waking up in his hotel bed naked early in the morning. He hadn’t really wondered why. He had assumed he was just like Viktor, tending to strip when he was drunk. He had gotten up and was searching for Otabek. He had found him on the balcony, just dressed in shorts, watching the sun rise. This was one of the most beautiful things Yuri had ever seen. 

“Wow…you must have met someone really special there, or you wouldn’t have stopped sleeping around.” Before Yuri had realized, he had let out these words. But it was true. Why should Otabek stop meeting other people if he hadn’t met someone who was important to him? A heavy pressure was building up inside Yuri. There was someone that Otabek liked. There was someone that caused him not to sleep with anyone. There was someone Otabek cared more about than him. Yuri noticed that his legs started shaking and he clenched his fists. ‘Please, just tell me that’s not true. Tell me there is no one else.’ The Kazakh looked at him for some time and the longer he didn’t say anything, his eyes became sadder and sadder. Then he turned around and before closing his door with his back be mumbled “You have no idea, Yura.” leaving Yuri alone with his beating and broken heart.


	3. Jet Black Heart

Some time has passed and the trees that have lost their leaves were now covered in snow. The degrees have dropped far below zero and Yuri would have loved to stay cuddled in his warm blankets instead of running, but he knew that it was essential to stay active, especially after the Grand Prix finale. He was still pissed that he had just placed second again this year, but he was going to win the world championship for sure. The last two months they hadn’t been at home much and Yuri had to admit that he missed Otabek more than he had expected.

Because they weren’t competing against each other in the first events, they hadn’t seen each other for a long time. Compared to the time before they had moved together this had been nothing, but Yuri had totally underestimated how much he needed Otabek by his side. The first two weeks had been fine, but then, every day had become harder. At first, he was just thinking about him now and then. Then, Otabek found his ways into his dreams and not only on a “just friends” basis. Yuri had longed so much for his touches, for his fingers on his skin. For his deep voice and his smiles. More than just once he had woken up, feeling like he hadn’t slept at all and thirsty for his Kazakh’s friend’s closeness.

When they had finally met again before the Grand Prix finale, Yuri had even come to the airport, to fetch Otabek up. He had been there hours too early, but he hadn’t want to miss him. The second his friend had stepped out of the door, Yuri had run towards him and had jumped into his arms. He had been pulling himself towards Otabek as close as he could. He hadn’t cared that he had started crying and that his voice had trembled when he had whispered “I missed you.” As an answer, Otabek had squeezed him even more and had mumbled “I missed you, too.” It had taken quite some time for them to return into presence and when they had been walking towards to the taxis, Otabek had held Yuri’s hand the whole time. 

Now that they were back in Russia, things were slowly returning to normal. Although, Yuri noticed that not everything was alright. Even though his mind had been focused on the competition, his feelings for Otabek had grown over the time they had been separated. Every day, it became harder for him to hold them in. He longed for Otabek’s closeness, he wanted to be with him all the time. Sometimes, when they watched a movie together, Yuri leant against him, because he couldn’t stand sitting next to him and not touching him. But Otabek seemed fine with his, after the second time, he even put his arm around Yuri. It became kind of natural for them. However, Yuri knew that this wasn’t enough for him. He needed more. He became addicted to the feeling of his heart beating hard against his chest and the butterflies in his stomach every time he lay in Otabek’s arms. 

The first one to notice that Otabek was always on his mind, was Yakov. After one rehearsal, he had taken Yuri aside and had asked him where his thoughts were. He had allowed it long enough, but now Yuri had to focus on himself and not some guy. And the young Russian had to admit that he was right. He wasn’t able to perform at his best, because his heart wasn’t bound only to ice skating anymore. There was something else it had set on. As a consequence, Yuri decided that he had to distract himself from Otabek as much as possible. He spent most nights doing ballet until he couldn’t move his body and fell asleep as soon as he touched his bed. But there were days, when Lilia kicked him out to relax. But he wasn’t allowed to relax. If he didn’t keep his mind distracted his friend would always find his way into it. 

The only way to not think about the Kazakh on his free days was to find any other guy. Yuri knew that it wouldn’t help for long and he was disillusioned enough to know that he wouldn’t suddenly fall in love with anyone else. His feelings were too deep by now to change soon. If it wouldn’t affect his skating, he wouldn’t even care, because he kind of liked these bittersweet feelings, being torn between desperation and love. He knew that what he was doing wasn’t a long-time solution, but he didn’t want to think about his other options.

He could move out or ask Otabek to do so, but he wanted him by his side as often as possible. Apart from that, they were still friends. If he could not have him as a lover, Yuri wanted to keep him as his best friend – the only one he could talk about things that no one else knows about him.  
His other option was to tell him about his feelings and Yuri wanted to avoid that at all costs. He knew that there was a little chance that Otabek felt the same way, but he knew that it was close to zero. It was no secret that the Kazakh was bisexual, but he was pretty picky when it came to going out with a guy and taking his acquaintances into account, Yuri didn’t stand a chance. Not he that he would match his type, but the guys Otabek had met so far were way over his league. Usually, Yuri wouldn’t consider anyone being in a higher league than him, but when it came to Otabek…  
On the other hand, it was pretty likely that his friend didn’t return his feelings. Of course, the Kazakh would tell him that nothing would change, but Yuri knew that nothing would be like before and their friendship was just too precious to risk it. So, he kept silent.

The cold air that steamed into his lunges made Yuri’s chest hurt. The paused his running for a minute to catch his breath and stretch. After spending most of the night at the “Fame” without finding someone for the night, he decided to go running instead of sleeping. It hasn’t been like there wasn’t someone suitable and he did get enough requests, but Yuri wasn’t feeling like going with any of them. It had been like that for quite some time now. Somehow, it always felt wrong when he considered sleeping with someone who wasn’t Otabek and this troubled him. There was no way he could get him out of his mind. Every time he looked at a guy, he pictured Otabek’s eyes or his smile. Exercising while listening to music so loud that his ears hurt was the only way to keep his thoughts away from him. 

The last half mile, Yuri felt like he would collapse. He hated running during winter. Every muscle hurt with every breath he took and he didn’t feel his feet and fingers anymore. He couldn’t wait for the hot shower that was waiting for him. When he finally reached their apartment, his hands were trembling so much, Yuri needed forever to unlock the door. With one hand he had to stabilize the other to insert the key. Finally inside, he went straight into the bathroom, undressed and took the shower he needed more than anything else. He left it only when he was able to feel his feet and move his hands again. Wrapping his towel around his waist, Yuri looked into the mirror. He looked tired. No wonders, last week he slept 4 hours a night, max. 

Cuddled into his fluffy bath robe, Yuri made his way to get some breakfast. It was one of his free days so maybe he could sleep for two or three hours afterwards. When he entered the kitchen, his eyes fell on Otabek who was sitting on the table completely engrossed in thoughts. Brought back by Yuri entering the room, he lifted his gaze to examine the Russian. Yuri noticed that his eyes wandered from his dark circles to his legs that still trembled. “You haven’t been at home tonight as well.” Otabek’s voice sounded a little distant, however, he could hide that the was worrying. “Don’t you think that sleeping around does affect your reputation let alone your physique?” – “I wasn’t….” – “Did you take a look at you recently? You look awful.” – “Thanks…” Yuri noticed that anger dwelled up inside him. “But I didn’t ask you for your opinion in the first place.” – “And you are a lot more quarrelsome than usual. Did I do something wrong?” – “You are worrying too much. You’re not my grandfather.” – “Do I need to be related to you to worry about you?” – “No one asked you to worry about me. I’m fine by myself.” – “But I do. I want to worry about you. You are important to me, Yura. And I don’t want to see you like that. You’re not yourself recently. I just want to help you.” – “But I don’t need you to help me. As I said I’m fine. Why would you want to help me anyways. It’s not like…“ But Yuri wasn’t able to end his sentence, because Otabek stood up, made a few steps towards him, took his face in his hands and kissed him. Yuri was struck in shock. Before he could even process what was happening, Otabek moved away from him.  
“Oh my god, Yura, I’m so sorry. I have no idea what came over me. I…” – “Oh just shut up and go on.”


	4. Kiss me, Kiss me

He knew it was wrong. He knew that he would regret it soon. He knew that he was risking their friendship, but the moment Otabek pulled him close again, Yuri couldn’t have cared less. For a second, the Kazakh had hesitated, the blond boy had seen it in his eyes – surprise, a lack of comprehension. But luckily he had tossed it aside. Never ever had Yuri been kissed so passionately. He felt like his body was set on fire just by the sinful lips and the tight grip that hold him in place. Yuri wrapped his arms around Otabek’s neck and pulled him even closer to intensify their kiss. If he had known before that kissing the one you love would be so… maybe he would have gone for it sooner. He was already melting, his legs trembling and when Otabek bit into his lips just to enter Yuri’s mouth with his tongue inviting its counterpart to fight, the young Russian could keep in a muffled moan and grasped the other’s hair hoping to stop him from shaking so much. His body was obviously overwhelmed by this huge amount of sensation, Yuri had so far only been dreaming or fantasizing about. However, he needed more. He had to use his chance to experience all of this, so he could recall what it felt like being desired and hold by the only man he had really loved so far. 

For quite some time they had been standing in the kitchen, their arms wrapped tightly around each other, kissing like nothing else was important. And for Yuri, there was nothing more important than this. He had lost track of time while he was enjoying their connection. Slowly, Otabek’s hands started wandering on his back making their way down his spine. With every centimeter, Yuri started trembling more and his heart was beating so fast, he was afraid it would jump out of his chest. Feeling these soft touches on his skin while being pressed against his friend’s bare chest was more than he could handle all at once. He needed to calm down a bit or he would pass out any second. Using all the strength he had left in his body, he drew back a little. Immediately, Otabek opened his eyes and a worried expression came on his face. “Is everything alright? Did I go too far?”, he asked and though his voice was rough and deep and showed how aroused he had just been, it was full of fear. Fear that he had done something Yuri hadn’t want. The young Russian wanted to answer, but he couldn’t, he needed to catch his breath at first. However, when Otabek tried to withdraw from their hug, he kept him in place. “No you didn’t…” Yuri panted. “It’s just…” ‘It’s just that you are burning me, you’re drowning me. I’ve loved you for so long and I never thought that this could happen. You have no idea how many nights I have spent imagining us doing exactly this and now my body is unable to cope with it. I’m afraid that if we go on I will pass out…’ ’That’s probably what he should have said. But he didn’t. “It’s just…you don’t need to hold back.” 

Without hesitation Otabek shoved Yuri to the closest wall, placing his hands under his butt to lift him up. Pressed against the wall by the hot body in front of him, the blonde boy wrapped his legs around the other’s waist. For some heartbeats, they just looked into each other’s eyes. There was so much Yuri could see in Otabek’s. So many mixed and twirling feelings and he was sure he wasn’t any better. However, the strongest was lust. Lust and desire caused by him. It was him who made Otabek feel this way. But before Yuri could think about that any longer, the Kazakh was kissing him again. At first, the Russian was so caught up, he didn’t notice the light finger tips that left burning trails on his bare chest that was revealed by his bath robe. Soon, the feathery strokes became demanding hands reaching for every inch of him. Also, Otabek’s lips started to move. Kissing along his jawbone, he made his way to Yuri’s ears and when he bit his earlobe, the latter let out a long moan. At the same time, the hands on his chest had be wandering as well and Yuri could feel that they were pulling on his belt. This was a sign for him that he needed to become more active, too. But when he tried to led his fingers slide form Otabek’s hair down his back, the older skater immediately stopped his attempt to open the bath robe, took the other’s hands and used one of his own to pin them over Yuri’s head against the wall.

Not being able to move made it even harder for Yuri to keep his composure. He was yearning for Otabek’s touches and he showed him by not keeping in his voice. And the Kazakh seemed to like it judged by the hard erection that was pressing against his thigh’s. With only on hand left and his lips kissing Yuri’s collar bone, Otabek needed quite some time to finally loosen the belt. When he managed to open it, he let go of the Russian’s hands, placed his arms on his butt and took a step away from the wall so the bath robe slid from Yuri’s shoulders. Now being completely naked, he let his hips grind against Otabek’s body which made the latter tighten his grip on Yuri’s butt, crawling into his cheeks. This was enough, he couldn’t take anymore. Heavily painting, Yuri tried to speak, but only two words came out “…Bedroom…now.”


	5. Don't Stop

Without giving it much thought, Otabek followed Yuri’s order. If Yuri had all his senses together, he might have wondered how the Kazakh managed to kiss him and carry him safely without crashing into any furniture. But he had no brain cell left to waste to think about anything else than Otabek – his warm hands wrapped tightly around his waist and his lips conquering his own were almost too much for Yuri to handle. However, he pulled himself even closer to Otabek and let his fingers run through his friend’s hair while returning every kiss with all the passion he could raise. 

He hadn’t noticed that they had already reached Otabek’s room, when the Kazakh threw him on his bed without warning. But not a second later, he was over him again, kissing down his neck while slowly caressing his chest. Yuri tried to hold back his moans, covering his mouth with his right arm. Immediately, Otabek stopped his movements, took the Russian’s arms and pinned them over his head again. “I want to hear you, Yura.”, he whispered into his ears, making chills run down Yuri’s spine when his rough voice and hot breath touched his skin. He was only able to nod, but the older boy seemed to understand as he went on kissing and licking along his collarbone. Now, completely exposed to Otabek’s touches and kisses, he had no power left to resist – not that he really tried. 

The Kazakh let his free hand run down his neck, along his shoulders and over his chest. Slowly, inch by inch, he stroked towards his waist, over his hips and let his fingernails leave small trails on his thighs. Feeling the light scratches so close to where he wanted Otabek to touch him the most, Yuri threw back his head leaving out a long moan of pleasure. It seemed that this was exactly the reaction, the older boy had been waiting for, because now he turned his head towards Yuri. A small smirk formed on his face on the sight of the usually rebellious skater, which was now craving for his touches. Again, he started kissing Yuri’s neck and suddenly bit into his earlobe. Another moan left the Russians mouth and he felt like he couldn’t stand this torture any longer. “Beka…please…”, he tried to say something, but he wasn’t able to form any correct sentence in his head. It was too clouded, too steamy and full of the boy that now left a trail of soft kisses from his chest to his waist. With every inch that Otabek went down his body, Yuri’s breath became heavier. Then suddenly he felt the Kazakh’s lips on his erection. 

First, Otabek placed small, light kisses on his cock, but when Yuri felt his tongue licking over his bare skin, he felt like he was going to explode soon. “Oh god…Beka…”, he moaned. The older boy took this as an invitation to go further, because only a second later, the Russian felt something warm and wet around him. “Please…I….”, he tried to tell Otabek to stop. He wouldn’t last long, if his friend went on like this. It was already too much for him. He had never expected to be so close to the one he loved so much. All these sensations, all these touches and now these lips caressing and teasing his cock made him lose his mind. Just when he thought that he couldn’t hold it any longer, Otabek stopped and let go of his arms as well. Yuri sighed frustrated, but before he could ask about what happened, his friend reached out for his cabinet and just a second later, the young boy could feel his lips around his erection again. Now, that his hands were free, he grasped Otabek’s hair to finally get a hold of something. Completely distracted by the skilled tongue that was making him forget his own name, he didn’t hear the clicking of tube. He only noticed why Otabek had stopped pleasuring him, when he felt something cold on his butt. 

Yuri had no time to realize what was happening, when he already felt Otabek’s first finger in him. And it felt good – no, it felt amazing. Slowly and carefully, the Kazakh started to move, while still kissing and licking Yuri’s cock. The Russian noticed instantly that his friend was trying not to hurt him. Never before someone had been preparing him so thoughtfully. His heart ached at the thought that no one had ever made him feel so important and so loved before. But this pain didn’t last long. It was swept away by the pleasure that suddenly filled his body. He tensed instantly and he could feel that Otabek was smirking again, when he threw his head back again and let out a loud and long moan. Yuri was already panting heavily and he felt like his heart was breaking his chest, because it was beating so hard, but he didn’t care. He wanted to feel that again. He needed more.

He didn’t have to wait long, because soon a second and a third finger found their way into him and were stretching and preparing him as carefully as the first one. With every thrust, Yuri was getting closer to the edge, but he didn’t want this to end now. He took a deep breath in, gathered his senses and took Otabek’s head into his hands to make him stop. Their eyes met and the deep dark void of Otabek’s erased everything he wanted to say from his mind. They were filled only with lust and the knowledge that it was him that caused his friend to wear such a hot and passionate expression, made Yuri’s whole body tremble even more.   
For a few moments, both of them didn’t move an inch. They were caught up too much by looking at each other. Yuri didn’t know that he had so much power left to break free from this beautiful smell. “Please Beka…I….I want you…”

His words seemed to caught Otabek off guard, because at first, he didn’t show any reaction and then he blushed suddenly. Yuri had never thought that his friend could show such a cute expression. Slowly, the Kazakh removed his fingers and got up to take off his sweatpants. When the fabric was removed from his skin, it revealed that Otabek hadn’t been wearing anything beneath it. Yuri let his eyes wander down his friend’s body and when he saw his hard and dripping erection, he couldn’t wait any longer. He reached out his hands and Otabek came back down instantly and Yuri wrapped his arms around his neck to pull him close again. While kissing the Russian’s neck again, the older boy was searching for the condom he had been retrieving from his cabinet before. The blonde took one of his arms off of Otabek’s shoulders and was grabbing blindly next to him where he felt the cold packing on his skin. When he finally found what he had been searching for, he handed it to Otabek who drew back to look into Yuri’s eyes. The latter only smiled and watched in joyful anticipation how the Kazakh put on the condom and placed himself between Yuri’s legs.


	6. Amnesia

Before Otabek entered the younger boy, he let his left hand wandered to his cheeks that were coloured in the brightest red. Slowly, he let his thumb caress the hot skin, while stroking a strand of hair behind Yuri’s ears. Then, he found Yuri’s gaze and the Russian forgot how to breath in that very second. Of course, he could see the passion that was burning inside Otabek in that moment, but his eyes were so full with love and concern that Yuri was sure that his heart would explode. “Are you sure that this is okay?” the brown-haired boy asked and Yuri could hear that he really was holding himself back. ‘I never wanted anything so much’. These words nearly swept out of his mouth but he was able to control himself timely. Before he could say anything that he probably would regret later, he just nodded. Otabek smiled at his reaction and leant down to kiss him.

Carefully the Kazakh entered Yuri while kissing him with the same fire as before. Maybe even more. He let himself sink in steady but slowly, always ready to stop if he hurt Yuri. When he finally was completely in, Yuri had to take a deep breath. When he thought before that his body wasn’t able to handle any more, he hadn’t been prepared for this. So many feelings where flooding over him and he could only pull Otabek closer, wrap his legs around his waist and his arms around his neck. He was clinging onto his friend as if he was saving himself from drowning. Yeah, Yuri was drowning. He was overflooded by all the feelings for Otabek that he had been covering and hiding all the time. His body was trembling and shaking as he tried to gain control over himself again. But it was useless. He had given up control long ago. He placed one final kiss on the Kazakh’s lips and that nodded – a sign for Otabek who had been waiting patiently to go on and for the rest of his mind to hand himself over completely. 

The first thrusts were slowly and carefully, but when Otabek noticed that everything was alright, he increased his pace and his movement became stronger. Yuri didn’t even try to let his voice in, so he filled the room with his moans. His hands were clenched into the older boys back and his fingernails surely leave behind some beautiful marks. Suddenly, the Kazakh changed his ankle and when he thrusted in again, Yuri’s whole body tightened and he felt like he was hit by a lightning. Pulling Otabek even closer with his legs, he started to grind against him, making his friend hit this amazing spot inside him even harder. It wasn’t like this was the first time that someone had found it, but it had never felt so good, so intense. It was like everything was just as it should be, nothing was missing, like Otabek was everything that Yuri had been searching for in other guys. Anyways, Yuri was not able to think about that now. He was busy not losing his mind, while his friend increased his strength once more, hitting Yuri’s spot so hard that the latter felt like being torn apart. But it was good, so good that his muscle were tensing and he knew that he wouldn’t make it much longer. 

Otabek seemed to be close as well, because his panting was getting heavier with every thrust. Finally, he supported his weight only with one arm, while the other one grasped Yuri’s dripping cock to stroke it in the rhythm of his thrusts. This was enough for Yuri. His whole body tightened and while over-bending his back, he came with a loud moan. 

He hardly noticed that just seconds later, Otabek came as well breaking conking out over him. He hardly felt his fast breath on his neck and he hardly noticed that his friend cleaned him thoroughly after he had been able to move again. Yuri’s mind set was completely out of this world. His brain was blank, cloudy and fluffy. He was just filled with satisfaction and happiness. It took quite some time for him to come back to his senses. Thought by thought, the knowledge of what had just happened seeped into his consciousness. He just slept with Otabek. They slept together. He just had sex with his best friend. With the guy he had been secretly loving for months. And it had been great – no – it had been amazing. It had been like everything he had been searching for. He had been feeling whole, complete. Just being close to Otabek could give him this feeling he had been comparing other guys to, although they never had been this close before. But how was this possible? How could he compare all these guys to a feeling he had never experienced…Then, the scales fell off his eyes.

Otabek had been covering them with his blanket and was now watching Yuri with a small distance between them. When the latter felt his eyes on him, he turned into the other direction and wrapped himself in the blanket. He needed a minute so sort his thoughts. He had been comparing all these guys from the “Fame” to the feeling that he had just experienced with Otabek, because this hasn’t been the first time. He already had been close to his friend before. He had been able to compare the sex he had had with other guys, because he had have sex with Otabek before. He had been able to tell that something had always been missing, because he had been experiencing this incredible feeling of unity, deep satisfaction and love before. 

Picture after picture came up in his mind. He and Otabek dancing closely. Otabek trying to take away his Vodka. Otabek carrying him into their hotel room. Otabek kissing him. Otabek over him, Otabek around him, Otabek in him.   
They had been sleeping with each other on Viktor’s and Yuuri’s wedding. That night that Yuri drank so much, he had forgotten everything. That night after which he had been waking up naked. That night that made Otabek stop going out.

Yuri knew that he should emphasise the importance of his last thought, that he should be overjoyed that it was him that made the Kazakh stop sleeping with other people, that this night must mean something him. But Yuri couldn’t. He wasn’t able to focus on this probably amazing fact, because he was mad. “Why didn’t you tell me?” He was well aware of the fact that his question was completely out of context, but he was pretty sure Otabek would understand anyways. For a moment, there was nothing, but then the older boy sighed. “I… I didn’t know how to tell you.” – “You didn’t know how to tell me? How about ‘Hey, you don’t seem to remember, but you drank a lot last night and somehow we ended up sleeping together.’?” – “The next morning you had no idea what had been happening. I didn’t know where to start. I was so afraid of how you’d react. What would I have done if it was just a one-off for you. If that slip would impact our friendship. What if you thought of it as a mistake?” – “You know what was a mistake? This!”   
Yuri tossed the blanket aside and jumped out of the bed. Otabek tried to hold him back, but the Russian just shoved away his hand. “I need to get out of here”, he mumbled and left his friend’s room as fast as he could. He hurried into his room, put on some clothes, took his keys and opened the door, when he heard Otabek begging behind him. “Please…Yura….I…” It broke his heart to hear his friend like that. He could hear that Otabek was desperate and that he was really sorry, but Yuri just couldn’t stay near him any longer. Without taking a turn back, he let the door shut behind him.


	7. Catch Fire

Yuri had no idea where his feet were taking him and he didn’t care at all. His mind was too full of all the things that had happened – not only just minutes ago, but also back at Viktor and Katsudon’s wedding. How was it possible that all this could have happened and even more, how was it possible that everything turned out this way? Not even the worst scenario that the Russian had predicted was able to match this disaster. 

He tried to remember what had happened after he lost track of his memories at the reception, but only short fragments flickered up in his mind. Yuri closed his eyes to focus more on the pictures that dwelled up from deep inside. After the ceremony there had been a huge buffet with so much food, it would have fed an army. Not only Russian and Japanese, but all kinds of exotic delicacies had been served. Alongside, only the best wines and other liquors had been at the guests’ disposal. Of course, there had been alcohol-free drinks as well, but the young Russian had been so fed up from the ceremony, he instantly had started with vodka. During dinner, Otabek had tried to make him switch his drinks with water, but only occasionally he had had success. 

Afterwards, the tables had been moved aside and a huge dance floor was opened up. Yuri hated dancing. It felt weird moving his body freely without tension. He was just not used to dance without a choreography, so he had decided to just lean against a wall and watch the others. It hadn’t taken long and his eyes had caught Otabek. The Kazakh had been dancing with Mila, leading her elegantly, making her spin around and then caught her with his hands on her hips. Yuri had stared at his fingers holding the bare skin that had been exposed by her night blue dress with a back neckline so softly. The skater hadn’t been supposed to touch her like this. The only one that he should have caress like this was Yuri. Then, Mila had wrapped her arms around Otabek’s neck whispering something in his ear and Yuri nearly broke the glass he had been holding. Trying to hold back the anger and jealousy that had been brought up from the depths of his heart by the alcohol that had been rushing through his blood, he had turned away. He hadn’t want to see both of them making out. The Russian had nearly reached the exit, when a warm hand had been holding him back. He had turned around and much to his surprise, he had been looking at Otabek’s smiling face. “May I have this dance?”

“Open your eyes, you stupid brat!” A loud scream and a honk disrupted his memory. Right to his side a car had stopped with squeaking tyres. Taking a short look around Yuri noticed that he was standing right in the middle of a street. Too shocked from the almost-accident, he didn’t return anything and hurried to the pavement with shaking legs. No matter how much he wanted to remember everything that had happened that night, it was no good being killed by trying to do so. Leaning against a bridge railing, he became conscious of his whereabouts. He was close to the beach. Yuri had spent so much time there thinking, hiding, relaxing. Impulsively, he decided to sit down in the sand, before he could cause a real crash. The sand under his feet was soft and cushioned every movement. Just right at the line that separated the wet and the dry sand, the Russian set down. It was still early in the morning, so the sound that the waves left while gently covering the ground was only broken by the cars on the bridge and some seagulls making their circles above him. 

Yuri closed his eyes again and took a deep breath in. The sea air helped to clear his head and to turn back to the moment he had remembered lastly.   
“May I have this dance?” Otabek had been looking at him encouragingly. At first, the Russian had wanted to decline, but when their eyes had met, all thoughts were erased and the Kazakh’s warm brown gaze had caught him, so he hadn’t been able to turn away. With his brain still out of order, he had not been able to find words, so he just had nodded shyly. Otabek’s smile had widened and he had pulled him towards the dancefloor. When they had stopped in the middle of the partying crowd, Yuri had found his speech again. “But I don’t know how to…” – The older boy had laughed. “That doesn’t matter. I’ll show you.” He had taken both of the Russian’s arms and placed them on his upper arms. The blonde skater hadn’t been able to forbear noticing how the well-trained muscles felt under his fingers. Mindlessly he had caressed them over Otabek’s wine red shirt. It had felt so good being able to touch him like that and when the Kazakh had pulled him closer, his hands resting on Yuri’s hips, the Russian had thought that both of them had been created to touch each other like this. 

Slowly, Otabek had started moving his feet and his hips. Yuri had stiffed completely. Not only not being able to dance like this, the way their bodies were pressed together had made him nervous. “There’s no need to be afraid”, the Kazakh was smiling at him once more, “just close your eyes and feel how I move. You only need to copy what I’m doing. I’ll guide you.” The Russian had done as being told. He had closed his eyes and tried to focus on how Otabek’s hands were guiding him while trying to control his heartbeat. The closer the Kazakh had pulled him, the harder it had beat. But Yuri hadn’t been able to deny that he loved it. Being so close to his friend, handing his body and mind completely over to the other’s movements. It had been a long time ago that he had felt so free and he had been sure that the alcohol had done it’s part to support that. 

With every minute, he had become more and more confident and had started to not only follow his friend, but also to move against him. The Russian had lost track time how long they had been on the dancefloor, pressing their bodies against each other while moving to the beat of the music. Suddenly, Otabek had been taking his hand, held it up high and made him spin. Yuri tried to keep up enough tension in his body to rotate like when he was on ice, but the alcohol had made him dizzy and he had nearly fell down. But before he had been touching the ground, the Kazakh had come to his rescue, wrapping up his arm round the blonde boy’s back. “Well, it seems like the Russian Fairy has forgotten how to fly?” He had whispered in Yuri’s ear. “It might be safer if I carry her from now on.” With his face so close to the Russian’s, he could not only smell a little breeze of liquor that was coming from the brown-haired boy in front of him, but he could also make out a small pink shimmer on his cheeks. 

Yuri hadn’t even had the chance to respond, when Otabek had already lift him up, carrying him like his bride. Normally, the Russian would have thrown a tantrum while trying to free himself, but back then, he hadn’t even been embarrassed. He had just wrapped his arms around the Kazakh’s neck while the latter made his way up to their room. Yuri had had no idea how his friend had opened the door with the key card, but he could remember that he had closed it with his back. Then, he had made his way towards the king size bed that they have been sharing and gently let Yuri down. “I hope this ride has been worth of such a beautiful Fairy”, he had joked while also sitting down on the mattress. “It has been marvellous, my hero.” Yuri had smiled. With Otabek being so close to him while nobody else was around, his fingers had tingled even more than when they had been dancing. Even though, in the back of his mind, he had known that this was probably a bad idea, the alcohol that numbed his brain also had made him indifferent to any consequences. “I guess, I should thank my hero properly, don’t you think?” he had whispered while reaching out for Otabek’s neck to pull him closer. Their lips had been almost touching, when the Kazakh had drawn back. “You’re drunk, Yuri.” – “Yes, I am. And so are you.” He had tried to shorten the gap between them once more. “This is a bad idea.” – “Says who?” – “You’ll forget about it anyway.” – “Then make me remember it.” And with these last words, he had joined their lips.


	8. Vapor

Yuri leant his head on his knees. He didn’t want to remember more. The feeling of Otabek being so close to him just a few hours ago was too present, he wouldn’t be able to stand if the memories of their first night returned right now. Of course, it had been amazing. And beautiful. And more than he had hoped for. But the fact that Otabek hid all these things from him. All this time he kept it a secret from Yuri. A secret that could have changed the whole eight months that had passed since then. They could have been so much more then they were. 

The young Russian tried to imagine what it might have been like, if Otabek had told him right away what had happened between them. When he had watched his friend on the balcony, kissed by the sun’s first rays, he should have walked next to him after dressing himself. He should have examined his face until the other one had noticed that Yuri had been awake. They would have looked at each other in silence until Otabek would have gathered the courage to tell him. At first, Yuri surely wouldn’t have believed him. The idea of the spending a night together was still absurd to him. Why would the Kazakh choose him over all the people he could have? He probably would have returned to the bed, burying his head in the pillows, asking his friend why he was telling him such stupid things. Otabek would have followed him sitting down on the bed next to him. The Kazakh maybe would have stuttered and whispered, but after trying to retell Yuri what they had done, he would have stayed silent as he hadn’t known what else to say or how to explain. The Russian would have turned his face towards him, because his friend always found the right words. If he had to say something, he did. But the fact that he had seemed unsure would have made Yuri sit up and face him. Maybe he would have remembered a few things from last night by then. 

Of course, the blonde boy would have been afraid of asking Otabek why he had slept with him, but he would have been too curious and probably too hopeful to not address this topic. The Kazakh would have stayed silent at first, searching for the best way to tell him. Yuri would have caressed his cheek and fondling his neck, because his friend would have looked so miserable. Finally, Otabek would have cleared his throat and said… Yeah, what would he have said? Suddenly, Yuri remembered what his friend had said a few months ago, after he had asked him if he had met someone special at the wedding. “You have no idea, Yura.” The Russian’s heart started to beat faster instantly. He had meant him, back then, he must have. They had been together the whole weekend. There hadn’t been anyone who got close to him. Anyone, but Yuri. And even more: Shortly before he had left their apartment earlier that day, Otabek had asked him: “What would I have done if this was just a one-off for you. What if you thought of it as a mistake?” Didn’t this imply that the Kazakh didn’t think of it as a mistake, that it was more to him that a one night stand? Did Otabek have feelings for him?

Yuri hit his head against his knees. It wasn’t completely absurd, but he had no idea why his friend should have feelings for him and if, since when? Why had he decided to keep them from Yuri? Why hasn’t he told him? He was a lot more mature and reasonable than the Russian, so he should know that it was no idea to keep something like this a secret. On the other hand, Yuri hadn’t given him the slightest hint, that he had fallen… that he liked him as well. On the contrary, he had spent his time with other guys or training to forget about his own feelings. Looking back, that was probably the most stupid thing he could have done. He must have hurt Otabek a lot. Yuri’s inside tightened and he felt his heart cramping. By only thinking about his own feelings, he had forgotten how the Kazakh might have felt about his nightly escapades. Although, the young Russian had no idea that they already had spent a night together, so how should he have guessed that his friend might… 

Yuri let out a loud scream. The seagulls that were circling above him fled in fear. Why hadn’t he just stopped drinking so much on the wedding? Why hadn’t he noticed that he was hurting Otabek? Why hadn’t he been brave enough to tell the Kazakh about his feelings? But why hadn’t his friend told him first? Why hadn’t he been honest with him? Why was everything to be so complicated? Yuri’s head was spinning from all these questions that led to no end. He let himself fall backwards, so he was laying in the sand watching the blue sky above him. He knew that he had done a lot of thing the wrong way. He knew that it was also his fault, that everything has turned out the way it has. However, he couldn’t avoid being pissed at Otabek. 

That the Kazakh had kept secrets from him, hurt Yuri more than he had expected. Of course, his friend had to decide himself whether to tell him about his feelings or not, but to withhold the fact that they had spent a night together made the blonde boy angry. No matter what had been Otabek’s intentions when he slept with Yuri, he should have at least had the courage to tell him as soon as he noticed that the younger skater didn’t remember anything. Over half a year he had lied to him when ever they had talked about the wedding. Every time he hadn’t told Yuri the reason why he was mad at him when he met other guys, he was withholding the truth. Eight months. Eight months, that the Russian had been searching for a feeling that he had thought he had imagined. Eight months, that he had longed for something he had believed was made up by his suppressed desires. Eight months, he had thought that Otabek was his best friend. 

The Russian knew that he should go back home and talk with Otabek. About what had happened at the wedding, what has happened last night and what was between them. He knew that he should apologize for running away, for shouting at him, for hurting him, for calling last night a mistake. He knew that he wanted nothing more than to cuddle into Otabek’s arms, telling him that neither this nor the last time could ever be a one-off or a mistake for him. However, his stupid head and temper wouldn’t let him. As much as he wanted to tell the Kazakh that he had fallen in love with him ago, he knew that, as soon as he saw his friend, all the anger and disappointment would boil over and he would end up saying things he would surely regret later. Just now, his body was divided. The one half that wanted to lay down on the bed next to Otabek, rest his head on the others arm and just fall asleep next to him and the other half that wished to behead his friend laying the whole apartment in ashes. 

The best thing he could do now was keeping his distance. For him to clear his head and feelings and for Otabek not to get hurt by what he might say. However, standing back from someone you are living with was a lot more complicated. Without giving it much thought, he got up, brushed off the sand and turned towards the city again. His feet were walking on their own. He had been at this place so often that the route was etched in his mind. Fortunately, because by now, Yuri was so tired and exhausted that he couldn’t concentrate on where he was going. When he reached the building, he rang the bell and just seconds later the speaker turned on: “Yuri? What are you doing here?” – “Just let me in!” he whispered. The electric strike buzzed and with slow steps, the Russian climbed up the stairs. When he reached the right floor, the door in front of him was already open. “Oh my god, Yuri! What’s wrong with you? You look…” – “Can I stay here for a while?”


	9. Over and Out

“Can I stay here for a while?” Yuri tried to hide the exhaustion in his voice, but failed half-way through the sentence. The auburn-haired woman that had opened the door looked a little shocked, but then stepped aside. “Of course you can. Come in.” The young Russian entered the small apartment, kicked off his shoes and let himself fall on the dark red couch. “It’s not that I don’t want you here, but it’s unusual of you to visit me. Especially at this time of the day. Do you have any problems?”, Mila asked with a worried face after she had taken a seat next to him. “Hm” Yuri answered. He didn’t want to talk about anything now. His eyes became heavier and heavier, so he turned to the side and made himself comfortable. “It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it. But does Otabek know that you’re here? I bet he’s worried.” As an answer Yuri only grunted. “Oh…I see…so you two have a fight, hm?” The blonde boy wanted to shout something at her. It was not her business why he was here and why he didn’t want to tell the Kazakh, but the only sound coming from his mouth was a loud yawn. “Alright, alright”, Mila smiled. “Just rest for a while.” Just before finally falling asleep, Yuri noticed that she covered his body with a blanket.

When he opened his eyes, the first orange rays of sunset filled the room around him. The blonde boy had to blink a few times until all the sleep was gone and he could orientate. He remembered that he decided not to go back home after he sat on the beach for hours, but to move somewhere else to gain some distance. He knew why he had chosen Mila over everyone else. Even though they used to fight quite a lot, she knew when she was not supposed to ask stupid questions. At least, he hoped she would.   
Yuri got up and stretched his hurting muscles. As much as he wanted to trade that uncomfortable couch for his own super comfy bed, he knew that he had to pay that price in order to let things and especially himself calm down. 

“Oh, you’re awake? I didn’t expect you to wake up before tomorrow. You slept like a stone.” Mila entered the living room carrying her sports bag. She put it down and sat down next to Yuri. She smiled at him, but then her expression turned earnest. “I know that you don’t want me to ask questions, so I won’t. We all noticed that there was something wrong with you lately and now you’re standing in front of my door asking me to let you stay here. Of course you can, as long as you need to, but please, whatever it is, please settle it soon, okay?” Then, she ruffled through his hair and her usual smile appeared again. “We just worry about you. That’s what a good family does.” She got up again and picked up her bag again. “Do you have a plan on what to do now?” 

Deep inside, Yuri was touched by her words and her worries, but he didn’t ask for her to care about him. ‘Neither did I ask you to be part of my family’, he thought. However, he knew that it was smarter to hold that back as he didn’t want to be kicked out right away. So, without reacting to what she said before, the young Russian asked “Otabek is training with you today, is he?” – “Yeah, but why do you ask?” Yuri walked towards to the door and put on his shoes. “I’ll go home and get a few things.” He already had taken the first step downwards, when something small hit his back. He turned around and looked furiously at Mila who just grinned. “You might need this if you want to come back here.” The skater looked on the floor where a small sliver key was laying. 

While walking home, Yuri’s thoughts slit back to what Mila had said before. ‘Please settle it soon’…He had no idea how to settle their situation any time soon. It was too complex and too mazy to be talked over easily. At first, the young Russian had to get his own pride down before talking about any of this. He knew that it was necessary, but he just didn’t feel like stopping sulking soon. Being aware of his own bad habits was one of the things he hated most about growing up. He comprehended that he didn’t need to forgive Otabek right away, but at least he should listen to what he had to say. However, he was still too angry and too hurt.   
Next, he should figure out what he wanted from the Kazakh and what the nights they had spent together meant to him. But no matter how he felt, he probably had to consider the other’s feeling as well. If they wanted different things, it could have an enormous impact on their friendship. Yuri was not stupid, so he didn’t think that they could just go on living together and being friends like usual if one of them confessed, but was turned down by the other one. On the other hand, their friendship was already a huge mess, so there was not much left to be broken anyways. 

Yuri massaged his head with his fingertips. It already hurt so much from just thinking about what he had to consider that he didn’t want to know what it felt like if he thought about the matter itself. Why did they make out at the wedding anyway? Was it only because of that time that Otabek kissed him earlier that day? Would something have happened between them even if they hadn’t had sex that first time? The blonde boy knew that his thoughts were spinning in circles and that he was getting nowhere without talking to Otabek, bet he just couldn’t stop thinking. Once, he got back to Mila’s he had to do something about it – either working out or sleeping – right now he didn’t really care as long as his head would finally shut up.

Once he had reached the right building, his legs started to tremble. He knew that the Kazakh wouldn’t be there, but somehow he felt nervous. Reluctantly, he climbed the stairs. With every step his stomach cramped a little more and when he tried to get the key out of his pocket, his fingers were shaking so much that he let them fall down. Cursing he knelt down, when his phone started ringing. Yuri got the keys, took his phone – luckily without letting it fall down, too – and answered the call. “What do you want, old hag?” – “Yuri! So good that I caught you. Listen! He’s not here!” Somehow the Russian managed to insert the key. “What do you mean?” He turned it around and the door opened. “Otabek! He’s not at the…” – “Yuri!”


	10. Invisible

Yuri’s legs were shaking and he thought that they would give up soon. He lowered the phone that he was still holding against his ear and with trembling fingers he ended the call. This was probably the worst thing that could have happened. He should have known that Otabek would skip his training to wait for him to come home. “Oh my god, I’m so glad that you are alright.” The Kazakh had been sitting on the sofa, but now, got up and hurried towards the Russian. He stopped only a few feet before him and Yuri was trying to back off as much as he could. He didn’t want his friend to get too close to him, let alone to touch him. Any little piece of contact could lead to a catastrophe. 

There were two possible outcomes and Yuri wanted to avoid both of them. The first one would result in his anger and frustration breaking out like a volcano which would fire insults, accusations and a lot of other things he would surly regret later at Otabek. He would tell him how disappointed he was in him for lying at him, how he felt like being treated like a child Otabek couldn’t talk to. How much he felt played around with, how much the Kazakh had hurt him. He would shout at him, making him the culprit of destroying their friendship. In the end, he maybe would throw things at him. Although he never wanted to hurt his friend, once the gates of hell in him were open, it was impossible to close them until not every single demon was out doing his mischief.   
The second outcome would make Yuri weak for Otabek’s touch and words. If he’d apologize, the Russian would forgive him everything. All his anger would be squibbed and his only goal would be to be close to the brown-haired boy again. He would do everything to hug him, maybe kiss him. Probably, he would even end up in confessing to him. He still hasn’t made up his mind yet, so no matter how much he wanted to be in the Kazakh’s arms again, he needed to keep that inside. At least for a little while. 

Staying silent, ignoring Otabek while packing a few things and then leaving this place was the best plan he could come up with. Of course, his friend would be hurt by the distance he’d built up between them, but it was the only way to keep the Kazakh from further harm and Yuri from making stupid not thought-out decisions. On the other hand, Otabek should be aware of the fact that the Russian was mad at him and therefore understand that he wouldn’t want to talk to him. That was at least what Yuri hoped. He knew that later, when he again was with Mila and he had the time to think about everything, he would hate himself for being so cold. 

“I was so afraid that something has happened to you. I wanted to call you the whole time, but I was sure that you wouldn’t pick up anyway.” Otabek’s voice sounded tired. ‘How right you are’, Yuri thought. Still ignoring the Kazakh, he turned towards his room, took his larger sports bag and started throwing clothes at it randomly. He didn’t care what exactly he was taking with him, he just wanted to get out of the apartment as soon as he could. He needed to avoid hearing Otabek’s voice again that carried so many other emotions as well. Fear, Relief, Pain. However, the most he needed to avoid looking in his eyes, because Yuri knew that if he saw any signs of pain and sadness in them, he wouldn’t be able to keep up his cold behaviour. 

Again, he hated himself for having fallen in love with the Kazakh. If he had just pulled himself together a little more, maybe all of this wouldn’t have happened. When did this happen anyways? ‘Not now’ Yuri thought. There was no time to elaborate on that. He should hurry and leave before Otabek tried to talk to him again. The young Russian opened another door of his closet and threw some hoodies into his bag. When he grabbed a black one, he suddenly stopped. This wasn’t one of his. It was way bigger than his usual size. He unfolded it and big white letters appeared on the fabric. ‘System of a Down’. This was Otabek’s, but how did it end up in is closet? 

One or two weeks ago they had been running together and ended up sitting at the beach watching the sunset. He hadn’t talked, but the silence between them hadn’t been uncomfortable. On the contrary, Yuri had enjoyed sitting close to Otabek while watching the sky wearing the most beautiful colours. “Are you cold?” the Kazakh had asked him suddenly. “No. I’m not” Yuri had answered, too proud to admit that the fading sun and the cold sweat on his skin sent shivers over his body. He should have put on more than just a thin sport shirt with long sleeves. “You are trembling like a leaf, stupid.” The brown-haired boy had laughed. Then, he had pulled off the hoody he had been wearing and had handed it to the Russian. “Here, take this. Yakov would kill me if I you get a cold.” – Reluctantly, Yuri had taken it, but still holding it in his hands, he had asked “And what about you?” – “Don’t worry about me. I’m a lot hotter than you, so I’ll be fine.” Sticking out his tongue, the blonde boy had put it on. The warmth of Otabek’s body and his scent had filled him up instantly. He hadn’t cared that the Kazakh had been sweating. Yuri loved his natural scent, so he cuddled himself more into the soft fabric. From the corner of his eye, he had seen the smile on his friend’s face. “You know, you can ask other people for help if you need it. There’s nothing wrong with it. I’d love to be there for you if you need me-” – “I don’t need anyone to look after me” Yuri had mumbled into the hood he had pulled into his face. “Oh, I know that. But what kind of hero would I be if I was not there to save the fairy from freezing to death.”

Yuri remembered that he had worn this hoody, but this still didn’t explain why it was in his closet. It was Otabek’s job to do the laundry and it was quite unusual to make a mistake like this. Did he put in in there on purpose? Just the thought that the Kazakh wanted him to wear his cloths made the blonde boy blush. There was no secret that he loved stealing t-shirts from his friend’s closet from time to time, because he loved how comfortable their difference in size were. In addition, he liked having Otabek’s scent around him all day, even though he would never admit that. The Kazakh knew about his habit and once, Yuri had at first thought he had misheard, he had mumbled ‘How cute’. But no matter how often the Russian had worn his cloths, Otabek sorted them into his own closet. Why did he do different this time?

Yuri was shaking his head. He shouldn’t think about such things right now. It would only make it more difficult to leave. Without thinking, he threw the hoodie in his bag as well. Now he only had to get his stuff from the bath room and then he would finally be able to get out. When he left his room, there was no sound in the apartment. Maybe Otabek had left after understanding that Yuri wouldn’t talk to him. Fast, the Russian went to take his toothbrush and some other things and strapped on his bag.   
His legs were still shaking when he entered the empty living room. The blonde boy exhaled. He was relieved that the Kazakh had left. He didn’t know if he would have been able to leave if his friend would have asked him to stay. 

He turned towards Potya who was sitting on the couch watching him with curious eyes. Yuri knelt down before the cat and placed a small kiss on his head while fondling his belly. “I’m sorry, but I have to leave for some time. It has nothing to do with you, though. I wish I could take you with me…But I’m sure Otabek will take good care of you.” Then he turned around towards the hall. But what he saw there, made his legs tremble again and he let fall down the sports bag. Otabek was sitting in front of the door and looked at him.


	11. If You Don't Know

Slowly, Otabek got up and looked Yuri directly in the eye. His gaze was so intense that the young Russian was stumbling backwards. “So…” The Kazakh’s voice was faint. There was a slight tremble in it that he tried to hide, but it came through exposing how hurt he was. All of those emotions that also were glimmering in his eyes combined with the fear that his posture radiated were exactly the feelings the blonde boy experienced. However, there was something else. Something that made the older boy’s body stiff and tighten up. “You are leaving?” he asked. The suppressed anger that hardened every word made Yuri shiver even more. He had seen so many sides of Otabek, but this one was completely new to him. Of course, they had have fights before. But this time, there was something different. 

Yuri needed to get out of the apartment instantly. If he started a conversation with his friend, in case he still was his friend, the situation would escalate definitely. He swallowed and picked up the bag he had let fall down. He only needed to get past Otabek and rush out, however, the latter didn’t seem like he would move out of the way until he had what he wanted – whatever this would be. The best and easiest plan would be to ignore him hoping that he would give up soon. Otabek made a step forward. “Where are you going to go? Where are you gonna stay?” Like hell would the Russian tell him that he was staying at Mila’s. He didn’t want to drag her into this mess more than he already did. “Yuri, please. Just answer me. You can’t ignore me forever.” The Kazakh made another step into his direction. “Come on! Say something!” Yuri could feel how the atmosphere around him changed. While it has been rather full of fear and insecurity, the anger in the brown-haired boy devoured him more and more. 

“Don’t tell me, you are staying with one of that filthy guys you had pulled an all-nighter with.” Yuri lowered his head. He had to stay calm now. ‘Breath in. Breath out’ he thought. “Hey, I’m talking to you!” – ‘Ignore him! Ignore him! Ignore him’ – “Did you forget how to talk or is your mouth numb from paying your rent?” With his last words Otabek had crossed the line. He seemed to have noticed by himself, because he took a step back and stumbled “Yuri, I’m sorry. I…” However, it was too late now. The young Russian saw red. “Shut the fuck up! What I do and where I’m going to is absolutely none of your business. So get out of my way.” – “It is my business. You’re my friend and I care about you.” – “What a good friend you are. Lying to me. Hiding things from me. Playing with me. Treating me like a child. And now you’re even calling me a slut. I don’t need friends like this!” – “It was you who ran out this morning sulking like a child without even hearing me out.” – “I wasn’t sulking. I was pissed. Pissed at you. I thought I could trust you, but you deceived me for 8 months!” – “I had reasons. If you had heard me out…” – “I give a fuck about your reasons. You always say that you care about me. Like shit you do. If you did you would have told me about our one-night-stand right the day after.” – “But it wasn’t…” – “I don’t care what it was.” – “Yuri, just let me explain…” – “I don’t want to hear any of your explanations. You just fucked this up. It’s all your fault anyways!”

Otabek took a deep breath in. His next words were calm and controlled, but Yuri felt his feelings seething inside him. “You say that it’s my fault? I remember you being part of it as well. So, this was 50% your own doing.” – “I was drunk as hell!” – “So what? You want to be treated like an adult, so take responsibility!” – “I don’t even remember all of this night yet. How should I have resisted like this?” – “Are you telling me that I forced you? I’m sorry to destroy your imagination, but it was you who encouraged me to go on.” – “But why did you kiss me anyways?” Suddenly, Otabek’s expression softened. His whole posture changed and also the tension between them was lifted. The Kazakh looked at Yuri and the emotions that seemed to burst out of his eyes made the young boy swallow hard. “You are asking me, why I kissed you?” His voice sounded was softer and calmer than before, but there was a slight undertone that the Russian couldn’t make out. “I… I always thought, you had noticed….” Yuri was confused. First, Otabek’s sudden change and now, he had no idea what he was talking about. The brown-haired boy still gazed at him as if he tried to read the Russian’s mind. Somehow, the latter started to feel uncomfortable. The way his friend looked at him and the calmer atmosphere that crashed against all the anger that was still burning his insides made him feel awkward. 

For a while, they stood there quietly. Yuri didn’t dare to move or say anything. He felt like the slightest motion could make the glass cover above them shatter. Furthermore, he was caught in his own thoughts. On one hand, he tried to calm down himself, while on the other, he was trying to get the meaning behind the Kazakh’s words. What should he have noticed? Was there anything that he had missed so far? He tried to consider everything he remembered from the night at the wedding. But all that came to his mind were images from Otabek smiling at him, laughing with him. Otabek who wore different expressions. Amused, concerned. Like lightnings the pictures were flashing up in his mind, until one of them stopped. Otabek looked at him, his pupils dilated, his cheeks reddish. The desire that could be seen on his face, rattled the Russian. It looked a lot like the desire that had been into the Kazakh’s eyes this morning. The same desire that Yuri had felt as well. A desire that converted all the anger in him into yearning. He needed the man in front of him. He couldn’t live without him. He needed to be with him – now. 

“Why did you kiss me in return?” – “What?” Otabek’s words broke the silence. “I asked you, why you’d kiss me.” The Kazakh’s eyes were still piercing through Yuri who tried hard to suppress the feelings that rumored inside him. He needed to hide what was going on inside him or something bad would happen. He had to answer the questions short and fast and then leave right away. “I already told you: I was drunk.” The fact that he wasn’t able to cache the slight tremble in his voice, made Yuri nervous. He just hoped that Otabek wouldn’t notice. The latter took a step forward. “Yeah I know. But that’s not what I meant.” Yuri hold his breath. “I want to know why you kissed me back this morning.”


	12. If Walls Could Talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everyone for their nice comments. I'm so happy you like my story and it's really encouraging to see how much you are thrilled. I hope you like this chapter and that you'll continue to follow the boys through their drama.

“I…” Yuri had no idea what to say. Why would Otabek ask him such a question anyways? Why would he care about why the Russian did such a stupid thing? Yes, the blonde boy regretted what had happened earlier that day. Not because he didn’t like it which was absolutely not the case. It was because he had enjoyed it so much. He was afraid that this experience would make it impossible for him to be with anybody besides the Kazakh. Their first time together had already had such an impact on what he was searching for and what he desired, although he didn’t even remember it until this morning. He really wanted to be with Otabek and he would be the happiest person in the world, if his friend wanted the same things. However, Yuri wasn’t sure if he could start a relationship with the brown-haired boy right now, if the slightest chance existed that the latter had feelings for him as well. Everything that had happened so far had really hurt Yuri and although he was sure that Otabek had a good reason for acting and behaving the way he did, his endless trust in him was now shaken. Yuri also regretted giving in to his desires and wishes, because it led them to this very situation. If he hadn’t been so tired, if he had had more self-composure, they wouldn’t be standing in front of each other now, not talking to another. He wouldn’t be moving to Mila and Otabek wouldn’t look at him the way he did. Somehow, he even wished that he wouldn’t have remembered the night of the wedding, because it made everything a lot more difficult.

He hadn’t noticed that Otabek had taken a few more steps forward, so that he now stood directly in front of Yuri. The heat of his body torn the younger boy into pieces. He wanted nothing more than to touch him, to feel that heat on his skin, but on the other hand, he wanted to run away. Slowly, the Kazakh raised his hand and placed it on the Russian’s cheek. “Yuri, look at me.” For one second, the addressed couldn’t hold himself back and their eyes met – the biggest mistake he had done so far. All those emotions that could be seen in this dark brown of Otabek’s made his heart race. 

He turned away again, because he was not able to stand the sight of his friend being in such a state that was caused by only him. He still couldn’t think of a reason why the brown-haired boy wanted to know about his reasons to kiss him so badly. What did it mean to him? There were several options that Yuri tried to consider, because depending on Otabek’s motives and his answer, a lot of things could happen. However, as the blonde boy tried to sort his mind, he felt that the source of heat coming closer to him. So close, that their bodies were nearly touching. The hand that was still on his cheek started caressing him. An instinct inside him told Yuri to close his eyes, to lean into the hand, but that wasn’t the time to do so. He truly wanted to think about the best way to end this situation, but he wasn’t able to concentrate with Otabek so close to him.

“Take back your hand”, he screamed lifting up the Kazakh’s hand from his skin and threw back at the older boy. “Yuri…I…” Otabek looked shocked. At the same time, a hurtful expression formed on his face again which made Yuri turned around, supporting his arms on the armrest of the couch. He didn’t want to see his friend like that anymore. It broke his heart, every time he saw a little glimpse of pain in the brown-haired boy’s eyes. He tried to calm his breath, but he felt that all the emotions inside him were running wild and he had no idea how much longer he could keep them inside. Then suddenly, he felt a warm shaking hand on his shoulder. Furiously he turned around, just to see Otabek so close to him again. “Do not touch me!” The latter drew back, the hurtful expression increasing more and more. “Do you hate me so much that you can’t stand being touched by me anymore?” he whispered. “No, that’s not it. It’s….” – “Then tell me, why do you hate being touched by me?” – “Because I cannot think straight!”

Before he has had the opportunity to think about his answer, the words had already come out. Although he wished that he would be able to shut his mouth, more words came bubbling up. “If you touch me, my head goes blank. I can’t concentrate on anything else besides you. I try to understand all of this, but I don’t know what to think anymore. I can’t think anymore. I’m trying so hard to think everything through. I’m trying to find the right words. But with you so close to me, I can’t keep my distance up. But I need it. I can’t be close to you right now and I can’t say want you want me to. I just….I just can’t.”

“But why? Why can’t you tell me why you kissed me this morning?” Otabek sighed. “It’s the only thing I really want to know.” He looked so exhausted and troubled, it broke Yuri’s heart. He wanted to tell him, but he had no idea why the words didn’t want to come out.“ Just tell me and you can leave.” The Russian teared his hair. The Kazakh’s calm voice made him go crazy. The confusion and the pressure that swung along with it made his shell he had tried to keep up the whole time crack more and more. “I don’t really understand why you can’t tell me and that’s why I want to know even more. I promise, if you tell me, I will never bother you again.” But Yuri wanted to be bothered by him, he didn’t want to leave in the first place. However, he still couldn’t tell Otabek. Something held him back. On the other hand, he had to make Otabek shut up. Every word, every phrase found his way inside him and with every syllable spoken out with that beautiful yet sad voice, he broke into more and more pieces. “Yuri…” Otabek’s voice was so close to his ear, he could feel his breath on his skin. ‘Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!’ That was not good at all. His heart skipped a few beats and his legs were shaking once more. “Yura…” ‘He needs to shut up! Now!’ Without giving it much thought, the Russian crawled his right hand into Otabek’s hair, pulled him down and kissed him.


	13. More

Yuri had never thought that he could have missed the feelings of Otabek’s lips on his so much, although their last kiss had happened only a few hours ago. He felt how the Kazakh was shocked at first and that he tried to resist, his whole body tensing as he attempted to draw away, but the Russian’s hand crawled in his hair and just pulled him closer and finally the older boy gave in. Even more, he returned the kiss passionately as he took one last step forward so their bodies were touching. Then, he wrapped his arms around Yuri’s waist and intensified the kiss. 

The blonde boy knew that this was stupid, he knew that this would make things a lot worse. However, he couldn’t stop. He didn’t want to stop. No matter how mad he was at Otabek, no matter how betrayed he felt, nothing about his feelings for him had changed. He still wanted to be close to him, wanted to touch him, wanted to be with him. Within seconds, his whole body was tingling and his legs started shaking. But it was in a good way. In a way that showed him that he would melt under Otabek’s touches if he didn’t do anything about it. But Yuri wanted to melt, he just wanted to enjoy this one last time, because he knew that after this, they would never be able to be this close. Not talking about what had happened and repeating the same beautiful mistake as before instead, would eventually crash their friendship as a whole and the final cause would be his own stupid stubbornness. The young boy could have told the Kazakh about his feelings, about the true cause of his behaviour, but something in him held him back and stupid as he was, he listened to that part. But now it was too late anyways, the only thing left to do was watching the sinking ship and making enough memories of how it felt being kissed and touched by the one he loved to feed on it a long time. 

A lot of other thoughts rushed into Yuri’s head, thoughts about how he would feel after he left the apartment, if he ever would be able to stand other men’s touches, if he would be able to fall in love again. There were so many things that were filling up his head and just letting them invade into his consciousness nearly watered his eyes. As much as he could, he tried to stuff them back. He didn’t want to think about all of this now. There was enough time to regret and cry when he was back at Mila’s, hiding curled up under a blanket. So, he focused more and more on Otabek. How his hands had started wandering from his waist over his back, downwards again and over his hips. Luckily, his fingers were only gliding over his shirt and weren’t able to touch his bare skin, because Yuri was sure, if that has been the case, he would give up his last spark of sanity and do things, he would enjoy without an end, but surely regret later. 

On the other hand, he didn’t want Otabek to stop, so he started to move his hands as well. How should he ever be able to live without this muscular back that tensed under the strokes of his fingers. How should he live without those strong arms that were covered with goose-bumps as he lightly glided over them causing the Kazakh to pull him even closer. How should he live without those lips that were kissing him as there would be no tomorrow, that were searching for their counterpart, that caressed him, cherished him, desired him. Those lips that made him feel like he was the only thing the brown-haired boy ever wanted, like the Russian was everything he needed.

There was so much those kisses conveyed and Yuri had never thought that such a simple touch could shatter his whole world. He could feel that Otabek tried to be gently, but by the way he embraced the Russian, the latter felt he was holding back. At the same time, he kissed him so passionately and desperate at the same time that the blonde skater couldn’t help but to assume there was something Otabek wanted to say this way. Somehow, it felt different from this morning. The way the Kazakh touched him, the way he hold him…there was more, there was a meaning behind this. 

After a while, Otabek started pushing Yuri towards the couch with his body and before the younger boy has had the opportunity to decide whether this was a good idea or not, he had noticed the sofa in his knee pits. Only a second later, he had been pushed down, the Kazakh kneeling over him. Their lips had only been separated for a few seconds, but when the brown-haired skater pulled the Russian’s head close again, the latter had felt like it had been ages. Cautiously, Otabek manoeuvred him into a laying position just to lay on top of him, his elbows based next to Yuri’s head while his hands were fondling his hair. Furthermore, their legs had been intertwined, so the blonde boy could now feel his friend’s body heat all over him. At least now, he could relax. He let himself fall in to the cushions and let his hands wander over Otabek’s back again. Although their body contact had even increased, their kisses and all over their movements became slower, more gently, gingerly as if they wanted to remember, to burn into their minds how the other one felt like. 

Everything seemed too unreal to Yuri. He had planned to come here, pack a few things and leave as soon as possible, but now he couldn’t imagine how life was like without Otabek’s soft touches. If he could, he would never let this end. The Russian felt his body relaxing under the brown-haired boy’s caresses and in contrast to this morning where he was desperate for being as close to the Kazakh as possible, he was now able to really enjoy every single touch, every kiss that was thoughtfully placed on his lips. He was able to actually feel Otabek’s skin under his fingers, he could sense every movement of his muscles under his hands. He could fondle the other’s hair, letting every of its soft strands run through his fingers.

In the meantime, the older skater had started to place gentle kisses around his jawbone to his neckline. The whole time, he stayed loving and gently – there was no sign of sexual desire. If felt like Otabek wanted to caress every single inch of Yuri’s body, like he wanted to show his true feelings to the younger boy. Like he loved the Russian. And Yuri felt loved, more than ever before. However, he knew that he was just imagining that. He knew that this was not the truth, but it felt nice to at least pretend once. Without thinking, a pleased moan slid through his lips – a sound that broke the silence around them. Like a pin that pricked a balloon, the quiet around them burst. Just a moment later, Otabek’s touches and kisses stopped.

Yuri opened his eyes and looked into the Kazakh’s who’s expression shifted from shock to disbelief to insecurity to shock. Faster than the Russian could realise, he had drawn back and sat down on the sofa next to the blonde skater in safe distance. While Otabek buried his face in his hands while supporting his elbows on his knees, Yuri sat up pulling his knees to his chest and looked at his friend. He tried to prepare for what was coming now. He didn’t dare to say anything. He wanted to let Otabek sort his thoughts in peace, something that was impossible for him. Never had he thought that when he saw the Kazakh sitting in front of the door, that they would end up like this again. The younger boy tried to imagine what his friend would say, what he would do, but the only things that came to his mind were the worst scenarios he could think of. He was unable to imagine a rational way out of this situation, because being so close to the brown-haired again had stirred him up. Deeper and deeper he was pulled into a stream of possible outcomes that all ended with their friendship broken. Then suddenly, a soft voice brought him back and when Yuri looked up again, he looked directly in Otabek’s eyes. They were beautiful as ever, but this time, the Russian was unable to read them. The only thing that was written all over the Kazakh’s face was this one question. “Yuri…why?”


	14. Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again everyone for their encouraging comments <3

Silently, they sat on the couch next to each other. None of them dared to say a word. As Yuri tried to calm down his breath, the other skater had turned his face towards the floor only peaking a few times at the Russian. The latter knew that he had to say something, something that would explain why he had kissed Otabek without telling him about his true feelings. He knew it was stupid to hide them any longer. He even assumed that the Kazakh already knew about them. However, he was still reluctant to reveal the whole truth. He knew that someday, he had to, but now, their situation was complicated enough, so he didn’t want to draw another card that would probably collapse the already fragile house of cards of their friendship. 

“I guess I liked it”, he mumbled after a while. Otabek turned towards him. “What?” – “I said, I kissed you back, because I liked it.” And this had been the case, not only this morning, but just minutes ago as well. It wasn’t the whole truth. It hadn’t been because he only liked, but he loved it. Because it was the brown-haired skater. He loved to be with him in general. Just sitting next to each other watching Netflix was already enough to make Yuri happy. Being able to kiss Otabek, was more than a dream coming true. He felt alive, he felt whole. So saying that he had liked it wasn’t everything, yet it wasn’t a lie either. Lying was something, the Russian wanted to avoid. He knew that his friend had not only hurt him, because he had lied, but he had also kept things from him. However, his lies had hurt him the most and he didn’t want to do the same to Otabek. Yuri was aware of the fact that withholding information wasn’t a great thing to do anyways, but he wasn’t only protecting the Kazakh and their friendship, but himself as well. Could it be, that Otabek had tried to do the same thing by not telling him about their night together?

“But…that can’t be the only reason.” The Kazakh seemed confused. “I told you. I liked it. That’s it.” – “But there must be something more. You wouldn’t just kiss me, because it felt good. Would you kiss and make out with anyone as long as you like it?” The blonde skater hesitated. Surely, Otabek knew that he had been with other people in the past, so his question didn’t aim for the obvious. He was of course referring to their special relationship, that they were friends. However, when he had kissed him, the brown-haired boy wasn’t a friend to him, but the one he was in love with. Well, Yuri had initially intended to make Otabek shut up, but he had continued for the other reason. Even if he had tried, he wouldn’t have been able to stop. “I already answered your question. The rest is none of your concern.” Yuri knew that he sounded sharp, but he needed to do that to finally gain some distance. The last minutes had pulled him back towards his friend and everything in him wanted to never let go of him. “But it is my concern! I want to know the real reason why you did that!” – “You said that I could go if I answered your question. That’s what I’ve done. So I’ll leave now.”

Yuri got up and wanted to pick up his bag when he felt Otabek’s hand on his back. He turned around again looking into his friend’s face. The Kazakh seemed troubled, like there was something he wanted to say, but he didn’t know how. “Yuri…wait…” The blonde skater raised his eyebrow instead of saying anything. He wanted to leave before something even worse could happen, but at the same time he wanted to know what the other boy was going to say. So he left himself fall back on the couch, still examining Otabek. He noticed that the brown-haired was breathing fast and that he was moving his hands nervously. What was he going to do? Somehow, Yuri had the feeling that he should rather have left.

“Although I wished that your answer would have been different, I’m thankful that you answered it truthfully. I should have done the same for you some time ago. So that’s why I want to tell you, why I did all those things to you. Why I slept with you in the first place, why I didn’t tell you about it – why I couldn’t. Why I kissed you this morning and why I did so just now.” He took a deep breath and Yuri noticed how much he had to concentrate to keep his hands from shaking. When he started again, his voice was slightly cracking. “First, I want to tell you how sorry I am and how much I regret everything I did. I…” – “Stop it.” Yuri suddenly shouted. He didn’t want to hear why Otabek regretted all what had happened. He didn’t want to hear that he did all of those things, because he had felt like it. That it had been nothing more than good times, with a person he liked and he probably had to hots for, but would never be more than a good friend. He didn’t want to hear that the Kazakh didn’t tell him, because he didn’t want to risk their friendship, because he had done something stupid. “I don’t want to hear your explanations. I get that you are really sorry and I guess that I can accept that, but for the rest, I’m still too pissed to have any nerve left to hear you out.” Otabek looked a bit confused. “But Yuri, I…” – “I don’t care. I’ve been here way too long anyways. I’ll go.”

The Russian got up once more and taking his sports bag with him. He went to the hallway, stuffed another pair of shoes and a longer dark blue coat into his bag. Somehow, he wished that Otabek would come after him one more time, but at the same time, he didn’t want him to. He didn’t want to leave, but staying here would damage their friendship more than if he left. For a second he stood there, listened if he heard the Kazakh’s steps, but it was completely silent in the apartment. As he reached out for the handle, his heart cramped and he felt that his feet didn’t want to move like they wanted him to stay. Although all his body seemed to work against him, he opened the door. Luckily, his mind was still strong enough to follow his plans. He was already half through the door, when he suddenly heard a loud noise behind him. He turned around and saw Otabek standing behind him. “Yura…. Please stay.”


	15. Lost in Reality

Yuri knew that it had been a stupid decision, but after Otabek had called him ‘Yura’, he hadn’t been capable of leaving, because that name brought up memories of more intimate moments. Moments that they had spent together, skin on skin, the Kazakh whispering, moaning this name into his hear. A name that gave him goose bumps if he only thought about it.   
For a few seconds, he hadn’t moved, the handle still in his hand. His heart had been beating so loud he had been sure that the brown-haired boy must have heard it. He had really tried to make that final step and walk out of the door, but his body hadn’t obeyed him. So with a long sigh, he had turned around, walked past his friend directly into his room where he had let fall down his bag and jumped into his bed screaming all of his frustration into his pillow. 

The following days had been weird and Yuri started to regret his decision. They talked with each other, but most of the time it was superficial and both tried not to cross an invisible line which would cause the tension between them to explode. And the Russian could feel the tension, he was nearly able to touch it. It was a weird mixture between unspoken things, the uncertainty of their friendship and a subtle sexual desire that surrounded them every second. Right now, they were still able to keep up their composure. However, Yuri was sure that everything would collapse, would explode and set everything on fire and somehow he felt this would happen sooner rather than later.

The days passed and Yuri tried to accept their new situation. Of course, he thought about their morning together. He remembered how Otabek’s skin had felt under his fingers, how his warm breath had set his skin on fire. He tried to push it back to the end of his mind, he tried to ignore those memories. He didn’t want to forget about them, but right now, they distracted him too much. So, the blonde boy tried to focus on other things – skating, his other friends, TV shows – even if they annoyed him. Everything was better than going through this experience again and again, knowing that this would never happen again.

When the Russian came home from practise this night, he was more than livid. He slammed the door and kicked off his shoes so fiercely that they rebounded from the wall. He seethed with rage. How did Yakov and Lilia dare to talk to him like he was a child. He had started training for the upcoming season lately and both of them hadn’t been too happy with his previous performance which showed in the way they made him work even harder than usual. Today that had presented their ‘suggestion’ for his free skate. Yuri felt like they wanted to punish him for his weak performance in the Grand Prix and the World Championship, because the choreography they had created for him was complete joke. How was he supposed to win the gold medal with this? On top of the terrible music and the simplicity of the steps, they had put most of his jumps in the first half like he was some lousy novice. He had sucked last season not due to the difficulty of his routines. He knew that it had been his own fault, but back then, he had been distracted most of the time. His thoughts had been rather off the ice than on. But that was over now, he was focused and ready to show everyone what the was able to do. However, his coaches had a different opinion on that. He let out a growl of frustration when he entered the living room and let himself fall on the couch where closed his eyes and tried to think of a way to release his anger without mangling anybody. 

“What’s up?” Otabek asked. Yuri opened his eyes and saw him leaning against the kitchen doorframe. “Arggh… The baldhead and the wicked witch are pissing me off. Their latest plans for my free skate are beyond the pale. Like hell I’m going to skate that shitty beginner’s routine they made up! Why the hell would they come up with something which would definitely lead to a lower technical element score than last season?” The Kazakh sighed. “Maybe, because you collapsed last year after you executed two thirds of jumps in your second half? Maybe, because you only got silver despite of the technical difficulty?” – “Oh shut up! I’m sick of hearing you guys talking about that. I was fine!” – “ Yuri, after you got off the rink you were unconscious for a few seconds.” – “You’re exaggerating. I was just… exhausted, that’s all.” – “You…ah forget about it.” It seemed like the Kazakh wanted to say something at first, but he thought better of it. A wise decision, because Yuri hadn’t finished his rage yet. 

“But the duo of evil is not the worst thing. If I have to see the old man and the pig being all lovey-dovey during practice once more, I swear I will kill them. And I won’t be nice. I will cut their flesh off. One centimetre for every time I nearly threw up because of them.” Otabek sighed. “Shouldn’t you be happy for them? I mean, they seem to get happier and happier every day.” The blonde skater rolled his eyes. “Hell, they are married. They are supposed to be happy. I guess they deserve each other. But I don’t want to see this never-ending torment of rainbows, flowers and little pink heart every single day! They have a home, for god’s sake. There, they can do whatever they want to. Although, I’m sure I don’t to picture that.”

Suddenly, Yuri had an idea what to do the rest of the night. So he got up again, walked into his room and started searching his wardrobe. Otabek followed him and examined him silently. “What are you looking for?” the older boy asked after watching him for a while. “What does it look like? Clothes of course.” the blonde skater answered indignantly. “I can see that. But what for? Do you want to go out? It’s already half past 10.” – “I’m not a child anymore. I can leave this apartment even if it’s already dark outside, you know. I need something to calm down or else all of our pillows won’t survive this night. I need something that exhausts me, so much that I don’t have energy anymore.” – “Yuri! It’s -10 degrees outside! You don’t want to tell me you want to go running.” – “Who said anything about sports? When I said I needed something, I meant someone”, the Russian answered and took off his shirt. 

He had decided to leave on his black skinny jeans and wear a black lose tank top and a red jacket with it – not his fanciest outfit, but it would be sufficient. He knew that it wasn’t the best idea to visit the ‘Fame’ to hopefully find someone for the night to release the anger that piled up inside him. He knew that it wouldn’t completely satisfy him. He knew that something would be missing, something he had experienced already twice. He knew that he would feel awful the next morning and that he would hate himself, but right now, it was exactly what he needed. And maybe this would make him forget about Otabek and all his other troubles, even if it was just for a while.

While he changed, the Kazakh didn’t say a word, but when Yuri opened his bun and rumpled his hair checking his appearance in the big mirror next to his wardrobe, he started speaking again: “So… you want to spent the night with someone?” he asked cautiously. “That’s the plan.” – “And anyone will do?” – “Well, I have some standards, but, yeah, I guess I don’t really care as long as he’s hot.” – “Then why don’t you stay here? I don’t like it when you spent the night with strangers.” The Russian turned towards his friend, slightly confused. “Did you get what I was talking about just seconds ago?” – “Yes, I did. You said that you wanted to go out and that anyone was fine.” – “I did, but…” – “Then why won’t you sleep with me?”


	16. End Up Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again everyone for your comment on the last chapter. I'm not sure whether I should respond to every comment individually or not....However, I'm so happy that you enjoy this story.

Yuri was shocked. “Why won’t you sleep with me?” That’s what Otabek had said just seconds ago. “Ehh…Beka…I…” – “What’s the problem? We had sex twice already and you have seemed to like it both times.” The Kazakh took on step in Yuri’s direction. The latter however was still out of words. What should he say in response to this offer. It was wrong, it was completely wrong. If he would accept, he would risk everything they had tried to keep up during the past days. “But…we…shouldn’t…” The older skater was now standing so close to the Russian, only a thin sheet of paper would have fitted between them. He leant closer to the blonde’s ear and whispered. “I don’t really care about what we should and shouldn’t do, Yura.” It was like Yuri’s body was frozen. Not only that Otabek had used that name again, but the way he looked at him, his brown eyes dilated leaving them completely black… For a second, the younger boy forgot how to breath. He knew he shouldn’t, mustn’t accept the offer, but in this moment there wasn’t anything he wanted more. So with a fast move, he clawed his hands into the Kazakh’s hair to pull him close. 

When their lips touched, it felt like the glass house they had been living in recently was shattering. Yuri sensed how the tension that had pinned up inside them exploded with a loud bang releasing everything they had been holding back the last few days. They wanted each other, they wanted to touch each other, to feel the other’s skin on their own and now they had finally given in to their desires. Otabek wrapped his arms tightly around the Russian’s waist pressing him closer to his body where Yuri could feel his heart racing. Within seconds, the older skater let his fingers wander down the other’s back, slipping under his tank top and removed it without hesitation. Feeling the Kazakh’s hot fingers on his bare skin was only adding fuel to the fire. 

Yuri pushed his friend towards his bed and shoved him on the mattress. Otabek moved to the head and the Russian followed him in an instant. He set down on his friend’s lap and kissed his way down the brown-haired boy’s neckline while letting his fingers slip under his shirt. He didn’t want a long foreplay now. He had planned to exhaust himself tonight, to get rid off all this anger and energy. More and more, he was losing control, giving in completely to the fire inside him. Yuri only noticed that he had helped the brown-haired skater to put off his shirt when he was already kissing the older boy’s jawbone. From there, he nipped his earlobes and continued his way down by licking along Otabek’s neck. The latter had closed his eyes seemingly enjoying Yuri’s touches judged by how heavy his breath was. When the blonde bit into his shoulder while grinding his hips against the other’s lap, the Kazakh let out a deep growl – a sign the Russian had only waited for. 

Instantly, he moved back to gain better access to the Kazakh’s chest. While licking along the shadows of Otabek’s muscles he supported himself on the mattress. In a not so cloudy area of his mind he cursed the tight jeans he was wearing, but as soon as he got them off, he had forgotten about them. After removing his shorts as well, he turned again towards the brown-haired skater how had been following his every movement closely. Starting from the shanks, Yuri let his hands wander up Otabek’s body without losing their eye contact. The closer he came to the Kazahk’s erection that was already pressing hard against his jeans, the darker the other’s eyes seemed to get. Yuri smirked. If they were in another situation, he would have loved to torture the boy under him, but now he needed him inside. 

He opened Otabek’s jeans and with the help of the other boy, he pulled them and his boxer shorts down. Seeing his friend in front of him, completely naked, heavily breathing with his dark eyes focused on only him sent weaves of heat through his body. Again, he sat down on the brown-haired skater’s lap making them both moan when their cocks touched. Yuri leant forward to kiss the Kazakh again while reaching for his cabinet to retrieve lube and a condom from there. Reluctantly, Otabek loosened his grip from the Russian’s head, but as soon as the latter started kissing his chest, his waist and finally his thighs, he closed his eyes again, leaning his head against the wall while trying to keep in his deep dark moans. When Yuri reached his dick, the Kazakh let out another growl that directly wandered into the Russian’s own erection. While licking along the pulsing manhood, he reached out for the lube, covering his own fingers with the cold liquid. He placed the first finger at his back and when he slowly let it slip inside, he looked up at Otabek who swallowed hard at the sight of the blond blowing him while preparing himself. 

Pretty fast, Yuri added a second and a third finger until he decided he didn’t want to wait any longer. He drew back from the Kazakh, took the condom that was laying next to him and put it on Otabek’s dick which was getting even harder under the Russian’s touches. Hovering over his friend’s lap, Yuri held the brown-haired boy’s erection in place while he slowly moved downwards, taking it in centimetre by centimetre. The whole time, he didn’t broke their eye contact. 

When he had finally taken in Otabek completely, Yuri needed a second to catch his breath. However, when he opened his eyes and caught the older skater’s gaze, he couldn’t help but starting to move. First slowly, he pushed himself up until the cock inside him nearly slipped out only to let himself fall down again. Faster and faster he repeated this while the Kazakh was supporting his hips clawing his fingers into the younger skater’s skin. Yuri loved the feeling when his thighs started burning from the unaccustomed movements. It was a little bit like running, but way better. 

When the brown-haired skater suddenly changed his angle a little, the Russian saw stars before his eyes and a loud moan slipped from his lips. This was what he had been waiting for. The current pulses that were sent through his body animated him to increase his pace even more, although he felt that his muscles yield soon. Hopefully in the end, he would collapse from the exhaustion. Riding Otabek as fast as he could, he crawled his fingers into the older boy’s chest leaving deep red marks there. But he didn’t care that he marked his friend, the only thing he noticed was that the Kazakh had started thrusting into him hammering his dick directly at Yuri’s sweet spot. The latter threw back his head while his heart was racing incredibly fast against his chest. More and more, the heat inside the blonde filled his complete body and when everything in him tensed, he knew that he wouldn’t last long. He looked down at Otabek who was watching him with his deep dark eyes that were filled with so much lust and desire that were only directed at him. With that sight, Yuri couldn’t keep it in any longer. Digging his nails deeply into the Kazakh’s skin, he reached his climax as the stars before his inner eyes exploded. He didn’t even noted that Otabek came as well when he had tensed around him so much, because his mind was somewhere completely different. 

Only marginally, the Russian felt how he collapsed on the brown-haired skater, how strong arms hugged him and placed him next to the other warm body onto the mattress, how shaking hands cleaned him up and covered him with the blanket. A second before he fell asleep, he sensed a warm body behind him and an arm resting on his waist, but he was still to exhausted to question this. Caring about falling asleep in Otabek’s arms was something he could still do tomorrow.


	17. Close As Strangers

When Yuri got up the next morning, for the first time in weeks, he had sleep the night through. Although his body was hurting like he had run a marathon, he felt relaxed. What had he done yesterday to be this rested? The Russian closed his eyes again and second after second, pictures filled his mind. He had been pissed, because of Yakov and Lilia. He had wanted to go out. Otabek had proposed to have sex with him and the blonde skater had accepted. Yuri took a deep breath. He had predicted that he would hate himself for his weakness and he had been right. Of course, it had felt amazing sleeping with the Kazakh, but if he was honest, he hadn’t expected anything different. It had been exactly what he had needed to calm down, but now he wished he had been a little more reasonable. No matter how good he had felt yesterday, the worse he felt now. At least, he had been too tired last night to think about what had happened, because otherwise, he surely wouldn’t have slept at all.

Suddenly, Yuri remembered why he had been falling asleep so fast. Certainly, he had been exhausted, but there had been something more. There had been a strong arm wrapped around him and a relaxing warmth at his back. However, now, he was completely alone. He sensed that the heat that had been behind him was missing. He didn’t need to turn around to know that Otabek wasn’t there anymore. He directly felt a cold creeping up his body and he knew that, more than having sex with him in general, it had been a bigger mistake to fall asleep next to the Kazakh. This way the brown-haired skater hadn’t only messed up his sex life, but Yuri was sure that he would never be able to sleep soundly without him again. Never before had he felt so refreshed and rested and the Russian knew it had been, because of the Kazakh snuggling against his back. Why in hell did he have to fall in love with Otabek? Why couldn’t he be satisfied with what they have had? In the last few days, his desire and his wish to be with his friend, to touch him, to be close to him, have grown more than he had believed possible. 

As long as he could, Yuri stayed in bed, because he feared to meet Otabek. Now that they had reached a another step of their already fucked up relationship, he didn’t know what would happen next. Would this be a one-time thing? Would they start a friends with benefits relationship? Until then would he be able to hide his feelings? How long would he be able to stand the pain that was growing every time their eyes met?  
Slowly, because his thighs were burning like hell, Yuri sat up and covered his face in his hands. He should really take a shower, but he was not ready to leave his room and thereby risk to run into Otabek’s arms. What should he say to him? Should he ask him about yesterday or was it better to wait for the Kazakh to explain himself? The Russian sighed. How did they manage to make everything even more complicated with every day that passed? 

After some time, Yuri decided that it was no use hiding all day. He stood up and instantly sat down again. In his mind, he made a note to go running the next time he needed to calm down. That wouldn’t be as satisfying, but at least his legs and butt wouldn’t hurt that much. Supporting himself on the mattress, he made a second attempt to get up and this time, he succeeded. Slowly, as if he had just learnt walking, he made his way towards the door. A few seconds, he was standing there holding the handle. Counting down to three, he opened the door and entered the hallway. Not a single sound was audible. The door to Otabek’s room was opened, but the room was empty. So were the living room and the kitchen. 

Yuri tried not to wonder where the Kazakh might be when he stepped under the shower. The warm water was a blessing for his sore muscles. Putting his head back he let the jet of water patter on his face as he tried to think about nothing. However, every time he pulled his thoughts away from what had happened last night, another picture, another memory of Otabek popped up. The Russian growled and hit his head against the cold tiles a bit too hard. Swearing so much that Lilia probably would have cut his tongue out if she heard it, Yuri got out of the shower. He towelled his hair so that it didn’t drip anymore and wrapped another towel around his waist. Dressed like that and rubbing his hurting head, he left the bathroom and wanted to get dressed in his own room when he bumped into someone. 

A little confused, Yuri looked up and directly met Otabek’s surprised gaze. “I’m sorry, I didn’t…”, the Russian stumbled. Why hadn’t he heard the Kazakh’s return? Instantly, his heart started racing and his legs were shaking so much the Russian thought they would give in soon. How could it be possible that, even after they had spent three nights together, Otabek still had such an effect on him. “It’s alright. What did you do with your head?” – “Uhm…”, the Russian turned red, “I crashed against the tiles…” The brown-haired skater cocked his head and looked at him wondering. But instead of elaborating on that, he ruffled through Yuri’s hair. “You should take more care of yourself”, he said smilingly and walked down the hallway into his room. Still too confused to understand what had just happened, the blonde boy entered his room and sat down on his bed. 

Even though Yuri had run into him half-naked, Otabek didn’t say anything about that. Neither did he mention last night. He had talked to the Russian normally as if nothing had happened. Did that mean that he wanted to forget about it? Or did he want to wait for the blonde to address this topic? Or maybe he thought that this was nothing that needed to be talked about. The situation had been clear for both of them: Yuri had wanted sex and the Kazakh had offered to be his partner. The Russian sighed and let himself fall into his pillows. He wished he knew what Otabek thought about all of this. What had been his intention yesterday? Would this have been the last time? Was it okay for them to sleep with each other more often? Was Yuri fine with having just a physical relationship with the Kazakh? How would their friendship change from now on?


	18. Disconnected

Time passed and somehow, without talking about it, they had developed a friends with benefits relationship. At first, everything had been normal between them – at least as normal as it was possible. Yuri had still been cautious, unsure if he should ask Otabek about his sudden offer to sleep with him or not. However in general, their life hasn’t changed a lot. They ate together, went to practise together and sometimes even watched a movie together. After a few days had passed, the Russian had decided not to bring up that topic. They were able to talk and spent time with each other in peace without it being weird, so he didn’t want to ruin this. Of course, all the question about why and how things have developed like this, filled his head. But for the sake of their friendship and as things were now, he rather stayed silent.

One day however, Yuri had been leaning against the kitchen unit watching Potya eating his dinner, when he had heard Otabek returning home. He has had a meeting with a local club owner and judged by the loud sounds his steps emitted, he hadn’t been too happy about how it turned out. The Russian hadn’t decided if he should ask about it or not when the steps had come closer and closer. Still wearing his coat, the Kazakh had walked directly in his direction. When he had been standing right in front of the blonde skater, he hadn’t even hesitated for a second. He had grabbed Yuri’s waist while pulling him close with the other hand clawed into his hair. The kiss hadn’t been soft or gentle. It had been rough and passionate. Although, the younger boy had wondered about what had happened, he forgot about everything as soon as their lips touched and Otabek’s fingers slipped under his shirt. 

The next time something had happened between them, had been a few days later. They had been sitting on the couch, watching a movie on TV. In retrospect, Yuri couldn’t even tell which movie. The whole day he had been too aware of Otabek’s presence and having him sitting so close to him had led to him not paying attention at all. Once in a while, he had turned his head slightly to the side watching the Kazakh out of the corner of his eye. At the beginning, the brown-haired skater hadn’t noticed anything, but the time Yuri had been watched him instead of the screen increased, until he had finally realized. For a while, he had returned the Russian’s gaze – at first curiously, but with every seconds it had changed. His pupils had dilated until only a small brown border of his iris had been visible. Then suddenly, as if they had heard a starting signal, they had jumped on each other like had been holding back for days. 

Even on new year’s eve they had slept with each other. Viktor and Yuuri had invited them over to celebrate. After eating Toshikoshi-Soba, a tradition the pig had insisted on, they had been talking and drinking all evening. Sometime before midnight, they had left the apartment and searched for a good place to watch the fireworks. While the other guys had counted down to the ringing of the bells, Otabek had watched Yuri all the time and when it was finally midnight, he had pulled him closed and kissed him. Even though it had been only for a few seconds, the Russian had noticed that it had been different from their usual kissed, but he had been too surprised to think about that in detail. When the Kazakh had drawn back, he had just smiled at him and whispered: “Happy New Year, Yura.” Then he had distanced himself again watching the colours that had been exploding over them leaving Yuri confused. However, when they got back home that night, the door hadn’t even shut behind them, when Otabek had embraced the blonde skater again. 

Since then, they had slept with each other a few more times, like when they had come home together after practise and Yuri wanted to take a shower. He had felt the Kazakh’s gaze on his bare back after he had put off his shirt, so had just turned around and asked “Wanna join?”. From a perspective of gratification, the Russian would have to admit that he had never been as satisfied all his life. The sex with Otabek was absolutely amazing and he was surprised every time how compatible they were. The brown-haired skater always managed to find that weak spot deep inside him, while Yuri had mastered to drive him crazy with his hands and mouth. Yes, his body felt great, but with every day, his feelings were crushed a little more. 

The worst thing was, when he fell asleep in Otabek’s arms, but woke up alone. In these moments, he realized that what they had, was just physical. The Kazakh didn’t carry any feelings for him besides friendship. He might be giving his body to the Russian, but his heart was as far away as before. Even before the turn of the year, Yuri had noticed that the pain he felt in his chest when Otabek was leaving him after they had slept with each other has increased. He already knew that every time the Kazakh smiled at him, his heart would cramp like hell. All the times, he watched the older boy talking to someone he didn’t know, he felt like he had to throw up. Soon, he had stopped eating, because he just got sick of the sight of food. He also tried to sleep as few as possible, because Otabek’s gentle touches, kisses and words were haunting him in his dreams as to show him what he would never have. 

The first one to notice that something was wrong with him had been Yuuri. One day after practise, he had taken him aside. “Yurio. Are you alright? Recently, you seem to be bothered by something. You are as pale as a ghost and you have lost weight. I understand if you don’t want to tell me, but please…We’re worried about you.” The next one to lecture him had been Yakov. Of course he had to notice one day. He had scolded Yuri for his inattention and his lack of power. Although the Russian had been pissed off by more and more people telling him that he looked sick, not even once he had the energy to talk them back. Whenever he was with Otabek, he felt energized, alive, complete. But as soon as his touches were taken away, he was only an empty husk. Every time he looked in the mirror, he saw a miserable shadow of himself and no matter how much he loved the times he spent with the Kazakh, he knew that he had to tell him about his true feelings soon or else he would be destroyed.


	19. Never Be

While trying to think about how to confess to Otabek, Yuri had to distance himself from his friend. Only the knowledge that the Kazakh was close to him, close enough to pull him into his arms, kiss him and mess him up, was enough to let the Russian forget about his intentions. Afterwards however, when he was alone again, his body punished him for his stupidity. It seemed like, the more he enjoyed being embraced by Otabek, the more he let loose and opened up to the feelings he wished were more than simple satisfaction, the harder he fell face forward onto the hard reality afterwards. Even a short touch was enough to make him suffer for hours. Sometimes, nightmares hunted him in which the Kazakh turned him down, laughed at him or was taken away from him by force. At other times, he had to throw up after he had left the Kazakh’s room. 

Yuri was aware that with every day that passed like this, his body was drained more and more. There were moments he was close to collapse, because his legs wouldn’t support him anymore. Those days, he laid in bed, unable to catch one cohesive thought. No, if he wanted to really prepare to confess to his friend, he needed to keep his distance. The Russian knew that he didn’t act skilful at all, but hurting Otabek by turning him down every time he came to him was something he had to accept. Of course, he noticed that the Kazakh was confused and hurt, but he had no energy to make up ways to promise him jam another day. Furthermore, Otabek wasn’t stupid, he had noted that Yuri wasn’t well at all a long time ago. He had also asked him about his health several times, but since the Russian had fobbed him off, he had eventually given up. 

Staying away from Otabek as much as he could, helped Yuri to concentrate, but it hurt him almost as much as being with him. The worst thing was that, during the last few weeks, he had forgotten how important the Kazakh was for him as a friend. All the time he had worried about their sexual relationship, but now that he left a room as soon as the black-haired skater entered it, it made him realise what Otabek really meant to him. Every day, Yuri asked himself why everything couldn’t be like two or three months ago, when he still was able to hold back his feelings, when they could spent time together without someone being hurt. Maybe, when he had found the right words to say, everything could be as before – at least, he wished for that to happen.

For days, he had thought about how to tell his friend about his feelings, until he had decided it was no use to wait any longer. There wasn’t something like ‘the right words’ for their situation. He needed to get over with it or things would only get worse. So one day, with shacking hands, he had asked Otabek during practise if he was free afterwards. The Kazakh had only looked at him and nodded. It had been a few days since they had talked to each other and although they had been friends for so long, it had felt weird. The whole way back to their apartment, Yuri’s heart had been beating like it wanted to crash his chest. Saying he was nervous was a complete understatement. His mouth was dry and his hands sweaty. He felt like he had to throw up any second. Not even before his first performance at the Grand Prix he had felt so bad. 

When they got home, Otabek didn’t hesitate a second. “So, you said that you wanted to talk to me?”, he asked as soon as Yuri had closed the door. – “Yes…there’s something I need to tell you.” – “That’s convenient. I have to tell you something, too.” – “Oh…okay…Ehm….”, Yuri stuttered. He tried to remember the words and sentenced he had prepared for this. But as soon as he looked at the Kazakh, all the words faded. There was nothing left within him except for his heavily beating heart. Although his friend looked at him without any expression increasing the distance between him by crossing his arms in front of his chest, when Yuri looked into his dark brown eyes, a certain feeling filled his body. At first slowly crawling, then crashing over him like a wave, the realisation that he loved Otabek reached out for every millimetre of him. He loved him, more than anything else. He needed him, as a friend, as a confidant and as a lover. No matter what would happen after he had told the Kazakh about all this, he would never love anyone else this much. Otabek was and would be the only one for him. 

“So? What did you want to talk to me about?”, the black-haired skater interrupted his thoughts. His voice sounded cold and an weird sensation creeped up on Yuri. He knew that it was inevitable to tell Otabek about his feelings and that he would surely feel better afterwards, but how would the Kazakh react? The last few days, the Russian had tried not to think about the consequences, but now that his friend was piercing through him with his cold, emotionless look, he realised what he could lose. ‘No’, he said to himself, ‘this is still Beka. He would never hate or leave you, just because you developed feelings for him.’ With this in mind, he took one deep breath. “I wanted to talk to you, because I have something to tell you. I have the feeling that this thing between us got out of control and I don’t think that I can keep on going like this anymore. I made up my mind the last few days and I decided that I should finally tell you something I’ve been hiding from you a long time.” While talking, Yuri’s had had been turned towards the ground, but now he lifted his head. 

Otabek’s expression hadn’t changed much at the first gaze, but when the Russian took a closer look, his features seemed uptight, his eyes nervous and hurt at the same time. For a second, Yuri thought about aborting his confession, but he knew that he needed to stay strong. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier and I’m sorry that this affects you and our friendship, but…I can’t hide it any longer or both of us will be hurt.” Yuri closed his eyes. He didn’t want to see the Kazakh’s disappointed or shocked reaction. “What I want to say is…I…I…” The words he had thought about so much, the words he had prepared to say for days just didn’t want to leave his mouth. Why? Why wasn’t he able to express his feelings?  
“Don’t push yourself”, Otabek interrupted his stuttering. “If you don’t mind, I would like to tell you what has been on my mind.” Yuuri opened his eyes and what he saw shocked him. The Kazakh’s expression had changed completely. His eyes seemed dull and his face was twisted in pain. However suddenly, his features petrified again and the Russian couldn’t do anything else than nod. “I think we should end this here. It was a stupid idea from the start and we both knew that this was supposed to end in a catastrophe. This has changed something between us and I don’t think I can handle this anymore. I think we shouldn’t see each other for a while. That’s what I wanted to tell you: I’m moving out.” – “W…what?” 

Yuri hasn’t able to process what Otabek had just said when the Kazakh turned around and walked to his room. Only a moment later, he came back with a huge, already packed, sports bag. “You must be kidding me…”, the Russian whispered. His voice as well as most of his strength seemed to have left him. “I’m sorry that I can’t listen to what you wanted to say anymore, but I’m not able to stay here any longer. I’m sorry for everything, Yuratchka”, the black-haired skater answered and left the apartment. Still standing in the hallway, Yuri tried to understand what had just happened. Everything happened so fast, he couldn’t do anything else than watching Otabek leave without being able to do anything about it. The sound of the closing door was the only thing that stopped the silence around him from creeping into him, telling him that he was alone. That he had lost all he ever wanted without even knowing why. What went wrong? Where did his plan to confess take this ending? What had he been missing? “I love you”, he cried towards the door, although he knew that no one would hear him. “I love you”, he whispered breaking down in tears.


	20. Broken Pieces

When Yuri came back to his mind, his face was tensing under the salt his dried tears had left and his head hurt. He felt empty as something or someone had torn his heart out of his chest. Never before he had felt so miserable. He tried to get up as his knees hurt from kneeling on the floor, but his body wouldn’t move. Every single muscle felt like it had been torn apart. Slowly stretching out his fingers that had been crawled into his hair and palms, he tried to support himself on the door in front of him – the door, Otabek had left through. Yuri’s stomach was cramping again and his eyes were filled with tears again in an instant. No, he mustn’t think about that now. He needed to get up and…do what then? Everything he had lived for so far had left and now, only a void was left in him. A void that devoured him and made everything meaningless. What was he supposed to do?

With trembling fingers he took his phone and called the only number that could help him right now. “Yuri? What can I do for you?” The voice on the other end of the line sounded worried, as if it had waited for his call. The Russian tried to answer, but his throat only emitted a rasping sound. “Yuri?” The voice turned insecure. “Are you alright?” It took quite some time for Yuri, to finally be able to speak again, so when he started, his voice was silent and fragile. “Can you…can you guys come over?” As soon as those words left his mouth, the tears started coming up again and Yuri couldn’t control his sobs. “Of…of course, Yuri.” A rustle, like someone kept shut the receiver, was audible. Then, a muffled voice said: “Vitya, Yurio’s on the phone. He sounds horrible. We need to get in the car immediately…Yes…Yes…and don’t forget the Marshmallows.” Then, the damping was taken away and the Russian could hear Yuuri loud and clear. “Listen, we will be there in 10 minutes. If you want, I can stay on the phone with you.” In the background, Yuri recognised several sounds – from someone running through the apartment over Makkachin’s barks to jackets that were put on. “No…I will be fine. Just…don’t dawdle.” – “Okay”, the Japanese answered, although the worried undertone had even increased, “We will be there soon. Please don’t do something stupid, okay?” 

Since he had opened the door 15 minutes after he had ended the call, Yuri hadn’t said a word. Now, he sat on the couch, wrapped into a soft blanked by Yuuri, holding a huge cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows and whipped cream made by Viktor in his hands. His gaze was turned towards the cup but in reality he stared into space. He still couldn’t understand what had happened only one or two hours ago. “So…do you want to talk about it?”, Yuuri asked cautiously. The young skater kept on starring forward. Did he want to talk about it? What would happened if he did? Would it help him? Or would it only reopen the wounds that seemed to have stopped bleeding at least for now? “It’s okay if you don’t want to. We just wondered why you called us and not Otabek. Or is it about…” Viktor chocked on his own words when he looked at Yuri. At first he hadn’t realised himself, but tears had silently started to run down his face. “Oh damn…it’s…I’m so sorry, Yuri. I didn’t meant to…”, the silver-haired skater stuttered. For a while, the blonde boy said nothing until some quiet words dropped out. “He moved out”. His voice was weak, shacking and nearly cracked. But although he had mumbled those words more to himself than to Yuuri and Viktor, they had understood him. “He what?”, they asked completely shocked at the same time. “He moved out”, Yuri repeated and more and more this realisation sank into his mind. 

Otabek had moved out. He had packed his stuff and left him, just before Yuri could have confessed to him. Why didn’t he wait? Had he suspected what the Russian had been about to say? Did he leave because of that? But he had already packed his things then. When had he decided to leave him? Was it because Yuri had rejected him recently? Was it because he looked so sick? Had Yuri said or done something wrong? Had he missed something?

All those thoughts filled his had and mixed with all other kinds of cogitations. What would happen now? Would Otabek go back to Kazakhstan. Would he avoid Yuri? Would they ever be able to talk to each other again? What would happen, if their friendship was completely over now? Would Yuri be able to cope with that? Would he be able to see Otabek during practise? What would happen to him, if the other skater would ignore him? Unable to resist anymore, he gave in to those dark thoughts that ate up every muscle fibre of his heart piece by piece. Although the pain didn’t go away, it mattered less and less to Yuri, because the more he handed himself over to the dark, the less he noticed his physical aches.

For some hours, they all sat in the living room. Yuri was thankful that the other skaters didn’t ask him for details or wanted him to talk. Maybe it would have helped, but he didn’t dare to risk what would have happened if he talk about the things on his mind. So the other skaters had stayed silent, keeping him company. After a while, when the Russian had thought that the silence would make him go mad, because the voices in his head became louder and louder taking him over and devour him second by second, Viktor had turned on the TV. Yuri hadn’t got out any word, but the silver-haired had smiled at him as if he had understood his silent words of gratitude. 

The sun had set a long time ago and when Yuuri yawned, he took a look at his watch. “Vitya…it’s already 11 pm. We need to take Makkachin for a walk and he hasn’t had dinner yet as well.” Without waiting for Viktor’s response, Yuri addressed the two. “It’s alright. You can go home. I’m fine”, the young Russian said, although his cracking voice said otherwise. The two skaters looked at each other for a second and then turned towards him again. “We won’t leave you here alone. You come with us. You can stay in our guest room for a few days. Of course, you can take Potya with you. So what do you say?”, Viktor said, while Yuuri was nodding vigorously. Usually, Yuri would have declined. Getting angry, saying he didn’t need help and that they weren’t his family, he would have thrown both of them out. But things weren’t as usual. For the first time in over a year, he was alone in the apartment – not only physically, but emotionally. Otabek had left and the Russian knew that he wouldn’t come back any time soon. If he was ever to come back. This thought made his stomach cramp and his throat tense. 

He wanted to be alone. Alone, so he could cry his heart out. Alone, to shout so much that he would lose his voice. Alone, to lay the apartment in ashes, so nothing remembered him of the Kazakh anymore. Alone, to spent days in bed thinking what went wrong. He already had opened his mouth to refuse, but then Potya jumped onto his lab, clinging to him while purring softly. It was like he wanted him to say that he shouldn’t be alone, wanted him to realise that if he stayed alone, he would probably perish. It made Yuri feel weak, miserable and pathetic. He had never needed someone before. He had been alone all this time and only because of Otabek, his world and everything he was, seemed to be shattered. However, the Russian was reasonable enough to swallow down his pride at least this time. “Okay.”


	21. Ghost of You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for their nice comments on the last chapter.   
> I'd say I'm sorry for torturing Yuri, but I LOVE to read your reactions.   
> I hope that you will like this chapter, too.

„Yuri…don’t you think you should slowly start leaving this room again?”, Yuuri asked cautiously leaning against the door frame. “I do leave this room…I do even leave this apartment, if I might remind you”, the blonde skater replied snappishly. The Japanese sighed. “Yes, you do. But I meant that you should go outside to do something else than head to skating or ballet practise.” – “Hm..” The older skater made a step towards him. “See Yuri, you’ve been hiding yourself away in here for quite a while now. And it’s not like you go to practise voluntarily, we have to drag you out to go. We…we are just worried about you. We don’t want you to perish in this bed. Don’t you think it’s time to open the curtains in here, let in some light and go out an have some fun? It might help you to distract yourself. I bet Mila would be happy to take you to the city to go shopping.” Yuri snorted. “As if I’d spent time with that hag. I don’t need anyone to distract me. I’m fine”, he said and turned towards the phone in his hands again and acted like he was scrolling through social media. He heard Yuuri sigh resignedly. “Ok, if you say so” and then he left the room.

At first, Yuri had felt bad for lying to his friends who just wanted to help him, but over the course of the last weeks, he had become used to it. For the last two weeks he had been lying. He wasn’t fine, he wasn’t even okay. He had never imagined that one single person could have such an impact on his life. But lately, he had realised that he wasn’t as self-sufficient as he always had imagined. Since Otabek had left, he wasn’t himself anymore. Starting from his look in the mirror, that resembled rather a corpse than a young successful skater, to the fact that he did only speak when it was really necessary, nothing of his normal self was left. He tried to act like everything was okay, but what the others looked at was only an empty shell.

Frustrated, he threw his phone against the wall where it rebounded and hit Potya who had been sleeping next to the Russian. Furiously hissing, he looked daggers at his master and jumped off the bed. “Sorry…”, Yuri whispered. He had spent hours looking at the black screen waiting for a message from Otabek, but it had stayed silent all the time. At first he had been devasted, then angry and now…Now, the Russian felt like there was nothing left within him. Like all emotions, all of his power and motivation had left with the Kazakh. All the things that he had loved to do, to skate, to dance and to quarrel with his rink mates, everything was covered by thick grey fog poisoning the air around while extracting all the joy in his life. 

More than once, he had considered calling or texting Otabek, asking him to come back or to at least explain himself, but he had been too afraid that he wouldn’t reply, or even worse, that he would reply in a way that would hurt him even more. All kinds of scenarios had formed in his mind causing him nightmares and hours of being kept prisoner by his own thoughts that were plotting against him. Poisoning his mind, they had crept into every millimetre of him fuelling his fears more and more. The only way to make them shut up was keeping himself busy with practise. But due to his weak condition, Yakov and Lilia sent him home after only a few hours. Maybe he would be able to train longer if he started eating normally again, but only the smell of food repelled him and he had to force every single bite to stay in his stomach. 

For more than two weeks now, Yuri was living with the pig and Viktor. For more than two weeks, he had left their apartment only to go to practise and only if Otabek wasn’t there. He had tried to go there, tried to face him, but he had been too weak to stand up against the pain that tortured his body as soon as he saw him. When he went to rink a few days after the Kazakh had moved out, Otabek had already been there, skating on the ice. His movements had been as graceful as ever and his look didn’t revealed any of his emotions. Just looking at him had churned up so many different things in Yuri, he had been so overwhelmed, he wasn’t able to move. Thousands of feelings were crushing into him – joy, desire, disappointment… However, when Otabek discovered him, the gaze he darted at the Russian made the latter run to the bathroom and throw up. If it had been indifferent, Yuri would have been able to handle it, but the coldness that sent shivers through his body had missed any sign that there had been a friendship between them. Viktor, who had found him in the bathroom, sitting on the floor, his arms rested exhaustedly on the toilet seat, had picked him up and carried him to the car again. Normally, Yuri would have thrown a tantrum if anybody had only dared to lift him up like a bride carrying him around in public, but back then, he had had a hard time to stay conscious, so he hadn’t cared at all. Back at Viktor and Yuuri’s apartment, the older skated had laid him in bed, whispering that he had asked Yakov to reschedule his practise times. 

So as he couldn’t make his mind shut up with sports, he had tried to use other methods. During the first days, Yuri had only laid in bed peering at the ceiling and listened to music, so he wouldn’t have to hear his thoughts. But soon, he had noticed that most of the music he had on his phone were bands and songs Otabek had recommended to him. It seemed like most of his taste of has been shaped by the Kazakh. Spending his time online on SNS hadn’t been an option either. He knew that Otabek didn’t use Instagram or Twitter frequently, but he didn’t even want to spot the smallest hints on what he was doing. Of course, he was curious and although he had hurt him so much, Yuri wanted to see him, even if it was just a picture of him, but he convinced himself it was better not to know what he was up to. Seeing him living his life like Yuri had never existed would cause more damage and the Russian wasn’t sure how much more he was able to take. So to make sure, he didn’t came across any type of news on the Kazakh, he had logged off all of his social media accounts and turned off his “Last Seen” option, so he wasn’t able to see the other’s anymore. 

Of course, his sudden withdrawal from social media had been noticed by his surroundings (what those “Yuri’s Angels” could be speculating, he didn’t want to know at all), but most of all his bad condition had drawn the other’s attention. The Russian had stopped counting the times he had been asked if he was fine and if they could help him. The only one that didn’t tick him off was Potya. He had been close to him without looking at him with pitying and worried eyes like Viktor and Yuuri, not asking him about how he felt, but only laying next or on top of him keeping him company, calming him down with his soft purrs. 

Yuri knew that he couldn’t continue like this. He needed to pull himself together and try to get back to his usual self again, although he doubted that he would ever be the same without Otabek. It would hurt seeing him again, being reminded of what had been, but he couldn’t hide like a child forever. Maybe with time, this wounds would at least stop bleeding, however, until then, he had to try and pretend like he was over him for his own sake. Staying inside trying to mend his broken heart hadn’t helped so far and it wouldn’t if he continued to stay in any longer. Yuri tried to get up from the bed, but as soon as he was standing, he felt faint and he had to sit down again. Maybe he should start off by eating again. Although his piroshki, made following his grandfather’s recipe, would surely provoke his appetite, his stomach wouldn’t be able to handle such a rich meal. Thinking of what he could try instead, he remembered a small bakery close to his apartment that sold tasty small low-calorie pastries. A stab hit his heart when he thought back to the times he had been sitting in the affiliated café with Otabek talking for hours. Taking a deep breath in, he tried to convince himself that confronting himself with places which reminded him of Otabek might help him, if he ever wanted to return to his own home. Determined to get his life back again, Yuri left his room, walked by a confused looking Yuuri and a startled Viktor, put on his shoes and jacket. “I’m out”, he said turned towards the other skaters and left the apartment. However, if he had known what he expected him outside, he’d rather hid under his blanket forever.


	22. Moving Along

Although it had only been two weeks, it felt weird to walk around outside. It was like when one was allowed to use their leg again after breaking it – it felt uncomfortable, insecure and like he had forgot to be outside alone, exposed to the whole world. There was no blanket he could hide under and no Potya to distract him from his thoughts. However, it was nice to let the cold late-January air fill his lunges, to see Saint Petersburg covered in snow and to feel the weak rays of sun on his face. For the first time in two weeks, he felt like he could breathe again without feeling a heavy weight on his chest. He felt like he could somehow get through this, like he could become himself again and then talk to Otabek again. Even if the Kazakh didn't want to keep up their friendship, Yuri at least wanted to know why, so he hopefully could get some closure.

The last thought made him swallow hard. Although he had kind of accepted the fact that the Kazakh had left and stopped contacting him, the blonde skater still couldn't believe it. They had been best friends, hadn't they? They had been talking about everything. So why did Otabek move out without telling him about his intentions before? Or had Yuri been too blinded by his own feelings to notice any signs his friend had given him. Could it be that he hadn't been happy with their friends with benefits relationship? Did he only sleep with Yuri because the blonde skater had wanted it? But he proposed to have sex to blow off their steam in the first place. Several times, Otabek had approached Yuri. And at first, their friendship had been as before. Even when Yuri hadn’t been able to handle ignoring his own feelings anymore, he had tried to not let their relationship suffer because of that. So if Otabek had wanted to end their additional "affair " because of whatever reason, why didn't he talk to Yuri before suddenly moving out? Or had he kept silent, because Yuri didn't talk to him about his problems and his bad constitution either? 

The Russian shook his head vigorously. He went outside to clear his head and not to think about Otabek. Even worse, now he even started to question himself and his own behaviour more than before. That was one thing Yuri hated about growing up. When he had been young, it had been fine to ignore other people's positions and intentions, but now his brains tried to understand the situation as a whole and to be able to do so, he needed to take Otabek's perspective into account. Something that made him feel even worse. Just imagining that it could be his fault that had let the Kazakh to… the Russian’s insides cramped and twisted pain built inside his stomach similar to the one he always felt before vomiting. 

To think of something else, Yuri examined his surroundings. Even though it wasn't the noblest district, he loved the small shops and houses in the area around his apartment. He had fallen in love with it when he came here to view the apartment, so he had been more than happy when he was able to move here. The looked to his side and spotted a small shop to his right. It was a store that sold CDs and records. What they offered there wasn’t to be found in larger stores. They had bands Yuri had never heard of before, but probably because he hadn't been much into music before Otabek. He had discovered the store with the Kazakh and they had spent together both times and money there. 

Yuri was close to hitting his head against the wall next to him. Why had every memory, every street of this city to do with Otabek? He had been living here for years, but all the remembered was moments he had spent with the Kazakh. It seemed like, before he had met him, his life had been only about skating and afterwards he had learnt that there were other things as well. Yes, his life had changed a lot with Otabek and it would change a lot, now that he was gone. Yuri realized that it would probably take weeks, no, months until being reminded of their time together wouldn't hurt anymore. It already hurt to just think about it, but at least Yuri didn't feel as helpless as a few days ago. 'Slow steps', he reminded himself, 'everyday a little more'. 

When he walked by another store that reminded him of their time together, Yuri decided that it was enough, put in his headphones and chose a song that wasn't connected to Otabek at all. He chose a piece he had been skating to in the junior league that reminded him of his grandfather. It had been one of his favourite songs and Yuri had been happy to surprise his grandfather when he first saw him perform that choreography. It had been way too long since he saw him last time, but that was a kind of missing someone that Yuri could handle right now. 

It must have been more than half a year since he last went to see his grandfather. It had been during off-season and the heat had given the old man a hard time. Yuri had planned to visit him during this “free” time anyways, but when he heard that his grandfather suffered from the heat wave that had visited Russia, he hadn’t hesitated a second and had taken the next train to Moscow. Promising Yakov to practice at a local rink and Lilia to pay a former colleague of her a visit to keep up his regime, he had been allowed to spent a whole month there. He had helped his grandfather with his household and went shopping with him. They watched movies together and looked through old photo albums. Yuri had been so embarrassed when Nikolai had insisted on showing Otabek how cute he had been as child. 

And there he was again. Yuri had kind of forgotten that the Kazakh had come over to Moscow for a week as well. He knew his grandfather quite well by than so when Nikolai had invited him over, he had accepted happily. Living together with the people he loved to most in this world, had made Yuri feel like he had a real family. Not only his grandfather, but another person who really cared for him. 

“Oh fuck this shit”, he shouted. Why wouldn’t his stupid brain shut up for a while? Yes, Otabek had been and still was a great part of his life, but his brain really didn’t need to remind about that every single second. Didn’t he have any memories that didn’t involve the Kazakh? Yes he had, but they weren’t as colourful, as lively and happy. Being in love totally sucked. He had noticed before that his mind seemed to be hacked in order to work like a 14-year old school girl, but during the last few day, it became more and more obvious that his brain was working against him, by showing him how miserable his life had been before he met Otabek. Of course he knew that this wasn’t the case. He had been happy before. Surely, the Kazakh had been his first real friend, but Yuri had had his grandfather, skating, ballet, his cat – he hadn’t needed more to be happy. Otabek had just shown him that there was more and now that he knew about this world as well, his life wouldn’t be the same without it.

“What does that word mean the man just said?”, a soft voice drew his attention. In front of him a small girl was standing, looking at him curiously with her big, round eyes. Next to her, holding onto her hand, her mother was standing who darted an angry gaze at Yuri. “That’s nothing, darling. Let’s go”, she answered hastily pulling her daughter away before she could ask more questions. Slightly confused, but happy to be drawn away from his thoughts once more, Yuri tried to come up with a few things he could to do feel better. Maybe he should try to find new friends. There had been a few fellow skaters that entered the senior league after him who he met during the last competitions and they had seemed to be bearable. There was also a girl who also trained with Lilia he had talked to a few times. He even had her phone number somewhere, for a reason he had forgotten. Maybe he should try to call her, at least they could get worked up over Lilia together. 

With this plan in mind, Yuri finally reached the bakery. When he stepped in, the tasty smell of freshly baked bread, cakes and other delicacies filled his nose and he remembered why he loved to go there. Without taking a look at the tables that were filling the second half of the shop, he went right for the counter. Luckily, this great smell had convinced his stomach to try keeping in one of those small deliciously looking pastries. “Hey, what can I do for you?” a cute girl behind the display counter asked him. She seemed to be around Yuri’s age and she smiled at him. “I’m not sure yet”, he answered. “I’m looking for something that’s not too sweet and without cream, please.” Although he loved the strawberry pies with whipped cream and vanilla pudding, he didn’t expect his stomach to cope with something so heavy so soon. “Hm….” The girl looked at all the cakes and pies in front of her. “I guess, I’d recommend those pies over there. The dough his made 50% from low fat quark and they are filled with apples and pears with a little touch of cinnamon. No additional sugar added”, he said smiling at him again. “Sounds good” Yuri smiled back at her again. His skin felt weird under the sensation of using those facial muscles for the first time in weeks, but he reckoned that, just now, he had made another step into the right direction.

Yuri handed over the money to the salesgirl and wanted to leave, when he heard someone laugh from the café area. It wasn't the fact that somebody was laughing, but the way he did that made Yuri falter. It was a laugh he knew too well, a laugh he had heard so many times, a laugh Yuri would have described as one of the most beautiful things he had ever heard. A laugh that usually filled him with a tickling, happy sensation, but now, he felt like his heart was being tortured by thousand little needles stabbing into it.


	23. Rejects

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is actually the first time I'm really sorry for what I'm doing to Yuri...  
> I hope you enjoy this chapter.

Yuri wasn't sure if he should dare to turn around, afraid of what he might see. The café was indeed very crowded, but most people preferred to gather at the back where it was warmer. Close to the windows where the sound had come from was only one table taken, if he remembered correctly from walking past the huge window outside. Why hadn’t he noticed earlier? But before Yuri could lecture himself on his inattentiveness, he heard another giggle from the same corner and the blood froze in his veins. If there was only one table taken, that second laughter must have come from there as well. 

Slowly he turned around. Not far from him, directly next to one of the large windows sat Otabek. But he wasn’t alone. On the other side of the table, his back turned to Yuri, a boy was sitting. Judging from only his back, Yuri didn’t recognize him. This wasn’t somebody he knew and Yuri knew most of Otabek’s friends – at least, he knew what they looked like.  
That guy had hazelnut brown hair that reached just over his shoulders. He was short and a lot thinner than the Kazakh, but from the tight t-shirt he wore, the Russian guessed that he was trained. Remembering all the guys Otabek had dated in the past, this guy fitted his type. No, fitting wasn’t the right word. He WAS exactly his type. 

Not being able to turn his gaze away, Yuri swallowed hard. So this was the reason everything had gone wrong. It had never been Yuri – neither the one Otabek liked nor the one who caused everything to blow up. This guy was the reason. The reason why Otabek had moved out. He was the reason the Kazakh had stopped their "relationship". This guy was the reason why Otabek had left Yuri. He had found somebody else. Somebody he liked. Somebody he wanted to go out with. Somebody he wanted a real relationship with which was not only defined by having sex, but by fully committing to one another. Somebody who was not Yuri.

The realisation of what this scene, this picture in front of him meant was slowly seeping into Yuri’s mind. It was running through his veins, so every centimetre of his body, every muscle, every however small vessel was filled with coldness. His brain felt like it was flash-freezed. He was unable to think, unable to understand what happened. Yuri only noticed that he started shacking uncontrollably as if he was forced to go outside without any clothes on. But he was inside. The whole café was filled with warm and amazingly smelling air, however, he sensed nothing of that. The confidence, the motivational thought of finally getting a bit better was lost the second he had heard Otabek laughing. Yuri wanted to fight against the cold that took over his body, but when the ice reached his heart, it stopped beating. It was fully caught up in ice and with it all his strength, all his willpower faded in an instant.

"Are you alright?" Somebody asked him, touching his shoulder gently. Still shocked by the sight in front of him, Yuri turned his head to his side looking at the young salesgirl who examined him worryingly. "I'm...I'm...", he stuttered. "You look pretty pale. Can I do anything for you?" Yuri couldn't answer. From the corner of his eye, he noted that some costumers had already become aware of him. "No...I.." He whispered noticing horrified that Otabek lifted his gaze. Only a bit more to the right and he would see the Russian. A struck shot through him. The Kazakh mustn’t see him. "Sorry", Yuri shouted and ran out of the café as fast as he could hoping that Otabek didn’t recognized him. 

He ran and ran and dared not to stop though his lungs hurt from the cold air. He ran until he reached his apartment. Feeling that his legs would soon give up under him, he forced himself up the stairs and hardly managed to put in the keys as his hands were trembling like leaves in a storm. Yuri stepped in and dragged himself to his bed. Falling into the pillows, Yuri looked at the ceiling. So Otabek had someone. He had left him to be with someone he really liked. The last ray of hope that had told him that the Kazakh liked him, too, and did all this for a certain reason, was put out like a candle. Otabek didn’t have any feelings for Yuri, he hadn’t and he would never have any. Everything between them had meant nothing to him. It had been something lose, something to have fun with, but nothing with a greater meaning, so it wouldn't hurt if he had to end it, in case there was someone that really mattered. Yuri wondered where their friendship had got lost along their way. While it still meant everything to the young skater, for Otabek it must have been a waste of time or he wouldn’t have given up on him so easily.

Yuri felt like all his life in the past few years had been a lie. It had always been Otabek who had approached him first. He had saved him from his crazy fans back in Barcelona. He had asked him to be friends. He had started calling Yuri in the night where they talked for hours. He had first visited him off-season. He had kissed him months ago in their kitchen. He had proposed to sleep with each other. It just wouldn’t fit into the Russian’s mind. Why would he do all those things when Yuri didn’t mean anything to him? He knew it was stupid to believe that Otabek had done all those things lightly. That wasn’t like him at all, but Yuri couldn’t help doubting all their time together, because nothing made sense to him anymore. 

Suddenly, Yuri remembered something. At first it was only a sudden pain in chest. Then, it felt like something hard had hit his head, kicking out all the thoughts that had been in there before swirling into each other and pulling him down like a vortex. Even before the Russian could recall the whole situation and the words Otabek had said, he remembered the face the Kazakh made back then. He had been hurt, pained and somehow disappointed. A heavy cramp hit Yuri’s heart like a lighting. For a second, he really thought he would die. Pulling his knees towards his belly, he wrapped his arms around himself, hoping it would ease the pain a little. Instead, it increased as if someone had reached through his chest, grabbing his frozen heart squeezing the sharp ice crystals into it. 

_“Wow…you must have met someone really special there, or you wouldn’t have stopped sleeping around.” – “You have no idea, Yura.”_ These words didn’t creep into his mind. They didn’t tiptoe there, stepping out of a shadow. They flashed into his brain spreading their impact all over his body. Before he could realize what was happening, Yuri was on his feet running to the bathroom. His knees cracked loudly when they crashed against the cold tiles on the floor, but the Russian didn’t notice that at all. He had just opened the toilet lid when his stomach cramped and he threw himself over to empty only gastric juice into the bowl. For what felt like minutes, he wasn’t able to control his body. It was different from before. Usually, he had just thrown up once, however this time, it felt like his body wouldn’t stop until he would cough out even the last organ in him. Right now, Yuri wouldn’t even mind.

After some time, Yuri, panting heavily, finally crouched to the bathtub to lean against the small wall resting his head on top of it. If he had any fluid left in him, he would probably cry. His body felt more drained than ever, there was no power in him. Power, he would have needed to fight back the thoughts that now filled him up completely. Otabek had stopped sleeping with other people after Viktor and Yuuri’s wedding. He had confirmed it. That guy he had been talking to in the café today hadn’t been neither at the reception nor at the party or else Yuri would have recognized him. Otabek hadn’t know him back then. But he had known Yuri. Yuri who had been his best friend. Yuri who he danced with. Yuri who kissed him and who slept with him. 

Now, everything was falling into place. The face Otabek had made back then. The reason he kissed him after Yuri asked him furiously why he was worrying about him so much. The reason he hadn’t told him about their night together at the wedding. The reason for what he had answered when Yuri had asked him why he had kissed him – _I always thought you had noticed._ The reason why he had offered to sleep with him… Everything could be explained by only one thing. But even worse than all those times when Yuri should have noticed at least something was the fact that Otabek had even tried to explain himself, but the Russian had interrupted him telling him that he wasn’t interested in what he had to say. If Yuri had only shut his mouth back then.

Otabek must have liked him. Otabek must have had feelings for him or he wouldn’t have behaved like that. He had stopped seeing people after sleeping with Yuri for the first time. He had also hated when the Russian spent the night with other guys. He had been worrying about Yuri not only as a friend, but because he had liked him more. He had proposed to have sex to make the younger boy stop sleeping with other people and be with him instead. He had really liked, maybe even loved Yuri. But now, that was in the past. Somewhere along the way, he had lost his feelings for him – even more, he must have come to hate Yuri or else he wouldn’t have left him that easily. 

The only reason why Otabek wasn’t with him, but with another guy lay in Yuri himself. Something he had done or said, or probably everything about him, must have repulsed the Kazakh so much that he had packed his things and left. Something about Yuri made Otabek despise him so much, he didn’t even talk to him anymore. Something, that guy in the café didn’t have. Whatever it must have been, it was Yuri’s fault. He had lost Otabek completely on his own account. Yuri closed his eyes and wondered why he couldn’t just die.


	24. Long Way Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for sharing the thrill with Yurio and for all of your comments :-*  
> Please enjoy this week's chapter.

“Yurio?” The Russian heard gentle knocks. “Would you please open the door?” Pretending to be asleep, the blonde skater stayed silent, hoping that Viktor would leave him in peace. “You can’t lock yourself in here forever. Please. We don’t know what to do anymore. We have no idea what happened and how we can help you. But if there’s anything you need…Please talk to us…” For a while, the older skater was waiting in front of the door, but as he didn’t get an answer, Yuri heard him sigh and leave. It wasn’t like he wanted to ignore his friends, he rather didn’t know what to say or what to talk about. Actually, he hadn’t talked for a week now. 

When he hadn’t come home the day he had suddenly left their apartment and witnessed Otabek having a date with another guy, Viktor and Yuuri had panicked. Technically, Yuri should be thankful that they had found him, hours after he fled to his own apartment, still laying in the bathroom. He had been so far away with his thoughts, so caught up in a world of pain, self-hate and exhaustion, he hadn’t even noticed that they came in. When Yuri had moved in more than a year ago, he had given his friends a spare key for emergencies. Never had he believed that this had been one of the best decisions in his life. He had neither heard them pounding at the door, nor felt them softly shaking him to get him back to reality. 

Yuri had first woken up from the nightmare that had held him captive since he had realized that it was his own fault that Otabek had left him, when Viktor had already carried him to their car. His head hurt like hell and his body felt like it didn’t belong to him. The thing that made him realize that this was his own body, that he was still able to feel and touch things, that he existed, was a soft, slightly wet thing that nudges his hand. His head was close to exploding when Yuri had turned to his side and saw Makkachin laying on the seat next to him, cautiously prodding his skin with his nose as he wanted to show him that he wasn’t alone. When Yuuri noted that he was awake, he softly spoke to him while stroking the Russian’s hair out of his face. “Hey, Yurio. Finally, you’re with us again. Do you remember what happened? We found you in your apartment barely conscious. We’re now on the way to the hospital. I know you hate it, but we need to get you checked-up. Don’t worry – everything will be fine.”

Although Yuri wasn’t keen on being examined by a doctor, he had no power left to argue with his friends. Instead, he neither resisted nor said a single word during the check-up. His silence had worried Viktor and Yuuri even more, because they would have usually expected him to lay the whole hospital in ashes when a nurse inserted an IV to give his body some nutrients back. But instead of killing anybody who tried to approach him, Yuri endured everything. He didn’t even looked at the nurse or rather, he looked through her, just to see the shadows of his nightmares lingering behind her along the walls of his room. After everyone had left, they crept closer and closer reaching out for him with their spider-leg like fingers. The whole room around him darkened when they reached his bed, but before they could touch him. He fell asleep.

There was at least one good thing about his body being exhausted from the past few weeks. He barely managed to stay awake long enough to notice much of the people that kept coming and leaving his room, checking his parameters or tried talking to him. Even if he was awake, he was somewhere far way. During the first two days in the hospital, his mind switched between two different stages. The first one felt more like a delirium. He only existed physically. Everything around him appeared through like a thick cloud. The voiced that talked to him were muffled and hardly audible, the people that came to check on him were blurry and time was not passing yet rushing alike.  
The other stage was completely different. He relived every memory of himself and Otabek, he thought everything through – everything he had said, done our even thought – searching for a reason, a cause that had led their whole relationship to this disaster. Even when he tried to close his eyes, they hunted him in his mind. No matter how exhausted and tired he was, no matter if he was capable of thinking – pictures kept on appearing before his inner eye. 

For a while Yuri thought that he would be devoured by pain and sorrow they brought. Every day, he felt and sensed less. There was a huge nothing that are him up from the inside. Usually he should have feared this development, but the ease he received from finally being indifferent to all the things that had happened, made him stop being concerned about it. By the end of four days, when he was discharged, his body may have strengthened again, but the rest of him was merely a shadow of what he had been.

The following days, Yuri spent his time laying again in Viktor and Yuuri’s guestroom starring at the ceiling. By now, he had even stopped thinking about anything –about Otabek, about skating, about how his life should go one. He didn’t care anymore. As much as his friends tried to talk to him, he just didn’t feel like. Probably, because it would remind him that he was alive. The only thing he had started again was eating, although he had no idea why he should keep his body alive when he rather felt like a ghost. No matter how often Viktor tried to motivate him to go to the rink or to his ballet class, he couldn’t get his body to move. Also, Yuuri tried to be there for him, tried to talk to him or distract him, however, Yuri was just a grey, transparent existence with no further purpose. 

For a week, he did nothing, but letting the void inside him take over him. He didn’t fight it, first, because he had no mental power left, but also, because it wasn’t as painful. Maybe in the back of his mind, he was afraid of what was happening to him. But this voice was way too silent for the rest of his numb body to hear. However, something might have heard it. When Yuri woke up on a Monday morning, he felt different – or more precise: He felt anything. Right before he was completely swallowed by the nothing that ate up all of his feelings, there was something new in him. Not completely new, but more like a estranged friend who finally came home after a long journey. 

It took a few hours for him to realize what was happening with him, but when he understood, it filled him with a long-lost energy. Yuri was angry. At first, it had been more like a little flame, that tried warming up his insides to bring them back to life. But soon it had grown, setting his whole body on fire. His whole body, except for his heart that stayed frozen in his chest. The young skater felt as he had reached another step. A step that would lead him to his path again. Why should he throw away his life while Otabek had continued to live like nothing had ever happened? He had trampled around on Yuri like he was worthless. Should he go on, proving the Kazakh right by fading away? No! His pride has been treated beneath contempt long enough. He knew that he wasn’t able to cope with everything that had happened so soon as it still hurt way to much – but he mustn’t continue to show Otabek that he was weak anymore. Even if he had to fake feeling a lot better than he actually did, now it was time to regain himself again!

Slowly he packed his stuff into his sports bag and changed into socially acceptable cloths. Before he left the room however, he took Potya, who hadn’t left his side the last days, onto his lap. “I’m not sure if I can make it, but at least I have to try. You think that I can do it, don’t you?” The cat mewed and rubbed his hand against Yuri’s hand. “At least someone believes in me. Thanks buddy. I have no idea what I should do without you”, he whispered and placed a soft kiss on Potya’s head. Then, Yuri got up again, opened the door and walked through the living room right into the kitchen, where Viktor and Yuuri were preparing breakfast. “Hey”, tried to catch their attention, although his voice was still pretty weak from not being used in days. Like the wind, both of them were turning around, looking at him confused, but somehow glad. “After breakfast….would you guys give me a ride to the rink?” – “Are you sure?”, the Japanese answered, obviously not able to realize that Yuri had left his room and talked to them. “Yes, I am. I guess I should try to…be myself again.” Within a second, both his friend had thrown themselves onto him, hugging him tightly. “We are so glad, that you talk to us again. If you think it’s the right thing, we will drive you there. But you have to promise us, that you are going to call, if there’s something wrong with you, ok?” – “Okay, okay. I will, I promise, but please, let finally go of me. That’s disgusting.”


	25. Talk Fast

It felt strange standing in front of the stadium again. Yuri had spent most of his life here, but right now, it didn’t feel like home as usual. Although he was motivated and ready to get his life back, he was a little afraid of what was waiting for him inside. His stomach tensed and for a second he doubted that he was prepared enough to face Otabek and everyone else after behaving weird for weeks and not coming to practise for another two weeks. Yuri heard steps behind him and then felt a hand placed on his shoulder. “I told you, you didn’t need to come with me”, he grumbled towards Viktor. “I know, but I don’t want you to go in there alone.” The young skater was close to raging about his friend not being his father, but he thought better of it. To be honest, he was happy that he wasn’t alone. He was prepared to see the Kazakh again, but neither in the state to answer stupid and annoying questions nor to explain Yakov everything. The only thing he wanted to do was to prove to Otabek that he could live without him and skate. The thought of finally being on the ice again was the only thing that made him take on last deep breath and enter the stadium.

“Yuri!”, he heard Mila shout as soon as he stepped through the door. So much for his unnoticed entry. Five heads instantly turned towards him and looked at him curiously, but only one of them mattered to him. Seeing Otabek again was hitting him a lot harder than he had expected. The whole drive here, he had tried to prepare himself, imagining how it would feel like, but just being close to him again, being able to make out his delicate features, looking into the dark eyes that had once been so full of warmth for him, made him turn into a pillar of salt. Behind him, he could sense that Viktor was already ready to take him back to the car. The longer Yuri didn’t move, the more his body was overwhelmed by all the feelings that were brought back just by looking at the guy he still loved. 

No! No, he mustn’t back down yet! He needed to move or he would never be able to get out of this darkness around him. It needed a lot of effort, but finally, Yuri’s body listened to him again and he started warming up. Everything would have worked out fine, if not Yakov was stomping towards him, his face red as a beetroot. “What do you think you’re….” The Russian had predicted that his coach would be mad at him, but he had hoped that he would wait a little before he would shout at him. Right now, he had to spent all his energy on staying here under Otabek’s eyes and act like everything was fine. There wasn’t anything left to argue with the bald man. Right before he would have expected Yakov to explode in front of him, Yuri felt a soft touch on his shoulders. “Keep up warming up, I’ll handle him.” And with that Viktor was walking straight towards the trainer.

Being on the ice for the first time in weeks was like heaven for Yuri. A wave of energy filled him and when he did the first jump in what felt like a decade, all his sorrows and worries were shaken off and he finally was free again. He noticed at some points that his body was still a little weak, but he had a few weeks left to get ready for the World Championship and if he gave his all, he was sure that he could succeed there. And Yuri needed this success. Winning this competition would mean that he would be able to overcome everything, even his worst nightmare. But now wasn’t the time to think about that dark shadows that would be waiting for him as soon as was alone again. Now, he had to enjoy feeling like himself again.

“Good job, everyone”, Yakov shouted at the end of practise and glided towards Yuri. “I have no idea what has been wrong with you and I don’t want you to think that I didn’t worry about you like hell, but if you want to score at the World Championship, you’ll have to work your ass off. Viktor hasn’t told me much, only what I need to know, but you’re my best skater right now and I want you to concentrate to 1000%. So if there’s anything I can do…” – “Thanks, coach, but no. Just make sure I’ll win that gold medal and if I have to do extra shifts, I’ll be fine with that.” Yakov looked at him a little confused, probably because Yuri hadn’t sworn or anything, but thanked him. Not that Yuri wouldn’t like to. It was already pissing him off that Viktor and Yuuri were super considerate towards him and he didn’t need anyone else to treat him with kid gloves, but it was easier for now to just end conversations as soon as possible. These were already exhausting enough without ranting about everything. When Yuri turned to the changing rooms, however, he realized that this day would get a lot more exhausting. Next to the boards, their skates already taken off, Mila, Georgy, Otabek and the two other skaters were standing, stretching and obviously waiting for him.

While Yuri put off his skates, there was an awkward silence around them. Nobody seemed to dare to say anything and this was just alright for the Russian. He didn’t want to answer their question, he didn’t want to tell lies about what had happened to him and the most, he didn’t want to say anything as long as Otabek was within rage to hear it. Mila, however, decided to break the quiet. “So…Yuri…where have you been for the last weeks? We were really worried about you!” – “I was busy.” Which wasn’t a lie. He had been busy – busy, trying to forget that he was existing, trying to forget that the one he loved the most had trampled on him. “But you didn’t answer all of our messages. Not even once! How can you be so busy that you don’t have a minute to text your friends that you’re alright. Even Otabek had no idea where you’ve been.” Yuri gulped. Of course, the Kazakh had no idea. He had moved out of their apartment, so even if the blonde skater hadn’t been with Viktor and Yuuri, he wouldn’t have known about his state. “Told you I was busy,” he grumbled, hoping she would stop talking. And so she did, but Georgy didn’t want to let this topic go by the board. 

“You could have told us that you’ve met someone”, he said in a slightly snappy voice. “It’s totally fine and we would all have congratulated you. But just because you’re in love doesn’t mean you can forget about everything, you know. I understand how it feels like to be on cloud nine, but we’ve all been working hard the last weeks, so don’t think you can come and go whenever you want, just because you think you’re the best. No, no. I’m not mad at you, I just want to remind you that there are other things in life as well – like your occupation and your friends. Oh, and eating, of course. Darling, I know they say that you can live off fresh air alone, but you should really stop letting yourself get fucked to the heavens by your lover and start eating from time to time. You know, going to a restaurant is also a nice way to spent time with someone you like. Nobody wants a skeleton laying under him.” Yuri was so shocked by Georgy’s word, he had no idea what to answer. Who the hell did he think he was! How did he dare to assume he had let his skating slip, because of some new lover? Skating was his everything and nothing and nobody would be distracting him from that. Well…aside from Otabek. ‘Fuck…’, Yuri thought. The Kazakh was still standing to his right, but he had stopped stretching now. Instead, he looked directly into Yuri’s eyes and his expression wasn’t happy at all.

“So this is where you’ve been all the time? So madly in love that you didn’t even come home for days? Wow.” Just for a second, his face convulsed in pain, but a moment later, it was expressionless as ever. Only his eyes were piercing through Yuri like he wanted to pin him down with his gaze. “I wouldn’t have thought that you found yourself somebody else that fast.” The blonde skater felt the confused looks on his skin, but couldn’t care about them right now. While the Russian was still shocked at first, feeling his guts tensing like he was going to throw up, the anger that had come back to him this morning spread through his whole body. In a second, he was on fire. If Georgy had been bold, Otabek was beneath contempt. How did he dare saying things like that to him? What was he implying when he said “found yourself somebody else that fast”? Remembering that they had been friends for years, Yuri had no idea how Otabek could think that Yuri hadn’t valued what had happened between them. Had he never noticed that it had meant everything for him, even though it was just on a physical basis? “What do you want to say with that?”, he shouted at the Kazakh, “That I’m a slut? Is that what you think I am? Is that the reason you… Sorry to clear things up, but I could never…with…somebody else…But you?...You..Argh, fuck this shit.” He grabbed his skates and his sports bag and stormed out of the door.


	26. Empty Wallets

Running with his sport bag was annoying, but Yuri needed to wreak his anger somewhere and what would be better than running through the ice cold streets until his lungs hurt. He had tried to shut his furious mind out by putting in his ear phones, listening to his favourite-‘dare talking to me and I’ll kill you’-band at full volume. At first, it had worked out fine. He wasn’t even able to hear is own thoughts. He only listened to the voices shouting and growling into his hear and felt his heartbeat adjusting to the drums. Sometimes, it was a good thing listening to music where you don’t understand the lyrics without reading them at first or being used to a band’s style. Lyrics would only make him remember, initiate thoughts or let things dwell up he wanted to forget about – at least until he was at home where he could hide himself in his room.

He ran and ran and slowly, he felt his heart freeing itself from the tight grip he had sensed since Otabek had talked to him. His legs burnt like hell, but it was a nice feeling. If he had felt free on the ice, he felt alive now. It was like he was running away from the shadows that followed him everywhere and for the first time in weeks, he was able to shake them off. Of course, they had tried to come after him, but they were slow and sluggish. They reached out for him with their long fingers, but Yuri was faster and outdistanced them easily. All the pain that was still clinching to him, that covered his body like a second skin dripped off the faster he moved. Like black ink, it got mixed with his sweat that ran down his face. Although his lungs were nearly crashing his chest, it rather felt like the heavy weight that had pulled him down the last weeks broke off and he was able to breathe freely.

Everything was fine, until he heard that one song, that one line that turned on his thoughts again _. ‘I feel rage in my bones.’_ Oh and how much rage he felt. Within a second, the burning feeling in his legs had turned to real flames that crawled up his body and set his whole body on fire _. ‘Alone in this world that you destroyed.’_ Yuri knew that this song was about something completely different, but those two lines just fitted his situation so well. Otabek had destroyed his whole world and everything that Yuri had believed in. He had asked him to be friends, showed him what it was like being close and to open up to somebody. He had caused Yuri to change, to grow up and to experience feelings he had never believed to live in him. But then he had trampled on him, he had crush his feelings and now, he even dared to insult him. If he thought Yuri was a slut, because he allegedly had a lover, what would that make him? He had found somebody else first. Somebody he had real dates with, somebody who was worth of being treated like a proper boyfriend – not like Yuri who was just good enough to sleep with.

When he reached Viktor and Yuuri’s apartment he stamped up the stairs and kept his finger on the bell until somebody deigned to open the door. “Yurio? What are you doing here? Why aren’t you with Viktor? He would have taken her by car!”, Yuuri asked him, looking at him confused. “I’m old enough to return from practise on my own, thank you”, the Russian answered grumpily and squeezed past the man in front of him. “But it’s..” – “Cold outside. Yes, I’ve noticed. That’s why I’d like to take a shower, if you don’t mind.” Yuuri was obviously confused about Yuri being back to his usual angry self. “I’ll call Viktor so he knows that you are here.” – “Do whatever you want”, Yuri answered and closed the door to the bathroom with a loud bang. Somewhere deep in the back of his mind, he knew it was unfair to let his fury out at the Japanese. He and Viktor only tried to help him. But it had never been Yuri’s strength to focus his anger on the one person that deserved it. He should probably apologize to Yuuri – if he felt like it later.

He stepped into the shower and the hot water not only warmed his frozen feet up, it also cooled his mind and subsided his wrath. It annoyed him that Otabek was still able to awake such strong feelings in him. He would have preferred if he would just become indifferent to him. How in hell should he concentrate on skating, if the Kazakh was always around? Just one word from him and a variety of emotions could take over. Yuri didn’t want to imagine what it would feel like, if he brought his new boyfriend to the rink. Already thinking of it made his heart and throat tense terribly. Then, the Russian remembered something and his head suddenly felt so heavy he had to lean it against the cold tiles. They still lived together. Although Otabek had moved out, he still payed half the rent for their apartment. He might live with his lover now, but he would surely return there someday and Yuri couldn’t and didn’t want to hide at Viktor and Yuuri’s apartment forever. He might be able to get used to living with Otabek again. He could avoid him most of the time, but if he brought his boyfriend… How much would it hurt hearing them having sex next door? Would he remember what it feel like being held by the Kazakh? Would he remember how his kisses felt on his hot skin? Would he be able to stand the pain being shown what he had had once and what he had lost? Every day, he would have to fight to not fall back into the void that still surrounded him. Would he have enough strength to withstand the permanent depiction of what he wanted more than anything else? No, he wouldn’t. The last weeks had shown him more than enough that, when it came to Otabek, he was weak as a child.

Yuri towelled himself, returned to the guest room and put on an oversized hoody and jogging pants. He let himself fall onto his bed and within a second, Potya walked towards him and made himself comfortable on his chest. Lost in thoughts, the Russian fondled through his silky fur. His mind continuously switched between anger and despair. If he and Otabek saw each other more often from now on, and they would, because Yuri was determined to devote himself even more to skating than before, would they be able to get along? Yuri didn’t feel like getting insulted once more. He still couldn’t understand how Otabek could think such things of him. Yes, Yuri had been sleeping with other guys in the past, but the Kazakh had done the same. Did he already think of him as a cheap slut before that? Might this be the reason he had proposed to sleep with him in the first place? Was this the reason why he had left Yuri, because he couldn’t stand sharing him with other guys? But not even once, the blond skater had thought of sleeping with somebody else since they accidentally made out in their kitchen for the first time. Yes, Yuri had said that he wanted to find somebody for the night to let of his anger, but nobody aside from Otabek would have been able to satisfy him. He had lied to himself when he thought he would be fine with anyone. He had tried to convince himself that he didn’t love Otabek so much that he could hand himself over to anyone. But even when he got dressed and told the Kazakh right into his face that he wanted to sleep with anyone as long as they looked good, he had known that if he even stepped into the ‘Fame’, he would have spent the whole night at the bar, drowning his anger in vodka.

Did Otabek really believe that everything they had was nothing for him? Did he really think that Yuri just slept with him because it was convenient? Was he convinced that Yuri was reckless enough to risk their friendship by adding a physical component without having deeper feelings for him? Was this the picture of Yuri he had in his mind? Did he know him at all? They had been friends for years, he should know better. He could have talked to him before he’d drew conclusions that turned Yuri into nothing more, but a sex-obsessed bitch . ‘Well…he wanted to talk to you. Twice. And you shut him up’, the sneaky voice inside his head reminded him and put his anger out like a candle. No. No! He didn’t want to take these thoughts over. He couldn’t let them take over.

“Argh”, he cried and hit his fist against the wall. Potya lifted his head and looked at him indignantly. If his mind kept on changing its state with every minute, Yuri would go mad in a few days. There was only one thing he could do. He sat up and looked at his slightly injured hand. He didn’t want to take that step. He had thought about it more than once, but it would have made him feel like a coward. He believed he was old enough to handle his problems on his own, but it seemed that he was still too weak. He got up and opened his sports bag. In one of the side pockets, he found what he was searching for. The cold black thing, he already held in his hands so often, suddenly felt heavy. He returned back to the bed and looked at it. Should he really? All in him baulked, but he had no idea what else to do. Yuri took in a deep breath. He ruffled though Potya’s hair and placed him on his lap. He wanted him close or he would retract. He unlocked his phone and called the only number that could help him now. After a few moments, the voice on the other end of the line picked up their phone. “Yurochka?” – “Hey Gramps.”


	27. Daylight

Yuri’s grandfather didn’t say anything until the Russian had finished the whole story. The blond skater was grateful that he hadn’t interrupted him, because if he did, Yuri would probably have been too ashamed to go on afterwards. Not that he wasn’t ashamed now. He had never told his grandfather any of his love or sex life before, so it felt very uncomfortable. Of course, he hadn’t gone into detail, but he had to mention the weird relationship, he and Otabek had had. He was nervous, waiting for Nikolai’s reply. He tried to calm himself down by petting Potya, but his heart kept beating fast against his chest and his hands were slightly sweaty. After what felt like five minutes, he heard his grandfather sigh at the other end of the line.

“Yurochka. You made quite some trouble for yourself, hm? I guess I don’t need to tell you that it’s not entirely Otabek’s fault. You have noticed yourself that you have done something wrong, too. That’s good. This way you can at least learn something from the past.” He paused and Yuri heard him take a deep breath. “I wish you had called me earlier. To hear that you were in such a bad condition… I wish I could have been there for you. But I’m happy, that you have friends that care for you. You are really lucky, Yurochka. Please let them take care of you as I’m not there to do so.” – “But what should I do now, gramps? I don’t think I can meet him every day at the rink, but I don’t want to hide from him either.” – “Sometimes, avoiding something isn’t only a weakness. It shows that you have identified and acknowledged your opponent. You have realized that you’re not strong enough yet to fight back. This doesn’t mean you’re a coward or a wimp. To accept that you have to grow more to be able to face something means that you have accepted that there is still space to learn. And learning is the key to everything.” – “So you suggest that I face him as long as I need to learn to accept that he hates me?” – “No, no. Don’t misunderstand me. Yes, you need to learn to handle the situation and your feelings. You can’t try to get everything right until you haven’t sorted out yourself first. Get some distance. Concentrate on yourself and you will see: You’ll find a way through this.”

After Yuri had ended the call, he felt a little bit better than before. He probably should have called his grandfather a lot earlier, but he hadn’t wanted to worry him. Hearing his voice, however, had made him realized how much he had missed and needed him. ‘Get some distance.’ For the Russian, it still felt like running way. Would it really help him to leave everything behind? Wouldn’t it signalize to everyone that Otabek had been right about him? ‘Skating means everything to you and you can’t fully devote yourself to it if there’s something that distracts you.’ Once more, his grandfather had been right. If he wanted to become himself again, he needed to skate. Being on the ice was his life. Everything he was good at. Everything he had needed for many years. But skating under the eyes of Otabek would draw his mind away from the focus on himself and the music. Feeling his gaze on his body would bring back all the things he wanted to forget about while being at the rink. Skating could help him to clear his mind, to sort out all the troubling memories and to restore his power. 

Trying not to wake up Potya who was calmly sleeping on his lap, Yuri opened his laptop. There weren’t many places he could go to. He had some standards. He didn’t want to train with anyone he already knew. Just the thought of having to see that retard JJ everyday made him retch. He didn’t want to go to prison guilty of killing that idiot, so that wasn’t an option at all. Although Switzerland and Thailand had some qualified coaches, the chances of meeting Chris or Phichit there were too high. Yuri hated to talk to people in general, so he wasn’t keen on having to explain his sudden move to anyone. 

After a few hours, the Russian sighed frustratedly. Yakov seemed to be the only suitable coach for him in the whole world. Viktor would have been fine as well, but the old man didn’t care about coaching anyone besides that stupid pig of his. Rather out of boredom than real interest, Yuri clicked on Viktor’s Wikipedia page and read through his biography. Most of the things there, he already knew. When he was younger, he had completely idolized they silver-haired skater. That had been before he had got to know him better, of course. And after he had met Katsudon, Yuri had lost most of his respect. Why did this lovestruck dork have to be so good in what he’s doing. Not that he was just a gifted skater, his choreographies were brilliant. Nobody in the whole world was and would be able to beat him. Scrolling through the entry, Yuri suddenly noticed something. There hadn’t been many competitions in which Viktor hadn’t won gold. Looking at his medal count, however, the blond skater detected that he had been defeated three times by one skater: Daniel Wertmann from Germany.

As he had never heard of that name before, Yuri read through his Wikipedia entry, too. Wertmann had ended his skating career three years after Viktor had entered the senior league. His performance before had been fair. Some gold medals, some silver medals. Mostly known for his expressive choreographies, he had concentrated more on designing routines for other people than on his own skating. Why he had been able to beat Viktor three times, Yuri still didn’t know, but he was interested in this former skater. He scrolled down a bit. ‘Currently, Wertmann works as a choreographer at his former home rink. 2000, he married his wife Alina Wertmann who is currently Ballet mistress at the Bavarian State Ballet. The couple and their two children are living in Munich.’ 

Now, Yuri was not only interested, but curious. He opened a new tab and searched for Wertmann on YouTube. He found a few videos of himself at old competitions, but he also found a lot of his choreographies and what he saw amazed him. The performances he created weren’t only beautiful. They were challenging and so expressive. They fitted perfectly to the music and evoked so many emotions in Yuri, he had to look away or he had started to cry. One video, however, was especially interesting. It showed the German and a much younger Viktor together. They seemed to be fooling around on the rink. Wertman had his arm tightly wrapped around the Russian’s as the latter tried to escape him. They were laughing a lot and Yuri hadn’t seen a lot of pictures and videos where Viktor looked so carefree in his youth. Suddenly, an idea came into his mind. Carefully, he lifted Potya off his lap and walked into the living room.

“Oh guys, please. I know this is your apartment, but you have a bedroom, you know?” Covering his sight, the young Russian turned away from the couple who had been making out on the sofa. The sound Yuuri made reflected the colour of his face when Yuri dared to turn around again. Viktor just smirked and pulled his shirt down again. “Sorry, sometimes we forget that you are still here…” – “I can see that. Please don’t forget it again. I want to keep my sight for much longer.” – “Anyways… Is there something we can help you with?” the Japanese tried to change the topic of the conversation. “Actually, yes,” Yuri turned towards Viktor again, “are you still in contact with Daniel Wertmann?” – “Dani? I haven’t heard a lot from him recently since his daughter was born last year, but we do exchange text messages from time to time. Why are you asking?” – “Do you think you could ask him if he would be interested in coaching me?” – “Coaching…you…? What are you planning? You don’t want to move…” – “Yes, I do. I need to leave this place or I’ll never get back to my normal self.”


	28. Independence Day

Much to Yuri’s delight, Viktor had contacted the German choreograph the same day and he had been interested in coaching the young skater. He already knew him and his abilities from the competitions he had watched and he was curious about how much he could get out of the Russian. Therefore, he had agreed to talk to Yakov to make plans and arrangements, so Yuri just had to tell his current trainer – something, he had been slightly afraid of. He couldn’t predict his coach’s reaction. He wouldn’t be happy about that, that thing for sure. Of course, he hadn’t the power to force Yuri to stay, but the Russian didn’t want to leave on bad terms. After a season or two, he wanted to return here. Russia was his home and it hurt him just thinking being further separated from his grandfather than he already was. Several nights, he had thought of possible conversations and their outcomes to be prepared, but when he stood in front of the bald man’s office, he was nervous as hell. Although he was an adult now, carrying his own responsibilities, Yuri had been relieved that Viktor had offered to join him when he told his decision to his coach. He had framed it as he wanted to tell Yakov all the merits of Daniel Wertmann, but the Russian knew that he accompanied him to shield him from the trainer’s anger.

In the end, however, talking to Yakov about moving away had been easier than Yuri had expected. Not that it had been easy or relaxed at all, but the Russian had imagined his coach to breath fire and transform into an gigantic, bald dragon. He had predicted that he would shout at him and he would be furious about his plans. Well, he had been, but he had reacted way cooler than the blond skater had assumed. Yakov hadn’t shouted at him, but from the way his voice trembled sometimes and from his narrowed eyebrows, Yuri had recognized that he wasn’t happy. However, he had listened to his idea and the possible realisations he had already come up with. He hadn’t said a word not even when Yuri told him his reasons, although he didn’t tell him a lot, just enough to be a valid excuse for his recent behaviour and his sudden wish to move.

After Yuri had ended his talk, the coach stayed silent for something that felt like hours, but finally he had nodded and promised to contact Wertmann to check if he was capable of training the Russian. So when he and Viktor left, it took a load of Yuri’s heart. The blond skater knew he had to wait for a few more days or maybe weeks until everything was settled, but now, he had something to look forward to. Moving to Germany was the source of light at the end of the dark, winding road he was currently walking on. With this hope on his mind, he even learned to ignore Otabek whenever they met at the rink. But still he had to avoid looking into his eyes and whenever he heard his voice, tiny needles poked into his heart, but every time they became fewer. 

It was about one and a half weeks after Yuri had talked to Yakov when his coach called his name after rehearsal. “Yuri, come over here! I’ve got news from Wertmann!” The young skater hurried over the ice, noticing the confused looks of his rink mates, especially Otabek, on his back. “So, what’s up?” he asked inquiringly. “I’ve talked to him the other day and he invited you over to Munich for a week to see if you two are getting along. You can live with him and his family for the time being, so you get to know Alina, too. She might be useful if you want to keep up your ballet training, too. If everything works out fine, you could move there around May or June when the season is over. The rest will be elaborated in case you and him are able to work together.” The Russian had a hard time to hide how happy he was hearing that he might be able to move in a few months. “So when am I going to visit him?” – “Right after the World Championship.” – “Thank you.” Yakov looked at him confused. “Thanks for doing this for me,” he smiled and left the rink.

Feeling incredible light and rather pleased about how this day had turned out, Yuri made his way to the changing rooms, when he suddenly heard a loud voice that made him stop. “Did you know about that?” Somebody was shouting. Another voice was mumbling a reply, but it was too silent for the Russian to hear. “He must have told you something!” Another quiet answer. “He’s going to leave the country, Mila, that’s not nothing! You usually know everything that’s going on here, so why didn’t you know about that!” First concentrating on the content of the conversation, Yuri abruptly recognized the voice and instantly, the flame of anger that was living inside him lightened up and filled his body with fury. How did he dare to talk to Mila like that? How did he dare to shout at her because of things that weren’t his concern at all. Feeling fire burning on his skin, he stomped down the hallway until he reached the two other skaters. 

When both of them noticed his presence, they turned towards him and Otabek’s expression changed. He had visibly been angry before. His eyebrows were narrowed and his body trembled slightly. It was just a little confusing to Yuri that his eyes didn’t correspond to the rest of his body. They were widened, like he was panicking. When he saw Yuri, however, the blond skater thought he saw pain written all over his face. But why would he…? The Russian shook his head. He shouldn’t care about Otabek’s feelings anymore. “Stop shouting at her like that!”, he growled towards the Kazakh, trying to keep his composure. He clenched his fist and had to suppress the urge to hit him right in the face. But facing the other skater was still dangerous for him. Even if he was furious now, just one wrong word from Otabek and the emotions he tried to extinct by training like a maniac would come up again. 

Trying not to look at his former friend any longer, he walked towards the door. He had already reached out his hand for the handle, when the Kazakh found his voice again. It was supposed to sound strong and cold, probably distant as if he didn’t really care, but Yuri knew him too well to notice the silent tone of fear. He did his best to not let it get to him, but he had to concentrate on the fire inside him in order to not give in to the feelings that Otabek evoked again. “Is it true?” The Russian turned around and put on the most annoyed face he could come up with. “What?” – “That you’re going to leave Saint Petersburg.” – “Yes. So what?” – “But…” The Kazakh seemed suddenly a lot more insecure than before – a reaction that made Yuri even more angry. “But what?” His voice was a louder now, echoing from the walls. “But, you can’t!”

Now, the flames in Yuri took over and burned the rip cord that had been holding him together. His whole body tensed and electricity ran through his veins. “Don’t you dare telling me what I can’t do! What I’m doing with my life is none of your concern anymore! You have left me and our friendship behind, so have no right to tell me anything! You used me and then you left me behind like I was trash! I might have been your toy for the longest time, but that’s over now! You already got yourself a new one, so why don’t you finally leave me alone and play with your latest lover? I’m sick of you meddling in my life! I’m sick of you still having such an impact on me! I don’t want to hear your voice anymore! I don’t want to see your face anymore! I just don’t want to ever be reminded of your existence again!” Yuri shouted at rushed into the changing room, letting the door shut loudly behind him.


	29. Lost Boy

When Yuri came home that day, he was still angry. He was mad at Otabek for still caring about him although he done all those things to him. After he had taken a shower, the flames in the Russian had cooled down and he had returned to a more reasonable state. The whole way home he couldn’t help but thinking about why in hell the Kazakh was so perturbed by him moving away. His behaviour made absolutely no sense to him. First he had left him, he hadn’t talked to him in weeks, then he dated somebody else and accused Yuri of sleeping around and now he told him that he couldn’t move to Germany. It made him furious not to understand his former friend at all, but it bothered him even more that he thought about him in general. Of course, his feelings for Otabek would continue to follow him for a long time and yet he did everything in his power to forget about him. He practised so much he couldn’t move anymore, he occupied his brain with a lot of other different things and still one sentence from the Kazakh made his mind evolve only around him.

Lying in his bed, starring at the ceiling he tried to reconstruct what had happened earlier and what was the thing that irritated him so much. Thinking about it again and again, he realized it wasn’t what Otabek had said, but how he had looked. In his eyes, he had seen so much pain as if it really hurt him that Yuri left Saint Petersburg. His whole face had been convulsing and if the Russian remembered it correctly, his body has been tensing as if he had forced himself to hold back. But why had he needed to do that? The blond skater already wondered why Otabek seemed so shocked by his decision. For more than one and a half months, he hadn’t cared about him at all or he would have tried to contact or talk to him and now he was distressed of Yuri moving away in order to not have to see Otabek anymore. Yuri didn’t want to admit, but the longer he thought about the other’s expression, the worse he felt himself. No matter how much he tried to hate the Kazakh, seeing him being in pain still affected him. It made his throat tense and small needles tried to prick through the lump of ice that had built around his heart. For hours he couldn’t figure out any reasonable conclusion for the other’s behaviour and eventually, he screamed into his pillow.

Once more Otabek had managed to be on his mind for hours and Yuri despised himself for giving in to his thoughts so easily. He could try to shut the Kazakh out with all his might, with all the strength he had left. But as soon as Otabek threw a look at him that wasn’t made of ice daggers or he said his name in a voice that didn’t drip of disgust, Yuri couldn’t hate him anymore. He could only feel mad, and frustrated and pissed off as long as he remembered that Otabek hated him, too. As long as he sensed his cold, denigrating gaze on his body, the Russian could turn his disappointment, his sadness and his anger into hate and point it directly at the other skater. As long as Otabek’s behaviour reminded him of what he had done to him – leaving him, ignoring him, replacing him – Yuri could resist the constant reappearance of the emotions he buried deep inside. The second, however, that Otabek showed the smallest sign of feeling anything else for the blond boy than disgust, he couldn’t deny anymore that he was still in love with him. Only one moment in which the Kazakh seemed to still care for Yuri was enough to bring back everything, starting from the tensing of his chest when he realized that he missed his best friend, over the cramping of his stomach when he remembered all the times the Kazakh held him in his arms, to the ache of his heart when he relived the moment they kissed for the first time.

Maybe he should just accept having these feelings that wouldn’t go away easily. Maybe he should just acknowledge that he would be weak when it came to Otabek forever. It wasn’t bad in general being in love with the Kazakh, he had managed to live with it for such a long time and for the most part it hadn’t been painful at all. Only them sleeping with each other and the resulting break that Otabek had initiated had led Yuri to lose himself and had made him suffer so much. Probably, with time, when he had enough distance to really get over everything, he would be able to accept that he still had those feelings and become used to live with them. It was time now, to act like and adult – recognise the thing he couldn’t change, let them exist and create a life where they had their justification, but didn’t play a major part anymore. With this idea in mind, Yuri pulled the blanket over himself, closed his eyes and fell asleep instantly.

Waking up the next day, Yuri felt quite confident to survive the last few days until the World Championship and then he would be in Germany anyways. He got up, had breakfast with Viktor and Yuuri and afterwards made his way to the rink. As soon as walked in, he felt Otabek’s eyes on his back and it didn’t get better during his warm-up and stretching. Not even from the corner of his eye, the Russian dared to look at the other skater when he positioned himself in the centre of the rink to practise his free skate. He needed to concentrate on his choreography now. If he messed it up today, the chanced of scoring in the competition were pretty low. After his involuntary break, he had had to make up for a lot. Yuri knew he could do it, but in order to live up to his whole potential, he mustn’t think about Otabek. He close his eyes and focused on his breath.   
In and out. In and out. His eyes still closed, he nodded and Yakov turned on the music. The first notes reached Yuri’s ears and his heart beat calmed down instantly. He adjusted his breath to the rhythm of the song – a song he had chosen on his own. A song he had never believed to fit his situation so well. Everything that had been on his mind before was beard away my the beautiful melody and when the woman began to sing, Yuri opened his eyes and felt his presence filling the room. His movements followed that beautiful voice singing in a language he didn’t understand. But he didn’t need to. Her tender voice was enough to guide him away from everything that surrounded him into a place where there was nothing but him and the ice under his skates.

Yuri just came out of his finale pose, when he heard voices coming from the entrance. He turned around to see who they came from and of course, it was Otabek standing at the boards talking to somebody the Russian couldn’t see as he was hidden behind the Kazakh. “Can I help you?”, the skater asked the visitor, but even though his words sounded politely, his voice didn’t do so at all. It rather arose the impression that he had pressed them out, his jaw tensing like the rest of his body. Yuri was curious. Not only, because that stranger had nearly interrupted his performance, but it was completely unlike Otabek to talk to people that way. He didn’t talk a lot in general, but mostly he sounded indifferent when he met knew people. Hearing him being fraught lead the Russian to slowly glide towards them.   
“I’m looking for somebody. You probably know him. It’s that filthy, untamable tiger they say is practising here.” Somehow, Yuri felt like he had heard that voice before. It couldn’t be somebody he knew well. He had probably met that guy only once, yet he had no idea where this could have been. “And what do you want from him?” The Kazakh’s words were hardly audible. The words were pressed through his grinding teeth and the Russian feared for a second that he would tear the other guy into pieces. But why would he? This didn’t concern him at all. Why would he be irritated by someone who came to see Yuri. One step more and the stranger appeared behind Otabek’s back. “Oh, I guess I found him. Hey kitten. Long time no see,” he smirked. Yuri closed his eyes. ‘Oh damn, not that idiot!’


	30. The Only Reason

Yuri sat down on the couch and ran his fingers through his slightly wet hair. Why had this idiot had to show up? It had been months since they had spent one night together, so what made him looking for the Russian after all this time? It couldn’t have been the sex, because, at least for Yuri, it hadn’t been more than okay. Not thrilling or extravagant, but not the worst the Russia had experienced. How did he find him anyways? The blond skater was sure he hadn’t told him more than his first name and that guy didn’t look like he was into skating. Not that it really mattered now. After Yuri had pulled him away from the rink and outside the stadium, he had told him in no uncertain terms, that if he dared to look for him once more, if he showed up at the rink one more time, he would kill him. Luckily, that stupid moron had understood pretty fast and nearly ran away. Yuri had been so pissed off, he had been convinced it wouldn’t make any sense to return on the ice. He wouldn’t have been able to concentrate anyways. Instead, he had returned to his own apartment and taken a short shower not only to get rid of the sweat, but also to calm himself down. He had decided not to return to Viktor and Yuuri as he didn’t really feel like explaining why he was already back so early.

Under the shower, Otabek appeared in his mind. Yuri didn’t even spent time judging himself for thinking about the Kazakh again. He hadn’t even have the capacities to do so. Instead, he was once more completely captivated by the other’s behaviour. Never before had he seen him so irritated and hostile. Otabek usually was calm. By most people, he was perceived as cold and distant, but Yuri knew that he was the nicest and politest person in the world. The Kazakh would never harm anybody and yet… Remembering the look in his eyes when he talked to the idiot from the ‘Fame’, the Russian wouldn’t have been surprised if he had broken his neck in an instant and torn him apart until nothing was left of him. Hardly human, he had reminded Yuri of a wild animal, like a wolf or a bear. His eyes had been narrowed and focused on the victim in front of him, waiting for them to do one wrong step. Just for a second, the Russian remembered how hot his gaze has been and he even imagined being pierced through by this dark and wild look himself. Shaking his head vigorously, he banished these pictures from his mind. There were probably a lot better opportunities to get hard because of the Kazakh than now. He still wanted to figure out why the other skater had been so irritated. Otabek was neither a beast nor a monster yet his presence had been animally . He wasn’t acting out of hunger or blood-lust. So he really had no reason to attack this guy, even if he didn’t like him. 

Yuri thought of Potya. Yes, his beloved cat wasn’t a tiger, but he still had the same instincts. He might be pretty lazy from time to time, but there were moments, too, when he acted in a similar way as Otabek had done. The first one was obviously when Yuri mocked him by not putting his feeding dish down after he had filled it and instead waved it from side to side in front of him. But the Kazakh wasn’t a cat that wanted to be fed. The only other situation that the Russian could recall when Potya had the same glimpse in his eyes was when he tried to take away his favourite toy. It was small plush mouse with catnip in it. He had just wanted to clean it a bit once, but the cat had clung to it and had even scratched him until he had given up. Slowly, Yuri realized why Otabek had been so hostile to that guy, why he had been distressed when he found out that the Russian would move away. He feared that Yuri was taken away from him. Yet Yuri didn’t belong to him, on the contrary, if he had ever been his, he had thrown him away more than one month ago. His heart, however, cramped and his fingers tickled when he gave way to the thought that he still might be important to Otabek.

Yuri turned off the water and stepped out of the shower. Towelling himself, he came to wonder why fate hated him so much. Sure, he hadn’t been the perfect human-being, but he was sure there were a lot of people that deserved to be punished more than him. Every time he had found a way or at least an idea of how to cope with his situation, something happened and everything was in ruins again. He got dressed and threw himself on the couch. His head already started hurting, unable to cope with all the new information and hypotheses on Otabek’s behaviour. Could it really be that, after all, he still meant something to the Kazakh? Had the news of Yuri moving to Germany made him realize that he still liked him – at least as a friend? Just in the moment when a warm and tingling filled his body, a heavy shadow crushed unto him like a stone.   
Trying to solve the situation at the rink without brining everyone else to the scene, he had left the ice, took his bag and dragged the guy outside. Instead of acting like the didn’t know him, he acknowledged him and their implied relationship in front of Otabek. By not thinking about how his actions might be perceived, he had managed to validate the picture the Kazakh already had from him. Yuri sighed when the nice sensation in his stomach vanished. Why did life hate him so much that it kept on trampling on him?

Suddenly, the door was opened and someone came in, running down the hallway. Yuri who had been supporting his head with his hands looked up and met Otabek’s surprised gaze. He was panting heavily as if he had run there. „Where is he?" – "Who?" – "That guy who came for you at the rink!" – "Why should he be here? Like I'd bring such an idiot here," Yuri answered, still too shocked that Otabek was here to realize that he was mad at the Kazakh. It seemed like a heavy weight fell off the older boy’s chest when he sighed in relief. "I thought..." – "You thought what?” Suddenly, the flames of anger inside Yuri flashed and he got up from the sofa. “Did you think that I would fuck him right here after he interrupted my training? Should I even reward him for annoying me? For thinking he was important enough to just come to the rink as if he was doing this every day? I’m not working my ass off for fun! This is my fucking job! And you really think I would just accept a random idiot that I had the unlucky pleasure to meet once to break into my training and even be okay with this? That I would drop everything just to get fucked by him? Do you think that I’m such a slut? Let me tell you something: Even if he had given me the best orgasm of all times – and he was further away from that than me doing it myself – I would never, NEVER, let my work be interrupted by just anybody.”

Yuri was panting heavily, so he needed a moment to catch his breath. Otabek in front of him seemed quite startled of his sudden outburst and tried to open his mouth, but the Russian wasn’t finished yet. “Why do you even care? It's not like this has anything to do with you! Yes, we might share this apartment, but as the word ‘sharing’ implies, I’m still living here, too, so I can use these rooms and especially my room as I like. I can bring here whomever I want. I can fuck whomever I want and you can’t do anything about it. You don’t have the right to tell me anything anymore. I thought I told you I don't want you to be a part of my life anymore! Give me one good reason, why I shouldn't bring a guy here! Tell me one good reason why you are standing here, daring to do whatever you have planned to do when you rushed in here!" Yuri wanted to rant on, when Otabek interrupted him with an answer he hadn't expected. The Kazakh voice was calm when he spoke the words Yuri would never have hoped to hear from him and that blew out his anger in a second. "Because I love you.”


	31. Broken Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for all your lovely comments on the last chapter. Your reactions where exactly as I was hoping for.   
> I called the next chapters the "Talking Chapters", because there will be a LOT of talking. I just hope that you won't think of it as boring.

“Because I love you.” Otabek’s words were still ringing in Yuri’s ears. For a few minutes now, he hadn’t said anything. He hadn’t even moved. The anger that had roared inside him had vanished in a second and left only confusion. "You must be kidding me. If you think this is funny, you're..." His voice trembled although he tried to control it. Also his legs where shivering and the Russian feared that they would give up under him. It couldn’t be true. It just wasn’t possible. Still shocked, he watched Otabek as he slowly walked towards the Russian. Every step was cautious like he was trying not to scare Yuri and make him run away. The latter, however, wasn’t able to move even if he wanted to. Gently, the Kazakh rose his arms and cupped Yuri's face with his hands. "I love you," he whispered with the most earnest expression Yuri had ever seen on him. His eyes were fixating the Russian’s, capturing them, not willing to let them go. There wasn’t a single sign of doubt. Instead, behind the strong façade of convincement, Yuri saw a lot more things. The blonde skater discovered shame and fear. Hope and desperation. This was too much for Yuri. All these emotions descended on him and neither did he know how to process them nor how to handle them. He tried to look away, but Otabek gently guided his face back. Then, he closed his eyes and kissed Yuri.

Thousands of butterflies rushed through the Russian’s veins as soon as their lips touched. They spread over his whole body, waking up every single frozen muscle with their tingling wings. Even Yuri’s ice-cold heart slowly starting thawing. This kiss wasn’t to be compared with the other ones they had shared before. It was softer and lovelier. It was shy and yet it revealed everything. There were no secrets left between them. No hidden emotions covered by a coat of lust like before. Every single inch of Yuri was filled with the realisation that Otabek loved him. Like honey on the butterflies’ wings, it was spread even into the smallest corner until he nearly burst. For more than a month he hadn’t felt so good. The Kazakh really loved him. He returned his feelings. He probably had felt like this the whole time and yet…

Yuri pushed himself away from the Kazakh, because he didn't understand anything. His heart was pounding hard against his chest and his mind was spinning due to hundreds of questions that popped up. "What….why?” Yuri made a few steps backwards to create some distance between them. “Who do think you are? Do think this is funny? You did all of those things to me and now you say you love me? Why should I believe you? Why should I think that this isn't just another move of you to break me even more?” – “Yuri, please. Listen to me and..” – “No! You will listen to me first! Have you any idea what you did to me? How much you hurt me? The whole time, I was happy that you were my friend. That I could talk to you and spent time with you. I didn’t even care that you didn’t have the same feelings for me as I had towards you, but that was fine. For a long time it was fine. I managed to hide it even when you moved in with me. Everything was fine until I couldn’t get you off my mind anymore. I wanted to be with you the whole time. I tried to think about something else, I tried to think about somebody else, but no matter how often I went out at night, I never found someone who could compete with you in the slightest. So I started to work out instead, I spent nights running in the cold to exhaust myself so much that I wouldn’t dream about you.”

The Russian had stopped shouting and his voice was a lot softer now. He had never intended to tell Otabek all of this, but his mouth kept on going. “But then you kissed me in our kitchen and my mind went numb. I knew it was wrong. I knew one of us would regret it later, but in all my life, nothing had ever felt so good as being held tight by you. I went with the flow risking our friendship without thinking twice. And it was so good. It was perfect. And then, I understood why nobody could satisfy me, why every time I tried be with somebody else, something was missing. I realized that we had slept with each other before that and I was shocked. Not because, we spent a night together, but because you didn’t tell me. I was so mad at you. We have told each other everything and suddenly you kept secrets from me. I didn’t understand why you were hiding that from me. Of course, I considered you having feelings for me for a second, but it just seemed absurd. Why should you… towards me…”

Yuri paused for a moment. All these memories were still too vivid and it hurt reliving every single one of them. “When we had that argument afterwards, I didn’t want to hear you out and I guess this is the cause to everything that happened later. I really regret it. I really do. Everything might have been different if I just wasn’t as thick-headed. But I am and because of that we started that stupid…thing… I loved it. I loved every single time we had sex. Just feeling our skin on mine was incredible. But soon enough I realized that this was only physical. No matter how much I enjoyed being with you, your feelings weren’t the same as mine. From that point it hurt. It hurt touching you, it hurt kissing you, but I couldn’t stop. I lost myself in this weird relationship, caught up by the please and satisfaction, but destroyed by the pain, knowing that you would never see anything more in me. That day when you…le…,” Yuri gulped, “I wanted to confess to you, hoping that it would finally end this constant ache in me. But before I could do so you…”

Tears started filling Yuri’s eyes. He had managed to hide this memory far away under tons of heavy cabinets of other memories. To pull it out now brought back all the pain he had felt in that moment. It was crushing into him and he nearly broke down if Otabek hadn’t caught him, pulling him into a tight hug. For a moment, the Russian considered pushing him away again, but the warmth of the Kazakh’s body, the strong arms on his back soothed the pain and helped him to focus again. “That time afterwards was the worst in my life. I felt so empty. Nothing made sense anymore. Nothing seemed important anymore. Every memory of you hurt and I vanished every time I thought about you. I have no idea what would have happened if Viktor and Yuuri hadn’t been there for me. They looked after me and tried their best to help me. Even after I saw you and… I tried to do my best to fight back. I tried to ignore you, but just feeling our eyes on me was too much. Eventually, I decided to move away to get some distance, to focus only on skating and hopefully heal over the course of time. But now, you are here and you tell me that you love me and…. I don’t know what to think anymore. I can’t sort out myself. I.. I…”

At first, only one single tear broke free and ran down Yuri’s cheek, but soon he couldn’t hold it in anymore and his whole body was shaking from his sobs. He really didn’t know what to do anymore, this was too much for him. He had been working so hard to build up his armour and now this one sentence from Otabek had teared it down. Yuri felt naked and exposed. It was like he had thrown away the last robe he had been clinging onto. Trying to find something to hold, to prevent the surroundings from slipping away, he clenched his fingers into Otabek’s shirt. The latter pulled him closer and whispered into his ear. “It’s okay. I’m here and I won’t leave you.” He gently caressed Yuri’s back and placed soft kisses on his head until the Russian calmed down a little. He drew back just enough to look into the blond skater’s eyes. His expression was worried, even pained. With his right hand, he wiped away the last tears on Yuri’s cheek.  
"I know that I've done a lot things wrong, Yura - more things than I could count and believe me: I regret every single one of them. But what I'm telling you is the truth. I love you and I always have. If you let me, I will explain everything. I just beg you: listen to me and if you want to go abroad and hate me for the rest of your life afterwards, it will be fine, because it is my fault. At least I have tried everything in my might. So please, sit down with me and listen." Yuri hesitated for a moment, not sure if listening to the Kazakh would help him sort the chaos inside him out, or if it would only make everything worse, but remembering what happened when he refused to listen to him, he nodded and let Otabek guide him to the sofa where they sat down next to each other.


	32. Heartache On The Big Screen

Otabek’s voice was calm, yet it was nearly just a whisper. When he started talking, he didn’t look at Yuri. His head was facing the floor while he supported his arms on his knees, his fingers intertwined with each other. Just by the way he played with his hands, the Russian noticed how nervous Otabek must be. “I can’t really remember when I fell in love with you, because it happened so long ago. I guess it was when I first met you at the summer training camp. I don’t know what it has been that made me fall for you. Was it your eyes? Your grace or maybe even your personality? Since then, however, I didn’t get you from my mind and I followed your career. There wasn’t one season of you that I missed. I was so happy when you finally debuted in the senior league, because then, I had the opportunity to meet you again.” He paused for a moment and Yuri saw a sad smile on Otabek’s lips from the corner of his eye. “To realize that you didn’t remember me at all hurt a lot more than I had expected. You have been on my mind for years, but you didn’t even know that I existed. But then, we became friends and I was so happy, because I never had imagined to be so close to you. I enjoyed being just a friend although I always wanted to be more to you, yet I felt special, because you showed me sides of you nobody else knew. I knew everything about you – I know your weaknesses, I know your strengths. All the little things I learnt about you over the years made me only fall even more in love with you. 

The decision to move to St. Petersburg wasn’t completely caused by the fact that so many good coaches live here. I just couldn’t help myself anymore. The wish to be with you and to see you whenever I wanted to, not only three or four times a year, made me take that step. You have no idea how nervous I was when I told you. I was so afraid that you would reject me. That you wanted to keep our friendship and skating separated. The seconds where you said nothing…I still remember them. It felt like my heart was torn in two. But then, you smiled and hugged me and I was sure that if I had died that moment, there couldn’t have been a sweeter death.   
I was reluctant, however, when you asked me to move in with you. The possibility to be close to you every day, to secretly let my finger’s run through your hair, to sit next to you on the coach, watching you falling asleep in front of the TV, was so tempting, yet at the same time, I wasn’t sure if I would be to hide my feelings for you. I really had no idea what to say until you looked at me with these eyes of yours and I couldn’t say no anymore. 

Everything was fine until Viktor and Yuuri’s wedding. Well, it wasn’t always easy and sometimes when you stayed somewhere else overnight, it really hurt. There were nights when I was sure that I would die from the heartache. Other nights I tried to find somebody else in order to don’t have to think about you. But all the times, I had to imagine what it would be like to kiss you, to touch your bare skin. I always fantasized that it was you and not a stranger that I was giving so much pleasure. That it was you, tossing and turning under my fingers, begging me to finally… It kinda worked, at least most of the times. Then came the wedding and I still don’t know if it was a mistake or not. The whole day, I couldn’t take my eyes of you. That golden waistcoat looked so good on you and although you were complaining and insulting the other guest the whole time, I still think it was one of the funniest days of my life.  
The whole party, I wanted to dance with you, but I didn’t know how to ask. I tried to figure out a way to ask you when I danced with Mila while you were filling yourself with one Vodka after another. I noticed that you were watching us, I felt your eyes burning on my back. I didn’t know why, but you glaring at us made me feel happy. This and the fact that you were pretty drunk made me hope that you wouldn’t reject me and grant me at least one dance. And you did and it still seems like miracle to me. Showing you how to let go from your usual routine and make you feel and follow my movements was truly magical. You seemed so different from usual. So carefree and so beautiful, I decided that I wouldn’t let you dance with anyone else at the party but me. I hadn’t intended to carry you to our room and I don’t know what got into me for letting you kiss me. I would love to blame the alcohol, but I should have hold myself back either way. I just thought that one time, just one time, couldn’t be so wrong. Of course, I felt like I was making use of you because you were so drunk, but as soon as you kissed me, my mind went blank and all that was left was the desire to savour this one time and to make you mine even if it was for only this night.” 

Otabek was still looking straight ahead. His eyes were fixing a point somewhere behind the wall. Yuri dared to examine him from the corner of his eye. His heart instantly increased it’s pace, when the Kazakh’s lips suddenly formed a smile. “It was the best night of my life. Gosh, I never knew how extraordinary, how amazing, no how perfect if would feel to be so close to you. The memory I have left is a little cloudy, but it still fills me with the same heat as back then. I realized afterwards that I could never sleep with somebody else as long as I had feelings for you. I would have felt wrong, even a little like I was cheating on you and it would never be as beautiful as the night that we shared. The whole night, I couldn’t sleep. I tried to come up with a way to explain myself, why I gave in to your temptation. When you woke up, however, you didn’t remember anything and while I was glad that you wouldn’t find out about my feelings that way, it hurt so much I can’t put into words. I was so afraid that our friendship could be affected by what we had done, I accepted the dagger which was stabbing into my heart every time I looked at you since then.   
Yet aside from that, I thought it would be easy to keep on going like before. I reckoned it would just come natural. Oh how wrong I’ve been. Since then, my desire to be with you and to monopolize you became even stronger. When you went out, I had to hold myself back from following you and kill all the guys who were trying to touch you with their filthy hands. I couldn’t stand that you were fine with anyone while I was left with the memory of our night and the knowledge that nobody else could satisfy me besides you. I needed to find a way to make you forget about other people and look only at me. I proposed to have sex with each other out of the stupid idea to get closer to you that way. I hoped that, making you mine physically over and over again, you would fall for me, too.   
At the beginning, it was weird. I would never have believed that you would except my proposal. I did my best to blind out the fact that you didn’t have the same feelings as I did, as I do. This way, at least, I could make sure that you didn’t see anybody else as this was way too comfortable for you since you didn’t need to go out, and my body was given the drug it had been craving for since the wedding. Everything was alright until I noted the changes in you. I noticed that something was different. You acted strange, you stopped talking to me. You kept on sleeping with me, but I felt that you were forcing yourself. At first, I could see it from you face, the dark circles under your eyes. Then your fingers were trembling every time I got close to you. And finally, the shimmer in your eyes vanished. The shimmer that I love the most about you. The sparkle that makes you a soldier was gone and I knew that I, that we, couldn’t go on like this.”


	33. Everything I Didn't Say

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaannndd more talking (told you they have a lot to say) ;)

“I tried to keep my distance from you, because I didn't want you to be hurt even more, but at the same time, I just wanted to hold you in my arms and tell you that everything would be okay. You wouldn't admit it, but I saw the reaction of your body. I'm not stupid. I noticed when you ran to the bathroom to vomit right after we had sex more than once. I thought that you had to force yourself to sleep with me if you were reacting like this. It hurt me. I never wanted you to pressure yourself so much. I always believed you liked it, too. Your expression that moment before we kissed. The sounds you made when I was finally inside you. None of these things seemed forced. I could see and sense how much pleasure you felt and that is why I couldn’t stop. I was so torn between being close to you and staying away from you.

I knew that your changes must have something to with me. I never believed that something else would have been bothering you so much, because you would have told me otherwise. I tried to talk to you, but distanced yourself from me and suddenly, you also stopped sleeping with me. With every day you seemed to get worse and worse. Even when we only saw each other for a few minutes. I couldn't stand seeing you like this anymore. You seemed to vanish the more we slept with each other and even after that you merely were a shadow of yourself. I knew that it was my fault. I didn’t understand how and why, but I knew that I didn’t want to be responsible for hurting you any longer, because of my own selfishness.”

Yuri heart was pounding heavily against his chest. For some moments he even forgot how to breathe. Hearing all this from Otabek’s perspective, how he thought about their relationship, how much it had hurt him to see Yuri in such a bad state. Although he didn’t want to let this get too close to him, Yuri noticed that he opened himself up. He allowed Otabek’s words to reach out for him and to touch his heart. He understood why the Kazakh had left him and even though it still made his stomach tense. He realized that Otabek had just wanted to protect him, ignoring his own feelings.

“I know it was selfish of me, too, to leave like that, but I didn't know what to do anymore. I saw no other way. I thought that if I but a final end to this, you would feel better soon. I know that you wanted to tell me something, but since the words didn’t want to come out, I believed that you had to force yourself and I couldn’t stand you lying to me for my sake. So even if it hurt like hell, I left and I regretted it as soon as I closed the door behind me. I couldn't sleep that night, because it felt just wrong. In the middle of the night, I returned back home, but you weren't there and I couldn't stop myself from imagining you with someone else. I knew that this behaviour wasn't like you, but on the other hand, you weren't yourself lately and by brain continuously made up those pictures. I hated myself for thinking about you this way. I waited the whole night and the following day, but you didn’t show up and I really started worrying about you. I called everyone, but nobody knew where you were or they didn’t want to tell me. I can’t blame them, though. I deserved it. I deserved that my worries and the pain of losing you kept me awake every night. I hurt you, there’s no other way to say it. Although I wanted to protect you by leaving, I did the exact opposite. I’m so sorry for what I’ve done and I hope that someday, you can forgive me.

 

I didn’t hear anything from you nor did you come back home. I wanted to call you so many times, but I was sure that you wouldn’t pick up anyways. I was so happy when you finally showed up at the rink again a few days later, but as soon as I saw you, I instantly knew that I had fucked up. You looked even worse than before. You were so pale, hardly able to stand on your own feet. God, I hated myself so much for doing all of this to you. I wanted to talk to you and apologize, but when you ran away, my body wouldn’t move at all. It took a while until Viktor went to look after you and he came back carrying you out of the bathrooms. I was devastated. I have ruined you. All I ever wanted to do was make you happy….I couldn’t have failed more.

I tried to contact you afterwards. I wanted to know if you were okay, but Viktor made clear to me that I should keep my distance from you. It probably was better that way, although the next weeks had been an absolute horror. For nearly a month, nobody saw you or heard anything from you. Even Yakov had no idea what had been happening to you. He only told me that you were with Viktor and Yuuri. Several times, I went to their apartment. I stood in front of their door, but I was too afraid to knock. Your friends would surely have banished me and although I wanted to see you, talk to you and make sure that you were okay, I trusted their judgement on your condition more than my desire to be with you.

I could tell you how hard these weeks had been for me. I could tell you all the things I tried to get you out of my mind, but honestly, I deserved it. It was my own stupid decision to leave you and that was the price I had to pay.

When you finally returned to the rink, looking a lot stronger than before, you have no idea how relieved I was to see that you recovered. Everything in me wanted to run to you, hug you and apologize, but at the same time, I was afraid of overwhelming you. I was pretty sure that you hated me and the way you looked at me did only emphasise that. So I stayed away from you, you I couldn’t stop my eyes from following you. To see you skating again was the best thing that had happened to me in the last month. You finally had your fire and your passion back and when you finished your training you had that glow in your eyes again. I didn’t know how, but somehow you had managed to get over me. I always knew that you were a lot stronger than me. How pathetic and weak I was and still am, I realized a few moments later.

I didn’t want to listen when Georgi asked you in front of everybody where you’ve been. I didn’t want to know. To be sure that you were alright was everything I needed. I already reminded myself often enough of what I had done to you. Hearing it from you would have broken me even more. Your conversation, or better Georgi’s monologue, however, turned out a lot different. All the things he said were absolute nonsense, I knew that. I tried to banish the pictures his voice created from my mind, but when you didn’t say anything to correct him, I feared that he could have said the truth. I have no idea what came to my mind when I asked you if you have been with another guy, but before I could think, those words had left my lips. I wanted to provoke you, to make you say that all of this was stupid. That there wasn’t another guy. But all I had done was hurting you again, even insulting you. The look you gave me back then still hunts me, you know. This was the second time, I hated myself for doing something without thinking. For hurting you when I only wanted you to be happy.

I thought I couldn’t get even more miserable until I heard that you would move away. If you left Saint Petersburg you would take everything away from me, even if all I had left was to see you skating every other day. Also, this would destroy my last chance to talk to you and make everything right, although I was pretty sure you didn’t want to hear my excuses. How right I was. You shouted at me. You told me that you hated me and kicked me out of your life. You told me to find a new lover. As if that is possible. I love you so much I hurt you multiple times, because I thought I could make you happy that way. I love you so much I even hurt myself until I nearly went crazy. I’ve loved you for such a long time and every time I look at you I am reminded why I fell for you in the first place. Of course, I can’t say for sure, but I’m convinced that I will never meet a person that will be more important to me than you. You are my everything, Yura. I know you think I threw you away, but all I ever wanted to do, was keeping you close, so that nobody could ever see why you are such an amazing and beautiful person. I don’t want you to be with somebody else. I always wanted to be with you and I hoped that, someday, you would feel the same. Guess, I did a lot to never make this happen. But no matter what you’re gonna do: If you want to move, if you want me to stay away from you, I will do as you wish, hoping that, one day, you will forgive me. But even if this will never happen, my feelings for you won’t change. I love you, Yura. I love you from the bottom of my heart.”


	34. Greenlight

After hearing what Otabek had said, Yuri stayed silent. He needed some time to think about everything and the Kazakh gave him all the time he needed. The anger he had built up the last months hadn’t vanished, but it had decreased a lot. Of course, Otabek had done many things wrong, but at least, he had never wanted to hurt Yuri. He had wanted the best for him and the Russian believed him. All he had done was in order to make him happy, the Russian understood that, even if the other skater hadn’t always used the best methods to do so. Yet to be fair, Yuri had to admit that he also had done many things wrong. They should have talked about their feelings a lot earlier, because now, both of them were hurt. The whole time when he had thought that Otabek had looked cold and distant, he had been trying to hide how he really felt – just like Yuri. Even now, watching him from the corner of his eyes, the Russian saw, no, he even sensed, how low he felt. An aura of regret and pain surrounded him, muffling the usually bright shine in his eyes. Yuri didn’t know if he should feel this way, if it was right to give in so easy, but watching the Kazakh hating himself so much, deepening his own wounds with every word, made the young skater’s heart break. He never wanted for Otabek to feel this way. He wanted him to be happy. He wanted to see the smile he fell in love with.

He still couldn’t realize that Otabek was also in love with him and to fully accept it, he was way too confused and too rattled. It seemed so absurd, like a fairy tale. Surely, it made sense what the other skater had said, yet his brain refused to take that in as a fact. Also, he had still some questions that held him back from letting the Kazakh get closer to his heart again.

“Can I ask you something?” Breaking the silence between them felt like shattering the house of glass around them.

“Sure, everything you want.”

“You…you really never met anyone at the wedding, did you?”

“No. It was the night with you that made me stop sleeping with other people. I wanted nobody else but you.”

“Then why did you have that date?" Yuri blurted out. This was the only thing that didn’t make sense to him.

“What date?”

“In that café we always go to. It must have been about a month ago. Like in the second week of February or so.” It was embarrassing for Yuri to still know the exact date. He had no idea why, but it was engraved in his memory as one of the worst days in his life, yet he would never tell Otabek. Although he deserved it a little, he was already feeling bad enough.

“Yes, I was there. Once but…”

“I saw you there,” Yuri admitted. “You were with a guy I didn’t recognize. You looked so familiar, so close, I…” His voice became more silent at the end until it broke.

“What guy? I.." Otabek stopped. “Oh…”

“What ‘Oh’?"

"I thought I had imagined it...It might sound weird, but I've seen you everywhere: walking around a corner in front of me, behind be in the supermarket. I thought I was going insane, but it was really you back then." He stopped and Yuri was close to cut out his tongue if he didn't come to the point soon. "That guy was Erzhan. He's been a friend of mine since childhood. I think you must have seen him on a picture in my room. He was in Saint Petersburg for family reasons and he asked me if we wanted to meet up. I thought it was a good way to get you out of my head for a little while."

"That was Erzhan? But he looks so different from the picture I know."

"Yeah, didn’t he? He changed a lot. I haven't seen him myself in two years as he had been living in South America, studying plants and animals in the rain forest. I was quite surprised myself when I saw him."

“So you guys weren’t…?” Yuri didn’t want to know, but at the same time, he wanted certainty.

“No! No. Besides the fact that he’s engaged to a wonderful girl who went to school with us, I would never… Since I realized that you were the only one I really wanted, I never looked at anyone this way.”

“I see.” Yuri really wanted to trust Otabek. He believed that what he said was true. The Kazakh had no reason to lie to him. He hadn’t even done that in the past. Yes, he hadn’t told him everything, but he had always told the truth. The way he spoke and his expression were more earnest than the blond skater had ever seen him before. His own body told the Russian that his friend was sincere, yet, his brain made him remain cautious. It would probably take a long time to rebuild their relationship.

 

„May I ask something, too?” Otabek interrupted his thoughts after they both had stayed quiet for some time.

“Um?”

“Do I have…like…is there the slightest chance…that you’ll forgive me?”

Yuri thought for a moment. “I guess…yes…I mean… It’ll take some time for sure, but… It’s not like you’re the only person to blame. I just can’t promise that’ll be any time soon.”

Otabek smiled, but he couldn’t hide the disappointment in his eyes.  “That’s more than I hoped for.”

They sat next to each other in silence again. Yuri noticed that there were still things on Otabek’s mind that he didn’t dare to ask.

“You can ask another question, if you want,” he murmured.

“I know, but I don’t know if I want to hear the answer.”

“Um?” Yuri cocked his head and examined Otabek who squidged his fingers so hard, the Russian feared that he would break them. Then he suddenly stopped.

"Will you...come back? I mean back home?"

Yuri hesitated. Did he want to return here? Sure, living with Victor and Yuuri was pretty annoying, but at least he could calm down there. If he was living with Otabek again, everything was uncertain. Everything could happen. The darkness around him might reappear. The weights to pull him down might wrap around his ankles and wrists again. But on the other hand, getting used to the Kazakh could also help him return to his old form.

"You don't need to. I won't lie and tell you that I don't care. Of course, I want you to come back. This way I could see you every day and make sure you're okay. But I understand that it's easier for you right now to stay away from me. You want to concentrate on the world championship and if keeping my distance from you helps you achieve that goal, I'll do my best to support you."

"No," Yuri blurted out without thinking. Otabek looked at him surprised.

"I mean...you don't need to stay away from me."

A shy smile formed on the Kazakh's lips. "Thank you. I don't know if I could have held myself back."

It was quiet again for a while and Yuri wasn’t sure if this silence was comfortable or not. It wasn’t completely awkward, but there were still so many unspoken things between them that made the atmosphere charged. In addition, both were so unsure about how to act and talk, it felt a lot like their first meeting.

"But… you still want to go to Germany, don't you?” Otabek’s voice was merely a whisper.

"Yeah, sure. I mean, Yakov has already arranged everything."

The way Otabek's expression changed, sent painful aches through Yuri's heart.

"But I haven't decided yet, if I will train there. At first, I'm going to visit Wertmann for two weeks and afterwards, I'll decide what to do. Maybe I don't like him," he added quickly. Somehow, he didn't want Otabek to look that way. His brain told him that he deserved it, but if Yuri was honest, he would have loved to take the Kazakh's hand and tell him that he would never leave him.

"It's okay. I knew very well that your decision wouldn't change. But I'll wait for you. Not only those two weeks, but the whole time until you come back."

Yuri wanted tell him that he didn't need to, but Otabek didn't let him say anything.

"Please don't say that this is not necessary. This sounds too much like I don't stand a chance anymore. I want to wait for you even if you don't want me anymore. It's not like I could do anything else. My feelings for you haven't changed in the last six years, so I'm sure they won't do so during these months. Even if you stay there for years, I will wait. Just allow me this small ray of hope. Don't take it away from me by saying I shouldn't do that."

With a sudden rush, Yuri's body was filled by an overflowing heat. More than his confession, Otabek's pained but determined face made the Russian realize how much the Kazakh loved him. He felt the stream of sweet golden honey running through his veins into the smallest vessel, convincing even the last doubting part with its warmth and tenderness.

Taking two deep breaths, Yuri reached out for Otabek's hand, loosening its tight grip around his wrist. The Kazakh's gaze was following Yuri's movements in disbelief. Slowly stroking over his fingers, the Russian felt how much the other skater was trembling. It was odd to see Otabek like that. He has never been insecure or afraid, but now he looked like Yuri was his executioner.

For a while, Yuri didn’t say anything. He just kept caressing the other's skin. It calmed him and allowed him to reflect whether the things he was about to say were stupid or not.

"It's okay, if you wait." He finally whispered. His head was turned down, concentrating on their hands, but he could feel Otabek's gaze on him.

"I don't know how much time I’ll need. I don't know how long it'll take for me to trust you again. But if you wanna waste your time waiting, it's fine by me." He intertwined their fingers, waiting for a reaction from the Kazakh. Only cautiously, he latter raised their hands to his mouth, placing a soft kiss on Yuri's hand.

"Waiting for you has never been a waste of time."


	35. Reconnect

„Are you sure you want to do this, Yurio?” Victor’s voice was a bit louder than usual, revealing his disapproval. “After all what he’s done to you, you want to move back in with him? If it’s because of us, you don’t need to worry. We are happy to help you and we don’t mind our guest room being taken by you.”

For more than half an hour, Victor has been reasoning Yuri into staying. After talking to Otabek, the Russian had decided that he wanted to give him and Otabek the chance to find their ways back together. Only sitting next to each other had felt incredibly soothing, like every needle that had picked into Yuri’s heart had been pulled out piece by piece. Besides the slightly awkward atmosphere, because both of them had been insecure and especially the Kazakh had obviously feared to say just one wrong word, the blond skater had really missed being so close to his friend. Otabek still was the one he loved, so he would lie if he denied that it had felt anything but amazing when he had confessed. Sure, they needed time, but keeping his distance wouldn’t help mending the scars they had scratched into each other’s hearts.

On the way back to Victor and Yuuri, the Russian had been thinking about what had just happened and what he was going to do. Otabek had offered to drive him, but the younger skater had needed the fresh air to make up his mind. He had already made his decision when he had knocked on his friends’ door, but when the Japanese opened the door, his hair ruffled and his cheeks beet-reed, Yuri’s choice was clear. Without leaving a comment, he had walked into the guest room. Now, he was packing his things under the watchful eyes of Potya who sat on the bed following his master running around the room looking for his stuff. After a while, Victor appeared in the doorframe asking him what he was about to do.

“It doesn’t look like you’re cleaning up, although I would really appreciate if you did.”

“I’m packing.”

“But there’s more than a week left until we leave for Japan.”

“I’m not packing because of the championship. I’m returning home.”

“You’ll do what?” Yuri looked up from his bag he was shoving clothes into. Victor’s eyes were widened in shock and every expression had fallen from his face.

“I’m returning home.”

“But why? Isn’t Otabek still living there?”

“Yup.” Yuri tried to evade the topic, because he was sure Victor wouldn’t be happy about it. Sometimes he acted more like his father than his actual begetter. He wanted the best for Yuri, that was certain, yet he was too persistent.

“Yuuri!” Victor’s shout echoed from the walls. “Yurio wants to return to that asshole!”

The Russian didn’t even finish rolling his eyes when Yuuri came running over from the kitchen.

“He’ll do what?”

“He says he wants to go back home, although that idiot is still living there!”

“Does he force you?” the Japanese turned to Yuri, looking quite concerned.

“No.”

“Then why would you go back?” Victor asked.

Yuri sighed. “We talked and I decided to give him and us the chance to settle this thing.”

“But what will happen if your conditions worsens again? It took you months to get over it and now, after only a few weeks of finally being better, you want to risk everything for something that jerk has said?”

“I’m sure Otabek won’t let this happen again. And would you mind stop insulting him with every sentence. That’s more like my thing.”

“Why should he? He was the reason that made you sick in the first place.” Just like that, Victor went on and on visualizing the last few months to remind Yuri what he has been going through. The Russian tried to remain calm, but slowly Victor went too far. “There’s no way we’ll allow this. I really don’t understand…”

“Right, you don’t understand.” Yuri had reached his limit. He got up from the floor and walked right up to Victor. “I really appreciate your concerns and worries about me and I’m more than thankful for everything that you’ve been doing for me the last months. Really, I can’t thank you enough for being there for me, because without you, I probably wouldn’t have made it. But you have no idea what has been happening between the two of us. You don’t know what he did and neither do you know that half of this has been my own fault. Sure, Beka has done a lot of things wrong but so did I. He meant it well and I believe him.”

“But…” Victor started again, but his husband’s hand on his shoulder made him stop. Yuuri had a soft smile on his face, looking at Yuri who was pretty surprised by his intervention.

“Let him go. He knows what he’s doing.”

“Don’t you think that he’ll just get hurt again? Why don’t you…?”

“We can’t hide him here forever and I’m pretty sure that he has a real good reason to return home.” Pushing a furious but defeated Victor out of the room he turned to Yuri again. “You haven’t called him this way for a long time.” He smiled mysteriously and closed the door behind him, leaving behind a confused and slightly blushing young skater.

 

About an hour later, Yuri was sitting in Victor’s car. After a long talk with his husband, the Russian had hesitantly accepted to let Yuri return to his own apartment.

“But only if I drive you there,” he had added.

Now, the three of them and Potya were sitting in the car. The sun had set a few hours ago, but the atmosphere in the car was still colder than the air outside. None of them dared to say a word. It was really uncomfortable to watch Victor staring down the front window, but Yuri was glad he had stopped raging. The Russian understood very well that he only wanted the best for him and he was really thankful for that, yet it still was Yuri’s decision to make. Watching other cars and the streets lamps go by, he tried to imagine how it would be like, living with Otabek again. How much time would they need to get used to each other again? Would it ever be like before all of this had happened? They only had about two weeks until they would leave for the World Championship and right afterwards, Yuri would go to Germany. Of course, he was still excited to go there, but since Otabek had confessed to him, his anticipation had decreased a little. Although he tried not to put to much weight on it, Yuri knew deep inside that his decision to fully move to Munich would not only depend on his compatibility with Wertmann, but also on how his feelings would change during the following weeks together with Otabek.

Suddenly, the car stopped and Yuri noticed that they had reached their destination. He got out off the vehicle and wanted to get his bags from the trunk. Yet, he had reckoned without Victor who was already carrying both bags on his shoulders.

“You don’t need to carry them for me. I’ll take them. You already drove me here. Thanks, but you can leave.”

“No way.” The expression on Victor’s face didn’t allow any backtalk. “We will accompany you.”

When he had left the apartment earlier, he hadn’t decided if he would move back, so Otabek would probably be more than surprised to see him again so soon. Now, he came with Victor and Yuuri in tow, so what would he think? And what would Victor do? Yuri was pretty sure he didn’t insist on accompanying him to do small talk. Slowly, he walked up the stairs, thinking of a way how to make Victor not eat the Kazakh alive. His last hope was Yuuri, who hopefully kept his husband under control. He put his key in the door lock and opened it hesitantly. When they got in, Otabek was nowhere to be seen and Yuri hoped that he had left to go shopping or running or anything that would make him stay out of the apartment long enough to miss Victor’s anger. Yet, luck wasn’t on his side, because after a few moments, the older skater opened the door of his room. Completely surprised, he stood still as if he wasn’t sure whether he was dreaming or not.

“I’m moving back in. I hope it’s alright with you.” Yuri said bluntly, trying to hide his trembling voice. Otabek had already told him that he wanted him to come back, but he was nervous about how he would react.

“Yeah, sure.” Otabek stumbled. He was obviously too confused to say anything and Yuri took the chance to take his bags away from Victor.

“See, I’m home now. Thanks for driving me. Have a good night you two.” He tied to shove Victor and Yuuri out of the door when the older Russian walked past him right towards the Kazakh.

“A word, please”. He didn’t even wait for an answer. He pushed Otabek into his room and closed the door behind them.

“Don’t worry. He won’t eat him. At least I hope so,” Yuuri tried to comfort him, “Let’s get your stuff into your closet again. I’ll help you.”

They had just emptied the second bag, when Otabek’s door opened again and Victor stepped out.

“And let me make it clear one last time. If you dare to hurt him again, I’ll make sure that the next Piroshki he eats is made out of you, okay? Yuuri, let’s go home. Makkachin is surely waiting for us.” He took his husband’s hand and dragged him out of the apartment.

The door fell shut with a loud bang that echoed in the silence they had left.

“I’m…I’m sorry. I hope he didn’t….” Yuri hoped that Victor didn’t pick too much on Otabek. The last thing he wanted was the Kazakh to draw back again after being shouted at and scolded by Victor.

“Don’t worry. I’m fine. I’m just glad that you are back.” His whole expression was so soft and so loving, a well-known heat filled Yuri’s face and he was pretty sure that he was blushing. Otabek smiled, but it was not a smirking one. He rather looked really happy about Yuri’s reaction. He turned around when he threw one last glance towards the Russian before he closed the door.

“Good night, Yura, and welcome back home.”


	36. Better Man

When Yuri got up the next morning, he felt incredibly rested but nervous at the same time. Sleeping in his own bed for the first time in more than a month had been great, but he was unsure about how to act when he saw Otabek which could happen anytime as soon as he walked out of his room. Last night, they hadn’t talked much after Victor and Yuuri had left, so Yuri was even more insecure. Would it be awkward being in the same room as Otabek? Would the latter try to keep his distance to make it easier Yuri him to get used to him again? Would Yuri be okay with that? Turning around to look at the ceiling the Russian tried to think about how he would like their life together to be from now on. If he was honest, he would like everything to be as it had been before they had started this weird relationship of being more than just friends. He wanted to have breakfast with Otabek, to watch movies at night. He wanted to have fun with him like they used to, but in order to do that, he would have to be close to him, talk to him. Although they had been truthful to each other, Yuri wasn’t sure if his body would accept Otabek’s apology as fast as his brain did. In the worst case, he would start feeling weaker again, maybe even start vomiting again and this was something Yuri wanted to avoid with all his power. Two weeks before the world championship, he mustn’t lose any of his strength and determination. His brain told him that his performance in Japan was the most important thing and the cause of why he had to take care of himself, yet Yuri knew that there was another reason why he needed to stay healthy. It would hurt Otabek a lot if the Russian was showing any signs of getting worse. He would surely blame himself. He wouldn’t leave Yuri a second time, but he would hate himself for asking his friend to come back home, leading him into getting sick again.

There was no doubt that Yuri still loved Otabek and as much he wanted to win this gold medal, he wanted the Kazakh to be happy. No, he wanted him by his side. He wanted them to be happy together, but Yuri also knew that he wasn’t ready for that yet. He loved Otabek, but his trust in him was still shattered and only time would be able to mend it. Both of them had been hurt enough, so small steps were the safest way to rebuild their friendship and everything on top. Yuri sighed. After not talking to anyone for about one and a half months, he felt like he had lost any social competence. If he ever had any. Otabek had been the only person besides his grandfather he had been comfortable talking with. He had told him anything, yet now, he didn’t even know what to say if he met him in the hallway.

The sound of his alarm clock made Yuri sigh once more. If he wanted to have breakfast before heading to practise, he needed to get up right now. Totally unmotivated, he threw his right leg out of the bed, then his left and then lifted his whole body up. His elbows resting on his knees, he rubbed his eyes and let out a loud yawn. Slowly, he walked through his room, kicking away the clothes he had worn yesterday and opened the door. The smell of coffee streamed inside. Curiously, he walked towards the kitchen when he heard Otabek’s voice.

“God, I never thought, I’d miss you so much.”

Trying to not make a sound, Yuri tip-toed through the living room and threw a glance into the kitchen.

Otabek was holding Potya in his arms, his nose buried in the cat’s fur.

“Thanks for taking care of Yuri when I wasn’t here. I know it was my fault, but I’ll try my best to do better this time.”

He let Potya hop from his arms and retrieved a pack of cat food from the cupboard. He put up his feeding dish and filled the small pieces of meat inside. Sitting down next to the car, he watched him emptying the bowl in no time.

“I’ll really miss you when you go to Germany with him. I know he needs you more than I. I really envy you. I…”

Yuri coughed silently and Otabek lifted his gaze. At first, he looked surprised, but then a smile formed on his face.

“Good morning, Yuri.”

“Morning.” The Russian yawned again. “What’s smelling so good?”

“Oh, I made some porridge. Do you want some?”

Hesitantly, Yuri walked into the kitchen, peering into the pan on the stove in which deliciously looking, fluffy clouds of white and caramel-brown were just waiting to be eaten. His stomach rumbled only by looking at it, yet the Russian wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to stay in the kitchen with Otabek. His original plan had been to take a short shower, eat something and then get ready for practise without talking to the Kazakh. He didn’t want to avoid him in particular. It was more like he was so nervous and unsure of what to say that he rather postponed their next meeting. On the other hand, escaping the situation by running to and hiding in the bathroom would be as, if not even more, weird.

“Sure, thanks.” Yuri sat down on the small table and Otabek handed him a bowl of porridge with blueberries and small pieces of apple.

“Coffee?”

“Mhm..”

While Yuri started stuffing his tasty breakfast into his mouth, the Kazakh placed a cup of hot steaming black coffee in front of him. The silence that filled the room was really uncomfortable. The blond skater tried to hide himself behind the large bowl, but it didn’t shelter him from the awkwardness around them.

“So…,” Otabek tried to fill the quiet, “what’s your practise plan for today?”

“I’ll be with the witch until afternoon and if I can move afterwards, I’ll go to the rink. Lilia says I lost my elegance while I was…sick… So she forces me to go to her studio every other day. She would have made sleep there, if Yakov didn’t tell her that I needed the practise on the ice more than learning how to stand correctly.”

When he had mentioned his absence from training, Otabek had accidently dropped his spoon, but after he had finished, the Kazakh laughed.

“I bet she wasn’t happy about that.”

“Not at all. The two of them were quarrelling about it for half an hour until I asked them if they needed me to fight or if I could go home and do something more useful. Like watching the pig running around the apartment, while both his dumb husband and their walking carpet followed him everywhere. It’s not possible to be in a room on your own in this household. I wonder how they don’t get mad in there. Well…if you look at it from an outsider’s perspective, their decision to marry each other wasn’t to most sane anyways.”

“I assume they weren’t happy about you saying this either.”

“No. They were shouting at me for another 15 minutes until they agreed on me being not sincere enough, that I wouldn’t win a medal this way and if I wanted to be successful I had to train a lot more. When they finally made up a plan of when I was supposed to be where, I had stopped looking at my watch and started watching old videos of Potya instead.”

Yuri dared to look up from his porridge, when Otabek’s warm laugh filled the room. It was the first time he saw a real, non-forced smile in months and to see him so carefree and relaxed filled Yuri with a comfortable warmth. Otabek’s smile was still one of the most beautiful things he had ever seen and until now, he hadn’t even noticed how much he had missed seeing it. Before he could start blushing, Yuri tried to keep their conversation going. Once they had started talking with each other more or less, the lighter the atmosphere got and the easier it was to be here with the other skater. It even felt a little like nothing had happened between them.

“And what’s your plan?”

“I’ll go for a run after I did the laundry and then I’ll head to the rink as well.” Otabek got up, took his and Yuri’s empty bowl and put it into the dishwasher. “So I guess I’ll see you there,” he smiled when he walked out of the kitchen.

“Yeah, I guess so,” Yuri murmured into his cup of coffee.

 

Yuri’s training has been exhausting, but when he got off the shower he felt totally pleased with himself. He still was a little nervous if his involuntary break would make him struggle during the competition, but he was on a good way to get to his usual form. Especially today, Lilia had been pleased with his performance. Well…saying she was please was maybe a bit overexaggerating. Lilia was never pleased, she had rather approved his movements. She had even spared him the second half of the latest stretching routine she had created for him after he had started training again.

Also, seeing Otabek at the rink hadn’t been as awkward as he had imagined. When he had entered the stadium, the Kazakh had smiled at him as soon as he had noticed him, but after Yuri had stepped on the ice, both had concentrated on themselves. The Kazakh had left quite some time before him, so they had been able to elude the embarrassing situation of showering together. As much as the Russian was willing to get their relationship to work again, he wasn’t ready yet to see Otabek that way. Being aroused by the memories of their nights together, evoked by watching little drips of water running down his well-shaped body, probably wasn’t the best way to ignore this part of their former relationship. Yuri needed to learn to trust Otabek again and to get used to him being around again. So he had made a simple plan he wanted to stick to at all costs. First, they needed to rebuild their friendship. Then or meanwhile, Yuri would go to Germany. Depending on his decision whether to train there or not, they would have more time to strengthen their relationship and THEN, and just then, he could take care of anything on top of that.

Yuri took his back and left the stadium. It was already dark outside, but it wasn’t as cold as one might have predicted for this season. It had been surprisingly warm the whole day and although it had cooled down by now, the smell of spring still filled the air. The Russian closed his eyes and took a deep breath in. This was probably the first time today that he had time to relax a little. A crackling sound, however, made him open his eyes again.

“Sorry, I didn’t want to scare you.”

“Otabek?” Yuri was surprised. “What are you still doing here? I though you finished about half an hour ago.”

The Kazakh’s hand were tucked into the pockets of his jacket and he seemed to be a little nervous, maybe even shy.

“I thought…I wanted to wait for you so we could take the bus home together.”

The Russian looked at him with widened eyes. Had he really been waiting for more than 30 minutes, just to ride the bus with him?

“I’m sorry. I thought that this was a dumb idea. I didn’t want to pressure you in any way.”

Was it allowed to look this adorable? The way Otabek tried to evade his eyes, facing the ground was so cute, Yuri just had to smile. Some people could think that it was a bit straight forward to spent so much time together, right after moving back together again, but those people didn’t know how much Yuri hated public transport. Just the imagination of being pressed against sweating and stinking strangers made him sick. So back when everything had been normal, Otabek had either taken him to the rink by his motorbike or Yuri would have used the extra miles of running to work out. But today, his body was so drained, even the lightest pearl of sweat would force him to his knees.

“There’s no need to apologize,” he whispered and walked closer to the Kazakh, “thanks for waiting for me.”


	37. Meet You There

When the bus finally arrived, Yuri was more than thankful that Otabek had waited for him. To say it was packed was a complete understatement. Squeezing inside, Yuri tried not to be squashed by the doors while the Kazakh did his best to shelter him from the other people who were sweating and smelling, the only signs that they had worked hard throughout the day. It was impossible to breathe, if one had managed to raise their chest without touching anybody. Public transport during rush hours was Yuri’s absolute horror. He already hated people when they were far away, but packed and pressed together like sardines was a pure nightmare. Their smell, their skin on his, their voices in his ear filled his body with disgust and more than once he had been close to throwing up. In this situation, he was glad that it was mostly Otabek he was pressed against. Surely, he had wanted to keep his distance for a while, but at least, the Kazakh was somebody he knew, somebody he liked. He smelled great. A bit nostalgic maybe, but like home and comfort and as they were standing so close that Yuri felt his friend’s chest touching his own as he breathed, he allowed himself to rest his head against the firm muscles. He knew he shouldn’t. It was too early to initiate any kind of body contact and furthermore, he shouldn’t get used to this. In only two and a half weeks, he would be thousands of miles away. Yuri knew that this was stupid, yet it felt amazing, a warm bubbly sensation shooting through his body from where they touched. It was a bit like coming home after a long hard day and the couch, a cup of hot chocolate and Potya were already waiting for him. For just a second, he granted himself to close his eyes and imagine what life could be like if their relationship wouldn’t be so fucked up.

An abrupt braking made him stumble and fall against the bus door, hitting his head against the pane. Angrily mumbling and cautiously rubbing the aching spot, Yuri tried to turn around and get more space, when suddenly the doors opened and even more people tried to squeeze into the already packed bus. The Russian heard a loud sigh behind him and a second later, Otabek had taken his hand and pulled him outside, through the crowd that shoved into the free space like water flooding into a lake after the sluices had been opened. Quite a bit surprised and disoriented, Yuri looked towards Otabek who was slightly panting. Raising his eyebrows, the Russian signified his friend that he was waiting for an explanation.

“Sorry, it was so full…I know you much you hate those crowed busses and when I saw so many people waiting at the station, I decided it was the best to get off. It’s just one more stop, so I thought that we could also walk the distance. It’s still nice outside and it would be a shame missing one of the first days of spring.”

For quite a while, Yuri didn’t know what to say. Although he didn’t like other people making decisions for him, he was touched by Otabek’s consideration and of course, it hadn’t been a stupid idea at all. If only one of the sweaty pig that had entered the bus had touched his bare skin by accident, Yuri would have vomited or started a rampage. Otabek could have easily stayed inside. He didn’t like being squeezed in a stuffy car, too – well, who would like that? – but with only one station left, he could have stayed on the bus, close his eyes and wait for it to be over. Instead, he had noticed how bad Yuri had been feeling and once more, he had taken care of him by making the best decision in this situation. Why did Yuri only notice right now, how often Otabek had kept an eye on him, taking actions to make him feel better or safe him from trouble. Just thinking about all the times the Kazakh had drawn Yuri’s anger on him just to rescue him from provoking his coaches or strangers, the Russian’s heart began to beat faster. How often had Otabek cheered him up when he had been upset or exhausted by showing him his latest remixes or brining him a cup hot chocolate? And then, there was this one time when Yuri had been sick and Otabek had even refused to head to practise just to sit next to him on the coach, watching all of his favourite movies over and over again, while Yuri had been dozing off every once in a while. The Kazakh put so much thought in everything that concerned him and the blond skater felt like a fool for realizing this just now.

Yuri stopped walking, closed his eyes, pressing his fingers against the top of his nose. Slightly shaking his head, he tried to understand how stupid he had been all the time. Looking back, there had never been the slightest sign that Otabek didn’t care for him. On the contrary, with every word, with every touch, he looked after him, concerned about his well-being and happiness. For a second, Yuri felt like hitting his head against the street lamp to his right. Maybe the pain would punish him for his stupidity and at the same time calm down those bubbly feelings that crept up his chest again.

“Are you alright?” Otabek’s soft voice made him open his eyes again. Not the best idea as he directly caught the Kazakh’s worried look. He should really be forbidden to look like that or Yuri would never be able to calm his heart beat down.

“Yeah…sure…Walking’s a great idea. One more second in there and I would have killed someone.”

For a second, Otabek examined him, but then he seemed to decide that it was no use asking Yuri about his behaviour. Instead, he smiled and continued their way home, the Russian following him.

Walking next to each other in silence wasn’t as uncomfortable as Yuri had thought. On the contrary, it was quite soothing. Like always, the Kazakh emitted a calmness that always surrounded him and that Yuri had been addicted to from the first minute. Breathing it in with every step, the tranquillity wandered from his lunges over his stomach, untying the knot that had build up during that horrible bus ride, into every little inch of him until even his aching feet felt incredibly relaxed. Yuri realized how much he had missed this during the time they had been separated. Regarding how much he was at ease right now, although he had been practising all day, made him wonder how he had been able to stand them being apart for such a long time.

_‘You didn’t. Your body was acting as if you were in rehab from the moment he left you.’_

Shaking away the thoughts and implications that came up with that realization, Yuri just tried to soak the atmosphere around them in as much as he could, refilling his cells with that cooling sense of calmness.

Faster than he had noticed, they had reached their apartment and Yuri didn’t want anything more than fall into his bed.

“I’m out for today,” he mumbled, throwing his bag down in the hallway, walking towards his room, “G’night.”

“You’re not going to eat anything?”

Yuri turned around slightly confused. “Uhm?”

“I mean…I bet you haven’t eaten anything since breakfast. As I know you, you hurried from Lilia right to the rink, forgetting that your body needs nutrition to keep up with all the stress you putting it through.”

Otabek was examining him with a raised eyebrow and Yuri couldn’t do anything else but smile.

“I’ll eat tomorrow. I just want to go to bed now.”

Just before he could close his door, Otabek had reached out for him, the grip around his arm sending goose bumps all over the Russian’s body. As fast as he had touched him, he had drawn back his hand again, scratching his neck embarrassedly.

“Sorry…I…You really should eat something, Yura. Your strength is just coming back and you really shouldn’t risk losing it again. Let’s make a deal. You put on something more comfortable, while I heat up some leftovers. In the meantime, we can watch an episode of ‘American Horror Story’ if you want to. You missed quite a lot, when you…,” Otabek stopped, turning his gaze away, “I recorded all of them, so we can catch up little by little. What do you think?”

“If I fall I asleep on the coach I expect you to carry me to my bed. And don’t you dare to wake me up!”

“Sure, in my arms, you’ll sleep like a baby.”


	38. Valentine

The following weeks had passed faster than Yuri had noticed. Before he had realized he was sitting on his suitcase in the hallway, waiting for Victor and Yuuri to arrive and take him and Otabek to the airport to leave for Japan. Of course, the old man and his pig were late as usual. They had surely forgotten the time, doing disgusting things on their sofa. Or maybe they had needed hours to say good-bye to their fury carpet. When Potya walked passed him, he lifted his cat up and buried his nose in his soft fur.

“I’m going to miss you so much. I will think of you every day and if I find out that Nadja wasn’t nice to you, I’ll make her suffer, okay?”

Nadja was a neighbour who was living with her husband one floor below them. She had agreed to take care of Potya as long as Otabek and Yuri were in Saitama since she owned a cat herself. It had been the Kazakh to ask her and the blond skater had wondered how he had gotten to know her since they didn’t usually get in contact with the other people living in this house. Yet, he had been happy to know that someone who was used to cats would look after his precious tiger. Of course, Yuri had been suspicious about her at first, but as soon as he had met her two beautiful Bengal cats, he had come to like her.

“Guess, he’ll miss you, too. I bet this will be the longest time you have been separated from him, won’t it?”

Yuri hadn’t noticed that Otabek was standing behind him, carrying a soft smile on his face.

“Yeah, I think so, too. I never left him for more than a week and now I’ll be away from him for 24 days.”

“You actually counted the days?” Otabek raised his eyebrows and his voice was supposed to be mocking, but Yuri noticed the hint of a tremble and the glimpse of sadness in his eyes.

The past days, they hadn’t talked about what would happen to them after the World Championship, what would become of them when Yuri would leave for Germany. The uncertainty of whether the Russian would come back to Saint Petersburg or stay there had definitely been hovering over them all the time, but both of them had ignored that dark cloud. Yet, it was obvious how much Otabek liked him and that he wanted him to stay in Russian, although he would never say it out loud. He wanted Yuri to be happy, that was something the blond skater had learnt during the last weeks, even if it meant for himself to be hurt. The way he looked at him, how he softly smiled at him, how he had his eyes on him even when he thought Yuri wouldn’t notice, had made Yuri realized the honesty of his feelings. Still, he hadn’t decided on how he felt about the Kazakh and how he wanted to continue their relationship.

The past days had been a lot different from what he had expected them to be. He had predicted that it would be awkward, both of them dancing around each other trying not to say anything indecent. But much to his surprise after only three days, living together had been a lot like before. Talking and interacting with Otabek had easily become natural for him. More than once, he had even forgotten what had happened between them. One the other hand, however, he had become a lot more aware of the little cute gestures Otabek treated him with and Yuri would lie if he said that he hadn’t enjoyed every single one of them. The Kazakh had done such things before, but the blond skater was sure that the increase of courtesies was a nice tactic to reminded Yuri of his boyfriend qualities. And it worked. More than the Russian liked to admit.

Being woken up by the smell of his favourite food, wrapping his arms around Otabek’s waist while driving to the rink on his motorbike, seeing the Kazakh’s encouraging and loving smile every time he practised his programmes. One time, Otabek had even carried him into his bed after the Russian had fallen asleep on the sofa. Yuri only had woken up for a short moment, when he had pulled his blanked over his body and placed a gentle kiss on his head. All of those little things made his heart thaw, warm up and start pounding heavily against his chest whenever he looked at him.

“Yes, I did. So what? Is it a crime to be heart broken, because I have to leave my precious little baby to the hands of a stranger and an incapable idiot?”

“You call me incapable?” Otabek laughed. “May I remind you of the time when you…”

Just in time, before Yuri was reminded of that one time when he had been so tired in the morning, he had served Potya milk and cereals in his feeding dish, while eating the cat’s wet food until Otabek had entered the kitchen, nearly collapsing from laughing before he had saved Potya from poisoning, the doorbell rang.

“Thank god, they’re here. Took them long enough.”

Yuri got up from his suitcase and opened the door for Victor and Yuuri. While the Japanese smiled at them, Victor threw himself at Yuri, wrapping his arms tightly around him.

“Are you ready for the big journey?”

“I would be, if you don’t strangle be beforehand.” Yuri mumbled against Victor’s coat and freed himself from the other’s hug. Since he had moved out of their guest room, his friends had become even more touchy than before, just that Yuuri was better in hiding his concern and affection.

“So, have you guys everything ready?” Yuuri asked.

Yuri and Otabek both nodded. The Russian noted that Victor examined the Kazakh closely, but luckily, he kept his thoughts to himself. Whenever they had met during the last two weeks, Victor had been more than cold towards Otabek, showing his disapproval with every gesture. That was also the reason why he hadn’t been too happy when Yuri had asked him if Otabek could join them when they got to the airport. It had been thanks to his husband, that the former skater had accepted the request, yet not without calling the Kazakh names.

“Great, let’s get going.”

 

 

The drive to the airport had been as awkward as Yuri had expected it to be. None of them had dared to say a word for the first fifteen minutes until Yuuri had tried to lighten the atmosphere with small talk which had only worked a little. After fifty-three long minutes, they had all been glad to finally get off the car. Waiting for a plane was something Yuri was more than used to and although he hated to waste time sitting around, he had developed a special habit to make the time pass faster – playing videogames. Especially during the competitive season, he had no time to play at all and if he had time, he was to tired. That was why he had come to like these hours at the airport. Sitting down on a bench next to Otabek in front of their gate, he pulled out his Nintendo DS.

“What are you playing there?” Otabek leant over his shoulder to get a look at the screen.

“Hyrule Warriors.”

“And what are you supposed to do?”

“Slash as many enemies as you can.”

“Sounds like the perfect game for you,” he chuckled and the sound of his warm voice right next to his ear sent shivers through Yuri’s body.

With Otabek watching him over his shoulder, asking about special features of the game every now and then, it didn't feel like an eternity until they were allowed to go on board. Yuri sat down in the back of the plane next to the window with Victor and Yuuri one row, Mila and Georgi two rows in front of them and Yakov and Lilia on the other side of the aisle. He forced himself to continue watching the taxi as Otabek stowing his bag above their heads and sat down next to him. Watching his t-shirt moving up as he stretched to reach the overhead, seeing the thin but well-visible lines that lead from his hips to his lower areas was definitely not good for his heart. The reason that they had decided to be sit bodkin for hours was that they had bought their tickets months in advance, so back then, it had been natural for them to get the seats next to each other. Although the Russian was used to sit next to him as they had spent most of their evenings on the sofa together, a tickling, nervous excitement filled his body and Yuri noticed how his fingers started trembling. But before he could think more about how nervous he was, the Kazakh threw something on this lap and Yuri looked down. A pair of his favourite leopard print cosy socks lay there. He raised his head and turned towards his friend who pulled his earphones out of his pockets and plugged them into his phone.

"Thought you'd forget them like always," he answered to Yuri's questioning face.

How could such small gestures have such a huge impact on him, the Russian asked himself when his heart started racing.

"Thanks," he mumbled, turning towards the window again to hide his face which felt a lot hotter than usual.

He stayed like that until they had departed and Yuri looked down on the landscape that rather reminded him of a huge ugly patchwork blanket. He bend down and put on the fluffy socks. It still sucked to be on the plane for hours, but now, he felt at least a little more comfortable.

"Want to listen to a new band I found?" The Russian looked at the earphone that Otabek handed him. He just took it and put them in. Distorted guitars and a double bass drum roared into his ear and Yuri smiled. The Kazakh's taste of music was special, yet he loved it. In general, his friend had greatly influenced his own preferences.

"Not bad," he said after a few songs, but he didn't get a reaction. He turned to his side and smiled. Otabek was fast asleep. Yuri really envied him for his ability to sleep on airplanes. While the Russian could sleep nearly everywhere, planes where the only place he was forced to stay awake and get bored. Yes, he could continue playing his game, but he got sick every time he had tried to do so in the past, so he rather left his console in his bag pack. He looked out of the window again, when he suddenly felt a heavy weight on his shoulder. Yuri wasn’t able to move his head to the side. Otabek must have moved unconsciously and now, he didn’t make the slightest appearance that he would change his position again. Instantly, his heart began to race and of course, he was panicking. First of all, this was way too much body contact for him right now. Then, he had no idea what to do and how to feel about this. Yet the worst thing was, that it was kind of calming, feeling the other boy’s body raise and sink slowly with his steady breath. The heat he sent out sheltered Yuri from the cold air conditioner and furthermore, it felt just heart-warming that Otabek was sleeping on him. The Russian knew that he shouldn’t feel so happy about this, making him panic even more, yet a small smile slipped on his face as he placed a soft kiss on Otabek’s head and closed the eyes, letting the loud music in his ear drive away the thoughts of doubt and question.


	39. Airplanes

Yuri was woken up by someone fondling his hair. He opened his eyes slowly and noticed that they were still on the airplane. The only thing different from when he had closed his eyes was that everybody was standing, packing their stuff and getting their luggage from the boxes above their seats. Yuri turned his head to his side and met the smiling face of Otabek.

“Good morning, sleeping beauty.”

“Moorrn…” the rest of Yuri’s words were swallowed up by a loud yawn.

Otabek’s chuckle sent a well-known shiver through Yuri’s body and he turned towards the window to his right, hiding the blush that appeared on his cheeks.

“Ah! Our precious fairy has decided to join the living!” Mila laughed from her seat two rows in front of them.

“It’s uncommon for our little tiger to sleep during a flight! What did you give him, Otabek? I want some of that, too!” Georgi shouted through the plane.

“Since when do you have trouble sleeping?” Mila asked him.

“Not for me. If your little tiger over there won’t stop shouting at me in the future, I can mix some into his drink. He can be so cute when he’s totally cuddled up against the shoulder of his hero.”

Even Yakov on the other side of the hallway started grinning, only increasing Yuri’s anger. Much to his own surprise he had been sleeping pretty good leaning against Otabek’s shoulder and usually, this wouldn’t be something he’d be embarrassed of. Yet, their relationship was still complicated and Yuri just got used to his friend’s closeness again. So falling asleep, cuddled up with him hadn’t exactly been what he had been planning to do. Although…it had been Otabek who had rested his head on his shoulder first. Yuri felt how his head was turning even redder than before. To know that everybody had watched them in such an intimate moment didn’t really relax the situation. A bit overwhelmed, he started doing what he did best.

“If you call me ‘little tiger’ one more time, Georgi, I swear I’ll tear you into pieces.”

“Awww, our kitten is getting angry. Help! A cute furry ball is going to nibble on my ring finger!” Georgi shouted in a highly-pitched disguised voice.

“You! Just wait! Nobody’s going to save an ugly princess like you!”

Yuri attempted to climb on his seat to lean over Victor’s head in front of him to reach out for the other skater when he felt a soft touch in his arm. He turned his head down to his left and recognized that it was Otabek’s hand which was gently holding him back.

“Let them be, Yura,” he whispered in a calm and deep voice. Having no control over his body, Yuri sat down, obeying Otabek without hesitating for a second. What made him so submissive just hearing the Kazakh saying his name? Yet, it wasn’t only hearing his name that made his mind go blank, it was the calmness and the soothing effect of Otabek’s voice that made his anger puff out. The touch of the Kazakh’s hand had only lasted a few moments, but Yuri was still able to sense the hot marks he had left on his skin. The fingerprints imprinted on his arm were tingling, burning and the Russian unconsciously caressed the places where Otabek’s fingers had touched him. Totally mesmerized by the warm, bubbly sensation that originated from his arm and flooded his body, Yuri only looked up when he felt an unpleasant gaze on him. He rose his head and met Victor’s eyes that were examining him and Otabek unapprovingly.

“You better get your stuff, too. We’ve been stuffed in here long enough.”

Victor’s voice mirrored his indignation of Yuri and Otabek sitting next to each other. Also, the look he threw at Otabek before he turned away, retrieving his bag from the overhead shelf, showed more than clearly that he hadn’t forgiven the Kazakh, although he also had witnessed Otabek’s efforts to care for Yuri during the last weeks. From the corner of his eye, Yuri noticed that Otabek had turned down his head, staring at some point on the floor above his feet. Suddenly, the Russian felt the overwhelming urge to reach out for his friend, to show him that he shouldn’t take Victor’s behaviour to heart too much. Slowly, he reached out for his friend’s arm. His gesture, however, resembled rather a poke than a caress. Otabek rose his head and looked at Yuri confusedly.

“Ehm…I just…” Instantly, the Russian turned red like a beet root again. Why was he behaving like a little school girl, talking to their crush first time in their life? For the last two weeks, he had been able to talk to Otabek like a normal human being, but now, his voice was giving in, his brain forgot how to build sentences and his hands were trembling. Taking a deep breath, hoping that this would calm him down a little, Yuri was ready to say something, when Yuuri in front of them turned around, too.

“You two should really get your stuff, too. Most people in front of us already left the plane.” He smiled and got up, trying to get his bag from the overhead, too,  but he was too small, so Victor had to help him. The moment between Yuri and Otabek, however, was destroyed now and the Russian did his best to follow Yuuri’s instructions. He put off his cosy socks and put them into the backpack he had stuffed under the seat in front of him. Although he wasn’t facing the Kazakh, he could feel his eyes on his back, signalising that he was still waiting for what Yuri had wanted to say.

“Don’t take Victor too seriously,” he mumbled in to his lap as he bend forward to put on his shoes, “he might be mad at you and he doesn’t trust you, but I do, so you don’t have to mind him.”

Yuri sat upright again and wanted to get up when he noticed that Otabek was still sitting in his seat, not moving at all.

“Otabek?”

No reaction. The Russian bend down so he was closer to his face. “Beka?” he whispered and finally, Otabek started moving, blushing like a tomato. Yuri rose his eyebrows questioningly. The Kazakh, however, just shook his head and got up himself. What had shocked his friend so much that he had been unable to move? While walking down the hallway of the plane and leaving the terminal through more and more hallways until he reached the baggage conveyor belts, he tried to figure out what he had said.

‘Don’t take Victor too seriously. He might not trust you, but I do.’

Suddenly he stopped walking, making Mila, who had been walking behind him, ran into his back.

“What’s wrong with you? Why did you stop?” she asked him, but Yuri was unable to answer.

Without intending it, he had admitted to Otabek that he had started trusting him again. Burying his face in his hands, the Russian tried to understand how these words could have slipped out of his mouth. He hadn’t been lying. It was true that only these two weeks had been enough for him to trust Otabek again, but up until now, he hadn’t been aware of that himself. One more time, Yuri realized how deep and all-embracing his feelings for Otabek were. Right from his heart, thousands of butterflies started spreading through his body, making his head light and his legs trembling with the tingling touch of their wings.

“Yurio? Are you alright?” Mila’s hand on his shoulder brought him back to reality.

“I’m hopeless,” he whispered into his hands.

“Yes, you are,” the girl next to him laughed, “but I guess, there is someone who’s worse than you are.”

Yuri rose his head and his eyes caught Otabek’s back as the Kazakh was talking to Lilia while waiting for their luggage to arrive. Just a second later, he turned around and looked into Yuri’s eyes. He smiled and the Russian was sure that if he died from a heart attack just nowx, it would be the sweetest death ever.


	40. Out of My Limit

Lying in his hotel bed while staring at the ceiling, Yuri was sure that he had never been this nervous before a competition. The two days of official training had passed by easily and although he had been able to go through his choreographies nearly flawlessly, Yuri has been lying awake for hours. It was the night before the Short Programme. He had been wearing a mask of confidence the whole day, but the façade has crumble with every hour the night had come closer. Now, his head full of ‘ifs’ and doubts, he was constantly reminding himself of his involuntary break. What if he wasn’t able to perform like usual? What if his body was still not strong enough to handle the stress and the nerve-wrecking excitement? What would people think if he wasn’t scoring as high as usual? Tossing and turning, he tried to push all these thoughts away to finally get some sleep. He had already given every domestic remedy and all the other ideas to make him fall asleep a try – obviously unsuccessfully. He had been counting tigers, massaging his wrist as they did in acupressure, he had tried to watch videos or listen to an audio book, yet nothing seemed to help. For more than an hour now, he was skimming through his phone, looking at old photos or scrolling through old conversations.

Whenever he opened his messenger, his eyes fell on his chat with Otabek. It was more than tempting to send him a message and ask him to come over. His nap on the plane had shown him quite plainly that there was nothing and no one that could calm him down as fast as the Kazakh. Several times, Yuri had already opened the chat, but before he could type a message, he had closed it again. Firstly, his friend should be resting as much as him and although he had been online a few minutes ago, Yuri was supposed to disturb him. But even if Otabek would be as sleepless as Yuri, the Russian didn’t dare to write him. With every minute, however, the urge to see the Kazakh, to hear his soothing voice, began to grow, yet Yuri didn’t feel like he was allowed to ask his friend to help him. Because they were friends. Surely, before they had ruined their relationship they had called each other before all major competitions, so it wouldn’t be completely out of the usual. Still, Yuri felt uncomfortable thinking about him all the time while trying to keep his distance from Otabek in order to sort out his feelings, but at the same time, he longed for him and wanted ask him for his help. It wouldn’t be good for his heart, but the biggest reason he was hesitating to text his friend was that he didn’t want Otabek to think that he played with his feelings. Although he hadn’t confessed anymore since that day when Yuri had moved back in again, the Russian was well aware that the Kazakh loved him, he felt it in every little gesture. Trying to keep their relationship on a friendly basis, but calling him at night was inappropriate and reckless. Nevertheless, Yuri wished that Otabek would be next to him. Just listening to his regular breath when he was sleeping would be enough to put his brain to a rest.

Covering his eyes with his left arm, Yuri wondered how he should ever be able to live without Otabek by his side when he suddenly heard a cautious knock at his door. At first, he was sure that he had imagined it, but then another knock, a little louder than the last one, rapped on his door. The Russian got up from his bed slowly, tip-toeing to the door. He opened it just a bit in order to not that much light from the hallway flood into his room. His eyes got bigger when he realized who was standing in front of him.

“Beka?” he whispered in disbelief, “what are you doing here at this time?”

“Ehm…I’m…” Otabek scratched his neck, obviously being pretty nervous, “I saw that you were still online and I thought that you might not be able to sleep. So I wanted to check up if everything was alright with you. But now that I think about it, I guess this was a stupid idea. I should leave you alone to get the rest you need for tomorrow. I’m sorry for disturbing you.”

The Kazakh was already turning around to return to his own room next door, when Yuri gave a lurch and made a step forward, wrapping his arms tightly around Otabek’s waist, pressing himself to his back.

“Please, don’t go…,” he mumbled into the other’s bathrobe.

 

Both of them lay down on Yuri’s bed. The silence between them was a little awkward, but the Russian was happy he wasn’t alone anymore. They were staring at the ceiling for a while until Otabek broke the quiet.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Yuri knew exactly what he meant. He sighed and asked himself whether it was a good idea to allow himself to unfold his weakness in confiding into another person and sob his heart out on his shoulder. From the corner of his eye, he saw that Otabek had turned towards him, examining him worryingly and he realized that this person next to him was his best friend and the person he loved the most in the whole wide world. Telling him his fears and doubts wouldn’t make him weak, because Otabek would never allow him to feel weak.

“I’m just panicking, I guess. I have no idea what will happen tomorrow. I worked so hard to be here. I deserve to be here, yet I think that I might fail tomorrow. I haven’t trained enough. This break I took was too long. What happens if I don’t win gold this year, too? What will people think of me? What is going to happen to my career if I lose?”

With his last sentences, Yuri’s voice had become more quiet and a lot more shaky. He had closed his eyes in embarrassment, but he opened them when he felt two strong arms wrapped around him. Otabek pulled him close to his chest, one hand resting on the Russian’s back, the other one fondling his hair. Yuri clawed his fingers into his bathrobe and into his chest where the fabric had slid apart. Saying all those things out loud felt like getting them out of his head. Also, Otabek’s heart beat under his fingers was passing it’s slow rhythm onto Yuri’s. For a while, they didn’t move and the Russian closed his eyes, enjoying the warmth around his body and the other skater’s tight hug.

“As for me, I don’t care whether you win that gold medal again or not. I already know that you’re a fierce skater and just one setback won’t change anything about that. Just the fact that you are here, considering your break or not, is such an accomplishment. I know you don’t see it this way, but just look at how many good skaters are out there and count how many we will be competing against. Take this competition as a chance. Learn from yourself and all the other contestants. It doesn’t matter if you win or not, as long as you learn something, as long as you take this change to grow. I’ve been watching you for years, Yura, and I will continue to do so, no matter how you’ll score and I bet thousands of people will do so, too. Because they like you, not for your success but for your passion and determination. They love the way you skate and how you lose yourself in the music. That’s what draws them to you and not the hundredths medal on your wall. Don’t let the result of this competition define your worth. Just give your best as usual and I’ll assure you, no one will be able to take their eyes off you. I won’t take my eyes off you, I promise. And I’m sure, if you give your best, you’ll do great out there. I believe in you.”

All those words were mumbled into Yuri’s hair, but he heard every single one of them. After he had stopped, Otabek placed a soft kiss on the Russian’s head, making the latter blush even more. He moved back a little to be able to see the expression in the Kazakh’s face. The overflowing love that awaited him caught him slightly off-guard and overflooded his body with a tingling and sweet heat. Without thinking, he loosened his grip on Otabek’s bathrobe and let his hand wander into his hair behind his hear. Then, he raised his head and kissed the other skater.

If he had been feeling hot before, he was burning now. His blood felt like he had eaten to much of those sweets that left a sizzling feeling in one’s neck. Little fireworks exploded in every little vein, starting from where their lips touched to the last inch of his toes. He had totally forgotten how amazing it felt to kiss the person you loved, but then, he suddenly realized what he was doing. Slowly, he moved back and hid his face on Otabek’s chest again.

“I’m so sorry…I shouldn’t have…Not that I regret it, but…”

Otabek’s hand that had been resting on his back moved up to his chin and lifted his face, so he had to look the Kazakh in the eye.

“There’s nothing you need to apologize for,” he whispered and the smile he gave Yuri was so sincere and so happy at same time, it made the Russian’s heart skip a beat. “How about we try to sleep?”

Yuri nodded.

“Do you want me to stay?” he asked and Yuri noticed the insecurity in his question, although he tried his best to sound confident.

“Yes, please.” Although his words were hardly audible, Yuri knew that Otabek had heard them as he loosened his hug a bit to move into a more comfortable sleeping position. His right arm was still functioning as Yuri’s pillow and the other one was lightly wrapped around the Russian’s chest.

“Goodnight, Yura,” were the last words the blond skater heard before his eyes became incredibly heavy.


	41. Give It All

A knock on the door and somebody calling his name woke Yuri up. He needed a few moments to remember where he was. He was still in his hotel room in Saitama. Today was the day of the Short Program. Judging from how nervous he had been yesterday, he had expected his heart to start racing and his fingers to tremble, but nothing like that happened. Instead, he felt rested and refreshed, just as if he had compensated the sleep deficit he had built up during the last weeks in just one night. Yuri noticed how his chest began to burn and a well-known heat travelled up his neck right into his face, leaving him blushing beet red. He knew why he had been able to sleep like a baby. He knew who had calmed him down, encouraged him and made him relax when he had been so jittery, he couldn’t even close his eyes for a second. Turning to his side, Yuri was searching for Otabek, but he was nowhere to be seen. Although he had just been filled up with happiness, his chest suddenly felt heavy and hundreds of pointy needles started picking in to his heart until he remembered.

Sometime pretty early this morning, Yuri had been woken up by someone fondling his hair. Cautiously opening his eyes as the first rays of sunlight already crawled into the room, he recognized Otabek who was sitting beside him. When the Kazakh had noticed that he was awake, he smiled gently.

“Sorry, I didn’t want to wake you up.”

“What time is it?” Yuri mumbled.

“Half past six.”

“Urrrgg…,” Yuri moaned.

Otabek laughed and the warmth that reached out to Yuri’s ear filled his whole body, mixing with the comfortable sleepiness and the touch of his friend’s hand on his head.

“Go back to sleep. You’ll need it.”

He placed a soft kiss on the Russian’s head and got up from the bed. Yuri wanted to ask him where he was going, but before he could say anything, he had been falling asleep again.

Not waking up next to Otabek hurt more that he had imagined. It felt like something was missing, as if a certain ritual hadn’t been executed completely. Yuri closed his eyes and let his right hand rest on his chest. His heart was beating slowly yet every time it contracted, his whole body was convulsing in pain. This was why he didn’t want to let Otabek get too close to him so fast. That was why he wanted to keep his distance. He was still too vulnerable to handle even the slightest form of disappointment.

The knock his door reminded him of what had woken him up and Yuri got out of his bed and opened the door.

“Good morning, Yurio,” Victor shouted in his cheerful voice, “Breakfast will be over in half an hour, so I thought I’d better wake you up.”

“Why didn’t you just call me? It’s a pain to see your ugly early bird face.”

“I tried to, but you didn’t answer. Did you mute it before you went to bed? Anyways, get ready soon. Eating healthy in the morning is the key to a successful competition.”

With these words, he turned around and left Yuri alone again. The Russian was slightly confused. He never muted his phone before he went to sleep. This was a habit from when Otabek had still been living in Kazakhstan. They had been calling each other a lot back then, but due to the time lag, especially when they had been travelling, they went to sleep at different times. In order not to miss the other’s call, they had kept their phones’ sound on. That way they woke up as soon as the other one called. Wondering why he had muted his phone last night, Yuri threw himself on the bed again, reaching out for his phone on the night stand. In fact, someone had turned the sound off. But that wasn’t the most interesting thing. He had received a message from Otabek. Opening their chat he looked at the time stamp. 5:38 am. For a moment, Yuri hesitated. Was it a good idea to read the text? Wouldn’t it affect him even more, if the Kazakh had written something he didn’t want to read? Even though he should concentrate on the competition that would take place in a few hours, his thoughts had been focused on Otabek since he had noticed that he had left.

He had left him. Those words suddenly filled Yuri’s head. From his stomach, the Russian felt a cold, biting memory spready all over his body, leading all his muscles to tense. As if they had never been away, the dark and frozen hands made out of shadows reached out for him again to pull him into their open arms of despair. No! He wasn’t allowed not give in to those thoughts now! He needed to focus! In want of other options to distract him, Yuri picked up his phone again which had been falling out of his hands, and opened the chat again.

“Good morning, Yura. I’m sorry I had to leave you this early. I wished I could have woken up next to you, but I assumed it was better to leave your room before Victor would come to wake you up. Seeing me in your bed would have made him furious and I’m sure the both of you would have argued for hours and you need to save your energy for later. I just wanted to leave a short message so you don’t worry. I muted your phone, so you wouldn’t wake up from your ring tone. As I know you, you’ll be late for breakfast as always, so we won’t meet before our performances. If you start doubting again: Think about what I told you yesterday. I’ll give my best to be a worthy competitor of yours, so please do your best, too. But I’m sure you’ll do great anyways. I’m looking forward to see you skate. Davai!”

Yuri read the message over and over again until his phone fell on the mattress once more. His hands were trembling so much, he wasn’t able to hold on to it anymore. All his fears had been without any reason. Once more, Otabek had been considerate of him, taking care of him in advance to enable him to give his best when he needed to. Yuri let himself fall face forward on the bed. He wasn’t used to any other emotional state than anger, so going from relaxation to despair to happiness combined with the realization how madly in love he was with Otabek was exhausting enough for weeks. Trying to calm his heartbeat down, Yuri took some deep breaths. The butterflies that were running wild in his stomach needed to calm down or his legs would never support him again. Every beat of their wings in synch with the hammering of his heart sent shivers through his body. Although it was overwhelming to be filled with so much warmth and energy and a lot of other things Yuri couldn’t even describe, he was just happy. For the first time in weeks, Yuri was happy. Everything was going fine. Nothing had changed from yesterday. Otabek hadn’t left him and they were still friends. Or maybe a bit more than friends, who knew?

Well, thinking about it, the Russian had to admit that they were a lot more than friends. Like, would a “normal” friend come over to your room in the middle of the night before an important competition, just because they were worried about you? Probably. Would they encourage you, the greatest rival in this game, because you feel down? Maybe. But would he hold you in his arms until you fall asleep listening to his heartbeat? Unlikely. And then, suddenly, Yuri remembered something else that had happened last night. Something he hadn’t planned or imagined to happen any time soon. He had kissed Otabek.

Thousands of new thoughts exploded in Yuri’s head as he automatically recalled that moment. He hadn’t thought about kissing him. His body had just moved on its own. It had felt natural to do so and it had been amazing. Although it might have been too early, he didn’t regret it at all. In this short moment, he had been so full of love for Otabek that he couldn’t have helped but express it that way. Thinking about it now, he was a bit ashamed for acting on an impulse. The Kazakh probably had to hold back a lot and Yuri didn’t even try to do so. With no means, he wanted to evoke the idea that he was playing with Otabek’s feelings, because this wasn’t the case. He valued and treasured them. He just didn’t know how to act and how to handle them.

Another knock on the door made Yuri jump up from the bed. He had totally forgotten that he had already been late when Victor had woken him up.

“Yurio! Hurry up!” he heard Yakov’s voice through the door.

As fast as he could, Yuri got dressed. When he took his phone, he remembered what Otabek had said last night. ‘There’s nothing you need to apologize for.’ He trusted the Kazakh and he wanted to trust his words, so if he said that the kiss had been okay, then it was. There was nothing for Yuri to worry about except for giving his best at the short program. Reaching out for the key card to his room, the Russian couldn’t keep in a smile. Yes, everything was going to be fine, if Otabek was with him.


	42. Relaxation

“So…second place, hm?”

Otabek smirked, taking a sip from his coffee in front of him.

 

It was their day off between the short programme and the free skate. Originally, Yuri had planned to stay inside his hotel room and play videogames or catch up on videos. He wasn’t too interested in visiting the city. It was bothering to run away from his annoying fan girls all the time, so it was a lot more relaxed to not leave the hotel. He also had been in Japan several times, so he wasn’t keen on sightseeing.

It had been late afternoon when he was lying on his bed, watching the ceiling. After a few hours, his game had turned boring and the whole internet seemed like the gathering point of the most stupid people in the whole wide world. More and more, as he had nothing to do, he had started wondering what Otabek was doing. He hadn’t heard from him all day and the day before as Victor had done his best to keep Yuri away from him. He had just received a little message from him after he had stepped out of the shower in the evening.   
‘Congratulations, I knew you’d be great.’

Suddenly, a thought popped up in his head. How nice would it be to spend this free day with Otabek? It would be one of the last days they would be together, before… With every day, with every moment he spent thinking of the Kazakh, the more it hurt imagining being without him. Yuri still tried not to decide beforehand what to do. His career was still the most important thing to him, so if Wertmann could help him surpassing everyone who had ever stepped into a rink, he was willing to take that chance. Yet, every time he closed his eyes, Otabek appeared in front of his inner eye. Every time the Kazakh smiled at him, his heart beat went out of control. For the first time in his life, Yuri wasn’t sure if skating was still the most important thing in his life.

In a sudden rush of motivation, Yuri jumped off from his bed. There was no use thinking about things that he could worry about in two weeks, when he could also spent time with somebody he liked. He didn’t knew if Otabek was in his room or not, but he would knock and if he was there, he would ask him to do something together. Because when they were together, Yuri felt great. He felt relaxed and free from all the pressure he put on himself. Especially in regard of the second day of the competition tomorrow, he needed somebody to distract him properly. Yuri put on his shoes, his jacket and was just reaching out for the door handle when somebody knocked. For a second, Yuri was so startled he didn’t move, but when the person outside knocked once more, he found to his senses again and opened the door.

“Otabek?”

“Hey, Yuri,” the Kazakh scratched his neck nervously, “I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I just…” He fell silent when he noticed that Yuri was dressed to go out. “Sorry, I didn’t want you to keep you from going anywhere. I’ll let you…”

“No!” Yuri shouted suddenly. Otabek looked up to him, a confused expression on his face. “Actually, I wanted to see you, too. I was just about to check if you stayed here as well.”

“Oh.” The Kazakh seemed a little startled for a moment, but then he slightly blushed and Yuri once more wondered if it was allowed to be so cute.

He also felt his cheeks redden and he turned down his gaze. For a while, they were awkwardly standing in the hallway, before Otabek began to speak again.

“So…did you have anything in mind when you wanted to see me?”

“Not really. I just wanted to spent time with…” Yuri stopped before he could finish his sentence, but it was already too late. He closed his eyes, scolding himself for saying something so cheesy and stupid. He stilled tried to be just friends with Otabek, so he shouldn’t say such things. Since he had kissed the Kazakh the night before the short programme, he still feared that the other skater could think that he was playing with him. But to his surprise, Otabek smiled.

“Great, because I think I have an idea what we could do.”

 

About half an hour later, they were sitting in a small café close to their hotel. Usually, it would have been a ten minute walk there, but thanks to some crazy fangirls camping in front of the hotel, they had been forced to take a few more detours than necessary. They were sitting on a table in the back of the shop as far away from the windows as possible.

“Yeah, I won’t say that I’m satisfied, but it’s not a bad position to start from for the free skate.” Yuri mumbled into his cup of hot chocolate.

“Nothing but the gold medal will satisfy you, am I right.”

“Well, you haven’t been bad either.”

Yuri put down his cup and looked at Otabek again who was smirking again, but his eyebrows were raised questioningly. “In the competition! I mean, you’re currently on the 5th place,” he added while his face was flushing deeply red. But before he could worry about and why Otabek had understood him THAT way, the Kazakh’s laugh made him look up again.

“But I bet it pisses you off that JJ was better than you, doesn’t it?”

“Don’t you dare say his name on my free day,” Yuri hissed, happy that they had changed the topic so fast.

“You must admit, however, that his performance has been amazing.”

“It wasn’t bad. His skills are good, I must admit that at least. After my break, I was pretty sure that he would surpass me easily, so I’m not surprised at all. One might not think that he’s grown up since he was eleven, yet he really developed a lot over the last year,” Yuri mumbled, his head facing the table.

He might be confident and a little too conscious about his talent, yet Yuri had been aware of his handicap from the day he started to go to practice again after locking himself up in Victor and Yuuri’s guest room. To score that high despite his condition still felt like a miracle to him.

“But his smile and his stupid pose never cease to fuck me up. You need to skate your ass off tomorrow. If he’ll be on the podium, too, I need you next to me or I’ll kill him.”

“And there it is again: your ultimate ego,” Otabek laughed, “Don’t you think it’s a little bold to assume that you’ll be standing in the middle? Believe me, I won’t make it easy for you, so brace yourself.”

 

A few hours later, they walked back to the hotel in silence. It was already dark outside and the street lamps coloured the deserted streets in soft yellow and orange light. They walked next to each other, both of them had tucked their hands into their pockets. With every other step, their elbows touched and sent gentle lightnings through Yuri’s body. More and more, he had to supress the urge to reach out for Otabek’s hand to intertwine their fingers, but he knew that he shouldn’t do that. At the same time, he wished for something to hold on to, because, although he had acted confident about the free skate tomorrow, he was scared.

He was a little relieved when they had finally taken the lift upstairs to their floor, because Yuri wasn’t sure if he would have been able to hold himself back any longer. Otabek walked him to his room. Standing in front of it, none of them tried to say good night. Instead, they were saying nothing, looking at each other’s shoes in awkward silence.

But silence wasn’t good. Yuri felt like his fear and his nervousness started to creep up his body. If there was no outside stimulus to distract him, the thoughts of what might happen tomorrow took over again. His choreography was a lot more demanding and complex. What would happen if his body wasn’t ready to perform such a difficult dance under pressure? What would happen if he fell? What would happen if he failed?

He was so lost in his thoughts that he hadn’t noticed that Otabek had taken a step towards him until he gently touched his arm.

“Yura? Are you alright?”

“I…I don’t know. I…” He swallowed hard.

He knew there was only one thing that could help him fall asleep tonight. There was one thing to calm his mind and to let him forget about all the stress. This thing or better, that person was able to make him live only in the current moment, his touch erasing any feeling of stress and nervousness.

“Would you please stay overnight again?”

At first, Otabek said nothing, so Yuri lifted his gaze from the floor to look at his expression. He was ready to find confusion, irritation or sadness. It had been selfish to ask for something like this. Otabek had to calm down and get ready for tomorrow, too. He wasn’t his personal nanny, being paid to make sure he was well-rested for the competition. But instead of finding any resentment in his face, he was smiling happily. His beautiful brown eyes were shining in a warm tone that spread over to Yuri’s body.

“Sure.”


	43. Dear Butterfly

When Yuri woke up the next morning, he felt something warm on his back. An arm was wrapped around his waist and someone was breathing slowly into his neck. He closed his eyes again and enjoyed how incredibly calm and relaxed he was. If he had thought that only sleeping next to Otabek would feel like one of his long wished-for days off where he could sleep in, stay in shorts all the time and become marshy on the couch with a video game and Potya on his lap, waking up next to him was pure heaven. He didn't even care that the free skate would take place later that day. It didn't matter that he would step on a plane to Germany the day after tomorrow. Right now, the only thing in his mind was how only the fact that Otabek hadn't left, managed to send thousands of little butterflies rising from his stomach and flying all over his body. His arms were covered with goose bumps and he couldn't  keep his lips from smiling. It was bizarre that nothing, not even his first win in the senior league, had been able to make him so incredibly happy.

Cautiously, he turned around to cuddle himself up to Otabek's chest. Under his fingers, he could feel the Kazakh's heart, beating slowly and steadily. For a moment, Yuri reckoned if he was supposed to feel weird as Otabek only wearing his boxer shorts, but all he sensed was the heat of his friend’s skin on his own. Trying not to wake up the Kazakh, Yuri caressed the lines of his muscles and drew small circles on his chest and neck. It was such a simple thing and yet, Yuri’s fingers were trembling like a leaf. Although they had been sleeping with each other several times, this was the first time they woke up like this next to each other. In the past, either Yuri or Otabek had left right after they had finished or they had tip-toed away in the middle of the night. Being able to feel Otabek next to him first thing in the morning, looking into his relaxed sleeping face was new and exciting, motivating the butterflies to shake their tingling wings even more. At the same time, the heat that radiated from the Kazakh’s body flooded right over to Yuri, filling him with a calm and slackening sensation.

For a second, Yuri closed his eyes, considering to sleep for another hour or two when he realized that, although they didn’t need to be at the rink before afternoon, Victor and Yuuri would surely knock to wake him up. They would probably insist on taking him to breakfast to make sure he ate enough. There was no chance that, once he had opened the door to signalise that he was awake, they would leave until he was ready. If they stepped into his room, they would definitely noticed that Otabek was still lying in his bed, nearly naked. Victor would be furious if he found out that this was already the second night they had spent together, although nothing had happened between them. After such a perfect, calm morning, Yuri didn’t fancy to be shouted at by Victor, but more importantly, he didn’t want Otabek to be blamed again. Yuri had asked him to stay over, so he was the only one Victor should be mad at.

Thinking about how to avoid his self-appointed father to see Otabek, Yuri became unsettled, his fingers nervously beating the Kazakh’s chest. As he didn’t want to wake him up before he had found a solution, Yuri wanted to get up, but Otabek’s arms pressed him closer to his body. With a deep and hoarse voice, Otabek whispered into his ears, blowing away all the thoughts in the Russian’s head.

“Good morning, Yura.”

“G…Good morning, Beka.”

Yuri was pretty sure it was forbidden to sound so soft and so sexy at the same time. Otabek’s voice always had a calming effect on him, but now, sounding throaty and sleepy, the warm stream of relaxation that been flowing through his veins pooled and was right on the way to shoot into his lower areas and although Yuri wasn’t loath to sleep with the Kazakh again someday, now wasn’t the right time to get a boner for several reasons.

“Are you okay? You seem a bit troubled?”

“Yes…No…I mean…”

‘Think about something different! Georgi in the shower! Georgi singing about his ex-girlfriend in the shower!’

Closing his eyes, Yuri tried to ignore the effect of Otabek’s voice and to concentrate of the image of his rink mate, dancing and singing naked in the shower, using the shower head as a microphone. It worked a lot better and faster than he had expected. Yuri shook his head vigorously to get the pictures out of his head again. Then, he looked up and saw the confused look on Otabek’s face.

“I’m fine, it’s just…Victor and Yuuri will surely come over soon and I don’t want you to get in trouble, but…

“But…?” Otabek smiled and took Yuri’s hands into his own.

For moment, the Russian hesitated. What he was about to say was so embarrassing. Never ever had he believed that somebody would make him say such cheesy things, yet, never had he believed that anybody could make him feel this way. When he was with Otabek, it didn’t matter if he was saying embarrassing things. The Kazakh deserved to know what Yuri was thinking about him, even though he would love to curl up and die.

“I don’t want you to go,” Yuri mumbled, staring at a point above Otabek’s shoulders.

Obviously surprised by his openness, Otabek blushed deeply red. Then, he wrapped his left arm around Yuri’s waist again and pulled him closer. He buried his nose in the Russian’s hair and placed soft kisses on his head.

“I don’t want to go either,” he quietly admitted after a while.

“But you should. I really don’t want Victor to tear you into pieces again.”

“What time is it?” Otabek asked out of the blue.

“Hm? Why do you want to know?” Yuri asked, but reached out for his phone to check the time only to return into Otabek’s arms right away. “Half past 10.”

“Then we can stay together a little longer.” The Kazakh yawned and closed his eyes.

 “What makes you think that?”

“I overheard Yuuri and Victor talking yesterday. Yuuri wanted to visit a friend today in the city. They were discussing if they were able to return in time and Yuuri said that it should be fine if they came back around noon.”

“Oh…”

The Kazakh was drawling circles and signs on Yuri’s back while the Russian was caressing the soft skin on the other’s waist. For more than two hours, they stayed cuddled up to each other, gently letting their fingers wander over their bodies as if it was the first time they really touched each other. The thought of the championship and Yuri’s desire to win at any cost was so far away, he even forgot about it until Otabek kissed his forehand and loosened his hug.

“I think we should better get ready. I assume that Victor and Yuuri will come back in about half an hour and I’m also supposed to meet my second coach soon.”

A little hesitant, Yuri let go off him and got out of the bed, too. Both of them got dressed in silence. As Otabek walked towards the door, Yuri followed him. Standing in front of it, both of them had no idea what to say. It was Otabek who broke the silence after a while.

“I guess, we won’t see each other until shortly before our performances.”

“Yeah, I think so, too.”

Otabek leant forward and placed a soft kiss on Yuri’s cheek.

“Davai!” he whispered into his ear.

Before Yuri could respond anything, he opened the door and left with a smile on his face. Touching the skin where Otabek’s lips had touched him, the Russian felt how his face became hot and he whispered towards the door.

“Davai!”


	44. Close Your Eyes

Although his day had begun so relaxed, Yuri couldn't help but become a little uneasy about the afternoon. He didn't want to say he was nervous, yet the more he thought about the upcoming free skate, the more his stomach cramped. His lunch with Victor and Yuuri had been draining.

Every time Victor talked too long about anything, mostly stories from his own youth, Yuri had spaced out, his mind switching between his performance and the beautiful morning with Otabek. Of course, his friends had noted that there was something up with him. Victor had already suspected Otabek to be the cause of his absent-mindedness, but luckily, the pig had intervened, convincing his husband that it was the competition that distracted him so much. Victor had tried to cheer him up by telling even more stupid stories from his past until Yuuri decided that it was time to return to the hotel to get ready.

 

Back in his room, Yuri had changed his black and golden skating outfit. While Lilia braided his hair, Yakov used the time to encourage him. If one could call that encouraging. He was a good coach without a doubt, but the moment he had mentioned Yuri’s break, he had managed to let the fears that the Russian had been able to supress with the memories of his morning with Otabek come back to the surface. Everyone in the room had looked at the coach like he had insulted him. Lilia had kicked him out, telling him he should better take care of his other skaters. As soon as he had left the room, there had been an awkward silence, so now it was up to Yuri alone to fight the pictures that popped up in his mind. Images of him not being in the top three, the crowd murmuring about his weak performance. Yuri did his best to blend them all out, but as they left the hotel and made their way towards the rink, he had to admit that the knot inside his stomach tied a lot tighter than before. A big lump built in his throat, making it hard for him to swallow, and every time he thought about what was about to happen his chest tensed as a black hole inside his lunges was soaking his bones, his muscles and his skin into a void.

 

“You should better stay backstage until it’s your turn. It’ll only make you more nervous to see how the others do,” Victor recommended while Yuri was doing his stretching routine.

“Yes, because waiting until twenty-three other people have performed will make it a lot better. Why do I have to be last?,” Yuri hissed back.

“It’s just for your best, Yurio. We don’t want you to put more pressure on yourself. You should take care of your body, you’re still not completely…”

“You know what would be best for me? If all of you would stop talking to me and shut your stupid mouths for a while.”

His outburst had been a bit louder than planned, but finally, everyone around him was quiet at last. Yuri knew that they all meant well, yet it was nerve-wrecking to be talked into staying focused and calm.

“We’ll leave you alone, okay? Come on Victor, let’s wait somewhere else.” Yuuri took his husband’s arm and dragged him out of the changing room where Yuri was preparing.

The only one left was Lilia who watched the Russian quietly as he continued to stretch his legs. From time to time, she softly hit certain parts of his body with her cane when she wanted to signalise him that he should stretch a bit deeper. She had been using that stick for quite a while now and she also used it to beat Yuri when he was bold, calling her an old hag.

Quite some time passed and Yuri’s thoughts turned back to his free skate. On one hand, he was looking forward to it. He wanted to prove to everyone that he had improved a lot since last year and that he was able to defend his title. Also, he wanted to prove to himself that he had been able to overcome these dark weeks where he had been a shadow, just a blurred memory of himself. Only if he would win this competition, or at least a medal, he would be able to leave everything behind. On the other hand, however, he was afraid. What would happen if he failed? What would happen if he lost? Would he be so frustrated that he would give up? Would he blame everything on Otabek? Otabek…

Suddenly, his clenched fists loosened and his body was filled with the comfortable warmth he always felt when Otabek was close to him. Yuri usually would hit his head against a wall for thinking so much like a school girl. Only imagining the Kazakh’s face made him so incredibly happy, he had a hard time not to smile. It was disgusting, but at the same time, it felt amazing. It was the complete opposite of all the darkness that had lived inside him for weeks. Rays of light were bursting out of his heart and allowed him to shine from the inside.

A knock on the door interrupted Yuri’s thoughts. The door opened and Yuuri stuck his head in.

“Hey, I just wanted to tell you it’s Otabek’s turn in a minute. I assumed you might want to see him.” He smiled and closed the door again.

For a second, Yuri did nothing. He was so startled by the fact that Yuuri had invited him to watch his friend’s performance although his husband was trying his best to keep them separated. Then, the Russian realised that he was about to miss Otabek’s performance and he jumped up. He ran towards the door when he met Lilia’s eyes which were narrowed and examining him closely. Yuri froze and didn’t dare to move at all. Much to his surprise, however, his ballet teacher smiled.

“Come on. Hurry!”

Yuri shot through the door and shouted “Thank you” back to the changing room. He hurried down the hallways and pushed several people aside until he nearly crashed against the boards. Just in time. Otabek was just stepping on the ice, the commentator shouting his name through the speakers. The Russian hesitated at first. He didn’t want to destroy his friend’s focus, yet he wanted him to know that he was watching.

“Beka!” he shouted over the ice.

The Kazakh turned around in confusion, but a smile formed on his face when he recognized Yuri.

“Davai!”

Otabek raised his thumb and took his position in the middle of the rink.

The music Otabek had chosen wasn’t conventional at all. He had decided on a song that he loved, a song that was just his type of music. Yuri had liked it from the first time he had heard it. Seeing Otabek skate to it made it even better. His movements, his spins, his jumps. Everything fitted perfectly to the drums and the guitars, his face and his expression following the lyrics. It was breath-taking to watch him. From time to time, Yuri tend to forget what a great skater Otabek was. Of course he knew from all the competitions he had won and from his scores, but seeing him perform was just stunning. His skating was just flawless, no matter how high the technical difficulty was. Straight-faced, he hit jump after jump, pulling the audience’s eyes on him as he turned into the next spin. The Otabek on the ice never ceased to surprise Yuri. Although he was so calm and introverted, he was able to fill the whole rink with his presence. Even Yuri who knew him for quite some time now was wrapped around his fingers, unable to turn away from the determined and definitely attractive young man.

Applause filled the stadium when Otabek had ended his performance and walked to the kiss and cry. Yuri had to supress the urge to run to him right away, but he knew he had to hold back. He had to focus himself, because after JJ, who was performing next, it was his turn. Slowly, he walked to Yakov who was leaning against the wall, Lilia standing next to him. In silence, they waited for the announcement of Otabek’s score and when the numbers finally sounded through the speakers, Yuri couldn’t hold in shriek. Right now, Otabek was in first place, indicating that, no matter how JJ and Yuri would perform, he would definitely be on the winner’s podium.

While JJ was on the ice, Yuri didn’t look at him for a second. His eyes were on Otabek who was busy giving interviews. His hands tingled from the urge to run to him and hug him. Taking a deep breath in, Yuri tried to calm down and focus. If his friend had already given his best, he had to do the same. He closed is eyes and concentrated on his breath. In and out. In and out.

“Yuri. It’s time.” Yakov’s hand on his shoulders lead him into reality again. The Russian opened his eyes again, just when JJ left the ice. He gulped. Now, things were getting real. He walked past all the people next to the boards, past Victor and Yuuri who wished him good luck and past the reporters who were still talking to Otabek. He had already walked by when suddenly a hand was reaching out for him. Yuri turned around and looked into Otabek’s eyes.

“Ehm…,” he stuttered, “Congratu…”

He couldn’t end his sentence as Otabek had pulled him into his arms.

“Do your best out there. I know you can. You’re stronger than anyone else. Just believe in yourself as much as I do,” the Kazakh whispered into his ear.

Then, he let go of him and smiled.

“Davai!”

Yuri was so speechless he just nodded. He wanted to do something or say something, but Yakov forcefully pushed him towards the ice.

All the nervousness he had felt before was gone with a blow, when Yuri’s blades touched the ice. Otabek was right. He was strong and he was a good skater. He was a great skater. He would make this. He would win this.

Taking his position, Yuri closed his eyes and waited for the music to start.


	45. Compass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Yuri skates to is "Compass" by Two Steps From Hell feat. Merethe Soltvedt

Yuri’s chest was rising and falling to the with beat of the song. He was soaking the feeling in that the choir and the drums diffused over the ice like fog that was crawling up from a lake. The atmosphere hovered over the rink, preparing everybody in the audience for what was about to come. Just as the woman’s voice began to break through the cloud, Yuri started to move. He was floating, hardly touching the ground. His mind was focused on the music, holding back the fears that tried to crawl into his consciousness. He didn’t understand a word that beautiful voice was singing. He hadn’t chosen the music for the lyrics but for the incredible atmosphere.

Suddenly, Yuri remembered something. It had been a cosy afternoon. They had been spending their free day chilling on the couch, surfing on the Internet. Otabek had asked him if he had ever looked up the translation of the song he was skating to and when Yuri had negated, he had read them to him. The Russian wasn’t the person to like cheesy and motivating texts, but now that he remembered that day in early September, the autumn sun spreading its golden light through the window. Otabek’s deep and calm voice had brought the syllables and phrased of that foreign language to life. Line after line these word dissolved from the screen and wrapped themselves around Yuri around his arms and legs and imprinted themselves on his skin. That day, those words didn’t only get a meaning, they became him.

_‘We all hold doubts’_

For the first time in years, Yuri had lost faith in himself. He had given up, broken by events that had taken all his strength away. He had believed that he had ruined everything. Because he had been afraid to show his true feelings, he had nearly lost everything he ever really wanted.

_‘The fear of mistakes blinds you to everything.’_

Yes, Yuri was afraid that he could do something wrong. Not landing a jump perfectly, over- or not rotating enough in a spin. He was afraid that his lack of training could be visible. He was afraid that allowing his emotions and his desperation to take over him could cost his win.

_‘But the most beautiful thing you have…’_

Everything that Yuri had tried to achieve in his life was perfection. He had always believed that without his skating abilities, without his success, he was nothing. Yet Otabek had shown him that there was more to him. Not winning gold for one time wouldn’t redefine his worth. Thanks to the Kazakh, he had understood that the outcome wasn’t the only thing that counted. It was the journey, the continuous effort to get better and to grow.

_‘Is a light that shines brightly…’_

Beautiful golden wings grew on his back, shimmering in the same golden colours as the letters on his skin.

_‘And that lives inside…’_

Every time his skates left the ice, the wings were flapping, reflecting the light that shone brightly from inside. A light that was burning with his passion and his love. Not only for Otabek, but also for skating, for ballet. For his grandfather, his cat, for everything that he liked. There was so much more to him than he had used to believe.

_‘A compass that lightens up your night.’_

The last few months had been hard on him. He had gone through a lot without a doubt. But Yuri had managed to get out of the darkness and the shadows that had held him captive. With his own strength, he had been able to get up again and now, he was here. There was nothing to regret, there was just this moment. These four minutes to show everyone watching how much he had grown.

 

When the music faded, Yuri felt like he was waking up from a dream. He had hardly noticed that his performance was already over. His mind and his body, his brain and his skates had been one. He hadn’t been thinking about the performance itself at all. He couldn’t remember if he had made any mistakes. The only things he knew was this incredible feeling inside him. That light inside him had lightened up and that was creating a radiance around him. Right now, it didn’t matter what score he would get. Yuri didn’t care a bit. Because he was proud of himself. Despite everything that had happened, he was standing here, his head high and so full of power and energy that nothing in the whole world would be able to bring him down.

A moment after the music had ended, the whole stadium was quiet. Only Yuri’s heavy breath seemed to be audible. Then, a hurricane of applause crashed onto him. Several bouquets and plushies came flying towards Yuri, but he didn’t care about anyone in the audience. His gaze was chasing up and down the boards looking for the only person he wanted to see right now. When his eyes met Otabek’s, Yuri felt like he was exploding. Yes, he could fight on his own. Despite of the support of his friends, he had managed to come back even stronger than before without any help. But no matter how strong he was now, no mater how bright his own light was shining, Otabek would always make him stronger. He would always make his light shine even brighter and there was nothing wrong with it. When Yuri slowly skated back to the boards, the Kazakh smiled at him and Yuri had to supress the urge to jump into his arms.

The first ones awaiting him on solid ground were Yakov and Lilia. Both of them hugged him so strongly, Yuri was afraid his lungs might crash. Next, storming towards him like he was their own child, Victor and Yuuri hugged him even tighter than his coaches.

“You did amazing, Yurio. We’re so, so proud of you,” Victor cried, pressing Yuri’s face into his chest.

“Gosh…pull yourself together, old man. You’re all acting like I survived cancer or something like that.”

The Russian tried his best to free himself from the other’s hug, but Victor was a lot stronger than he looked like.

“You haven’t seen yourself out there! It was like you were reborn!”

Now, he started to twist his upper body, forcing Yuri to move along with him.

“Help! Anybody?” Yuri shouted, still unable to break out.

“Come on, Vitya. Let him go. They’re already waiting for him.” Yuuri’s soft touch on Victor’s shoulder made the latter loosen his hug and allowed Yuri to breathe again.

Looking over his friend’s shoulders, he saw Otabek smiling at him. Yuri wanted to run towards him and throw himself into his arms, but Lilia’s cane against his legs signalised him that he was supposed to join them at the kiss and cry. Slowly, he followed her and Yakov, but his eyes kept wandering to the Kazakh.

While there were sitting on the bench, surrounded by cameras, Yuri wasn’t nervous at all. For the first time in his life, he didn’t care about the score. He didn’t need it to validate his performance. He stared towards the rink where the podium was being prepared, but he didn’t really see it. Yuri didn’t see or think about anything. His mind was calm and empty like it hadn’t been in months. Now that everything was over, he felt so relaxed he could fall asleep any second. He closed his eyes for a second and…

Suddenly, both Lilia and Yakov hugged him at the same time. Pretty close to him, Yuri heard Victor cry and from the audience, people were shouting his name.

“What happened?” he murmured, when his gaze stopped at the huge screen above them.

Yuri Plisetsky. 214,03 points. Total score: 320,54. 1st place.

“You made it!” Yakov laughed.

Lilia smiled, too. “I’m really proud you.”

“Thank you. Without you, I wouldn’t have make it here.”

Yakov slapped on his back and through the masses of reporters they walked towards the rink for the award ceremony. Yuri hardly noticed that he answered all the questions automatically, he didn’t realise that he shook JJ’s hand without trying to clean his hand afterwards, because just before they stepped on the ice again, Otabek was finally standing in front of him. Both of them hesitated for a second, but then, they just fell into each other’s arms, ignoring the world around them.

“You were amazing, Beka!” Yuri’s voice was just a whisper against Otabek’s shoulder.

It was a miracle that they were able to hear each other regarding the noise around them. But the two of them were on their own world. A bubble surrounded them, making their words only audible for the each other.

“You, too. Yura. I knew you could do it.”

Otabek’s arms around his waist sent shivers through Yuri’s body. It felt so right, it even hurt. If he could, he would never let go of the Kazakh. The Russian wrapped his arms even tighter around his friend’s neck, feeling his hot breath on that sensitive spot behind his ears. He was just about to say how happy he was to be able to be on the podium next to him, when Otabek whispered something into his ear, that made his brain stop working.

“I knew that you still are that soldier I fell in love with.”

Yuri’s mind was blank, only Otabek’s words echoing again and again from the walls of his brain. He was unable to move or say anything. He wanted to, but everything inside him seemed to have crashed. His arms lost their strength and Otabek drew back a little to look into Yuri’s face. But before the Russian could read his expression, their bubble popped and the noises from outside came crashing in, bringing them back to reality.

Yuri couldn’t remember how he had managed to walk to the podium and accept his medal. He had no idea how he had given all these interviews. In general, he didn’t remember a lot of what had happened afterwards when he fell into his bed that night, but there was one thing that was so present in his mind, that it was burnt into his consciousness – the hardly controllable desire to kiss Otabek.


	46. As If It's Your Last

"You look great, Yurio. This waistcoat really suits you.," Victor squealed and jumped around Yuri taking photos from every angle.

"Gosh, Victor! What the fuck is wrong with you. It's not my prom, just that stupid Gala dinner."

"But we're so proud of you! You did amazing in the competition. You even won the gold medal!"

Yuri sighed. It had been that way since yesterday. Everybody was exaggerating a lot. This wasn't the first time he had won and although he was happy and proud, even a little relieved, he wasn't feeling as usual.

 

The whole day, yesterday, and most of the time today, he had thought about Otabek, about the moment right before the award ceremony. About how much he had wanted to kiss him. About how lonely he felt last night when he had been forced to sleep on his own as Victor and Yuuri had him invited out for dinner to celebrate. When they had returned to the hotel, it had been 3am. Yuri had thought of texting Otabek to see if he was awake. It was too tempting to fall asleep in his arms again, to be surrounded by his warmth, feeling his hot and calm breath in his neck. It was enough for Yuri to close his eyes to remember how Otabek had caressed his arm softly with his thumb. He had breathed gentle, hardly noticeable kisses in Yuri's neck and on his back and when he had intertwined their fingers the night before the short programme, when the Russian had been so nervous, he was trembling like a leaf, Yuri remembered that tingly feeling that had shooted through his veins, making his heart skip a beat before it adjusted its rhythm to Otabek's. Looking at the time stamp, however, he decided to delete the short message he had already typed. Otabek had been online for the last time about three hours ago. No matter how much Yuri wanted to be with him right now, it wasn't fair to wake him up from his well-earned sleep. But then, the stamp switched to online and without thinking, Yuri hit the send button.

"U still awake?"

Immediately, he had gotten a reply.

"Yeah, we're still out. I guess Dimitri really wants us to get drunk tonight."

"Oh okay. Have fun then," Yuri answered hardly able to hide his disappointment.

He threw his phone on the bed and went to the small bathroom to brush his teeth. He got undressed and cuddled up to the pillow on the second half of the bed that was still carrying Otabek's scent. Just when his eyes became heavy, his phone rang once more. Yuri picked it up, screwing up his eyes due to the bright light of the screen. Slowly, he was able to open them again.

"I'm sorry. I wish I was able to be with you right now. I wish I could fall asleep with you in my arms, holding you as tight as possible. But I guess I'll have to be satisfied with just dreaming of you. Good night."

Yuri felt his face heat up, knowing he was flushing bright red. Otabek's text was so cheesy, but at the same time, Yuri was incredibly happy. To know that he wasn't alone with his feelings, to know that Otabek was yearning for him as much as Yuri did for him, filled his body with a sweet and tingling heat. With trembling fingers, he typed a short reply and threw himself on the pillow again, hugging it tightly while smiling like an idiot.

"Me too."

 

When Yuri had woken up this morning, he had looked forward to see Otabek at the Gala Exhibition but somehow, they had never been able to talk. All the time, someone had disturbed them, so Yuri had been forced to calm down his wish to spent time with the Kazakh by throwing glances at him all the time which earned him disapproving looks from Victor. The exhibition had been fun, but Yuri was happy that only the Gala was left until this competition was truly over. He hated that so many people were around him all the time and after he had won, most of them wanted to talk to him what annoyed him even more. Hopefully, he would be able to talk to Otabek, even if it as just for a bit.

Like usual, the Gala was celebrated in one of the rooms in the hotel where all the skaters were accommodated. This had two important advantages. First, if Yuri was sick of talking to people, he could just leave and lock himself up in his room and second, if the pig and the old man got wasted as usual, he wouldn’t have to help them into a taxi. The Russian was pretty sure that his friends would drink way too much tonight. Some of their fellow former skaters had been invited, too and if Chris and Phichit were there…Yuri didn’t want to imagine how the night would end.

 

When he stepped into the large room where the Gala was celebrated, he was really close to turn around right away. Hundreds of people, that was at least what it looked like, were stuffed into the room. They were chattering and glasses were clinking while somewhere in the background lift music was playing. Yuri had to force himself a lot to go in and when a waiter with a tray of Champaign filled glasses passed by, he took two and emptied them in one go. Hoping that they would start to take full effect soon, he waded through the crowds trying to find Otabek, yet it was harder then he thought. Every second person he walked past grabbed him by his arm and wanted to talk to him. Differently from the Exhibition, he knew most people, but no matter how nice it might be to chat with some of them, he couldn’t wait to finally talk to his friend. He had no real idea what he wanted to talk about, he was just looking forward to hear the Kazakh’s deep voice.

He had nearly walked through the whole room when he finally saw him. He was standing on one of the bar tables, talking to a girl who Yuri had already seen once or twice, but he couldn’t remember her name. Yuri was just about to call out for Otabek when somebody wrapped his arms around his shoulder.

“What the…”

“Yurio!” someone whispered into his ear.

“Yuuri?” The Russian turned around.

“I just wanted to remind you to go to bed early today. Your flight’s at 9 am tomorrow, so you need to get up in time!”

“Oh…”

Thanks to the stress during the last days, Yuri had completely forgotten that he would fly to Germany next morning. He had booked the flight so early, because he had assumed to skip the Gala as he didn’t want to meet Otabek there. His heart missed a beat. How could he have forgotten about this? Yuri’s chest cramped and became incredibly heavy when he realized that this was the last time he would be able to talk to Otabek for weeks. Soon, he would need to decide whether to stay with Wertmann or return to St. Petersburg, so this was his last chance to… Well, what should he do? He already knew about Otabek’s true feelings and that he wanted to be in a serious relationship with him. It was himself who hadn’t decided yet.

“Don’t think too much. This is your last night together. Enjoy it and do whatever your heart tells you to do,” Yuuri whispered into his ear before he lifted his weight off Yuri’s shoulders and walked back to his husband.

For a while, Yuri didn’t move, trying to take his friend’s word in. Basically, he was right. Yuri should really try to enjoy this evening. Yet, there was this feeling inside him that pulled him down. It filled his arms and legs and overshadowed the happiness and the anticipation he had heated him up.

“Yura?” Suddenly someone was calling his name. He lifted his head and saw Otabek standing right in front of him. “Are you alright?”

Otabek’s face was worried, but at the same time he had this sparkle in his eyes. That sparkle that he only had when he looked at Yuri. That sparkle that instantly made all the heaviness in the Russian disappear.

“Yeah…I’m… I’m fine. It’s just too crowdy in here,” he mumbled.

“Shall we go outside then?”

“Sure, but…” Yuri hesitated. Behind Otabek’s back he could see the girl the Kazakh had been talking to coming closer as if she wanted to join them. “I don’t want to keep you away from spending time with other important people.”

Much to his surprise, Otabek smiled and took his hand. “Nobody could be more important to me than you are.” Then, he dragged him outside onto the huge, deserted balcony.


	47. Bonfire Heart

It was chill outside, but the warmth that Otabek's hand radiated was enough for Yuri. His hands were getting sweaty and he would have wiped them on his trousers, if that didn't mean to let go of the Kazakh. A fresh wind blew through his hair. The silence of the night helped Yuri to calm down a little and to sort his thoughts which had been impossible inside the party hall that was filled with voices and laughter.

Otabek guided him to the stairs that lead from the balcony to the small garden behind the hotel. He sat down on the first stair and invited Yuri to do the same with a soft smile. Without letting go of the Kazakh’s hand, Yuri took a seat next to him.

“You look amazing, Yura,” Otabek whispered, brushing a strand of blond hair behind the Russian’s ear.

“Thank you. You look stunning, too.”

He really did. Otabek was wearing a dark blue button-up shirt and a black tie. He had put a little bit of gel into his hair which made him look different from usual. Not bad, just different.

“Thanks.”

For a while, none of them said a word, but it wasn’t uncomfortable at all. Yuri felt little sparks of firework explode wherever Otabek touched him. The sensation of the warmth of the Kazakh’s body right next to Yuri’s combined with the coldness of the air around them kindled a small tornado inside his stomach that whirled around fast, putting his body and mind into a turmoil. Now that Yuuri had reminded him of his early departure tomorrow, Yuri became nervous.

There were so many unspoken things between him and Otabek. None of them really knew what their relationship was like. They weren’t dating, but they weren’t ‘just friends’ either. Maybe they should get all things straight before he would step onto that plane tomorrow. It was probably the best thing to talk everything out before one of them would get hurt again. Yuri swallowed. It was his turn now to say something. Otabek had already made his position clear.  

"Beka, I..." Yuri hesitated for a moment, unsure what to say. Was it okay for him to confess in such a situation? He couldn't promise that he would return to Russian after those two weeks. He didn't want Otabek to waste his time waiting from him if he decided to stay with Wertmann for a while, yet at the same time, this was exactly what he wished for. Right here, under the beautiful shimmer of the Japanese moonlight, Yuri wanted nothing more than to be with the Kazakh. Not only physically but emotionally. He wanted to be sure that Otabek was his and he wanted to be exclusivly Otabek's. On the other hand, however, it felt unfair to say such things.

"Yura?"

"I...I..."

"You don't need to push yourself," Otabek mumbled and caressed Yuri's hand.

"No. I'm not forcing myself. I… just don't know how to say it."

Otabek smiled at him softly. He seemed to be completely relaxed, but in his eyes, Yuri could see how nervous he actually was. The Russian’s fingers were shaking as Otabek’s thumb gently fondled the back of Yuri's hand.

"I know it's all fucked up between us and I know it's stupid and unfair to say it these things to you you as I’m going to leave tomorrow morning, but I just can't stay silent. I've done it before and most of this mess just happened, because I didn't manage to say it the first time. It feels like this is my last chance to tell you before..." Yuri's voice was quiet and trembling. Although he knew that he didn't need to worry about anything, he was nervous. This was the first time in his life he was about to tell somebody that he truly loved him. Taking a deep breath, Yuri braced himself for what was coming up.

"Beka, I l..."

"So that’s where you’re hiding, Otabek!" A female voice interrupted him.

Why the hell did the universe always interfere with his plan? The Russian sighted and turned around. The young girl who had been talking to the Kazakh before was walking towards them.

"Elizabet?" Otabek had turned around, too. "What are you doing here?"

Hearing her name, Yuri realised why she seemed so familiar to him. She had won the silver medal in the women's competition. She was from Kazakhstan, too, so whenever the reporters had tried to get a picture or an interview from Otabek as 'the Hero of Kazakhstan', she had been there as well.

"I was looking for you. You suddenly left me all alone."

"I'm sorry, I...," Otabek scratched his neck.

The girl smiled. "No need to apolozise. But don't you want to come inside again? Some people are pretty drunk already and they started dancing. You need to see this!"

Without waiting for a reply, she took Otabek's arm and pulled him into the large room. Yuri followed them, feeling a little flame of anger spark up in his chest. What did this girl think who she was? Didn’t she notice that she had interrupted them? Why did she think, she was allowed to pull Otabek away from him? Grumbling, Yuri stepped into the party hall and looked around. Of course, he had lost them. All around him, people were dancing and shouting, Yuuri and Victor in the middle of them. Usually, it would have been great fun to film them and show them later how wasted they were. Yuri owed a video collection of his friends being drunk in public. He had presented half of if at their wedding, much to their embarrassment. But now wasn’t the time to film anyone. He would just ask Phichit to send it to him later as he was probably somewhere in the crowd with his smart phone in his hands.

Shoving people aside, Yuri searched the whole room until he finally found Otabek and Elizabet somewhere in the lesser crowded back. So much about watching the dance off. Before he joined them, Yuri took a moment to look at them. They would really make a beautiful couple, it was no wonder why people assumed they would be dating. They were both handsome, successful and both the stars of their nation. It hurt a little, watching them talk in a language he didn’t really understand and seeing them so close to each other. Judging from Elizabet’s expression, she was even flirting with the Kazakh, yet, Otabek was avoiding her touch whenever he could. Still, Yuri felt jealousy lit the fire inside him even more. He tried to take a deep breath in order not to shout at her, but then she tucked her arm into Otabek’s and leant on his shoulder. What had been a small flame when she had pulled the Kazakh away from him was now a bonfire. Without thinking much, Yuri stormed towards them, took Otabek’s hand and pulled him away from Elizabet.

“Don’t you dare laying your dirty hands on my boyfriend again!”


	49. 8 Letters

Still holding Otabek’s hand, Yuri ran outside, his own words echoing in his head. ‘Don’t you dare laying your dirty hands on my boyfriend again!’

He couldn’t believe what he had done. What had gotten into him to call Otabek his boyfriend? That was what he wanted, of course, but to say or better shout it out loud in front of other people… His feelings had snapped, his emotions boiling over when he had seen this girl Elizabet holding onto Otabek’s arms. He couldn’t stand the sight of somebody being so close to the Kazakh. It had reminded him of that day when he had seen Otabek with his friend in that café, convinced that he had been on a date. That feeling of thousand small needles stepping into his heart had returned instantly. His legs and hands had started trembling. For a second, it was like he was reliving this moment that had destroyed his life for a once more.

Yuri was frozen in time, the image of the scene in the café overlapping with the sight in front of him. The cold fingers of the dark shadows that still surrounded him, waiting for the right time to return, had been reaching out for him. Wrapping their arms made out of black smoke around his body, Yuri was dragged into that place inside his mind where he had been held captive for weeks. More and more he was pulled inside, his sight vanishing and becoming blurry when he noticed a small detail. While that girl tried to get closer to Otabek, the Kazakh did his best to keep his distance without shoving her away. He didn’t want to be touched by her this way. This was Yuri’s privilege. 

He should be the only one to be allowed to touch Otabek that way. He should be the only one to rest his head on Otabek’s shoulder. Nobody else should get this close to him. He had been so mad at her for daring to get so close to somebody who was already taken. Everybody should know that Otabek belonged to Yuri. Everybody should be aware that if they tried to take the Kazakh away, they would have to handle Yuri first. He wasn’t kidding if he said that he would tear anyone apart who tried to take his place.

A nerve in Yuri’s head snapped and he realized something. Objectively, she wasn’t at fault. She didn’t knew that he and Otabek had something going on. They weren’t dating. They weren’t anything than friends. If only Yuri had been able to end his confession. But it had been that stupid girl to interrupt them. Now, everything was messed up again. He didn’t even know if Otabek wanted to be his boyfriend. Yuri did assume so, but he didn’t know for sure. What if he would turn him down, because he had changed his mind. What if he didn’t want to be with him since Yuri was going to Germany without promising to return after those two weeks? So far, he hadn’t decided what he would do after this trail period was over. Maybe he would stay there. This didn’t mean that they couldn’t be together, yet through starting a long-distance relationship, they would only get hurt again.

Suddenly, panic filled him up and he let go of Otabek’s hand. Hiding his face in his arms, he clawed his fingers into his hair. By reacting on impulse, he might just have ruined everything again. Why couldn’t they do everything in the right order? His breathe increased and Yuri was close to hyperventilate. Why, just why couldn’t they just be happy?

Two strong arms were wrapped around him and pulled him into a hug. At first, Yuri tried to free himself, but when he noticed Otabek’s scent, he stopped resisting and clawed his fingers into the Kazakh’s shirt. The other skater caressed his back and fondled his hair, while the Russian tried to calm down. Otabek was still there. He didn’t run away as soon as Yuri had let go of him so maybe everything was still alright.

After a while, Otabek loosened his tight hug and took a step back to look at Yuri.

“Are you alright, Yura?”

“Yes… I mean no… I…” Yuri took a deep breath. “I’m sorry for what I did inside. I shouldn’t have dragged you away all of a sudden. I shouldn’t have called you my boyfriend. I saw you with her and I… I just got so jealous. Nobody besides me should be allowed to get so close to you. I acted on an impulse. I didn’t think and I said something that wasn’t okay. I don’t want you to think that I…,” he stumbled. All those words got mixed up in his head and what came out as a sentence wasn’t what he really wanted to say. He sounded like he wanted to explain to Otabek that he didn’t want to be with him. When he look up to his friend, Otabek’s expression showed him that the Kazakh was thinking the same. He bit his lip, his eyes full of pain and disappointment.

“It’s okay, Yura. I just thought…” his voice was silent, nearly cracking. It was heart-breaking to hear how hurt Otabek was with every word that left his lips.

“No! That’s not what I’m trying…” Yuri tried to interrupt him, but Otabek didn’t want him to finish his sentence.

“No, you don’t need to explain yourself. It’s fine. I was just so happy when you…”

“I love you.”

Otabek lifted his glance confusedly. “What?”

“That’s what I was trying to tell you the whole night. I wanted to tell you when we sat on the stairs before that stupid girl came and dragged you inside. I only came to this stupid Gala to tell you. No, actually I wanted to tell you at the rink, but…”

The flinch of pain lifted from Otabek’s face and the confusion in his eyes shifted to that sparkle of happiness that Yuri loved so much. But still, there was a glimpse of disbelief behind that glow.

“Say it again.” His voice was shaking and when he took Yuri’s hands, the Russian noticed how much he was trembling. “Please, say it again.”

“I love you.”

Otabek shook his head as a beautiful smile appeared on his lips.

“I never thought I would hear those words from you,” he whispered and brushed a strand of hair out of Yuri’s face. “You have no idea how much I want to kiss you right now, Yura."

“Then…why don’t you?”

For a moment, Otabek didn’t move, but then grabbed Yuri’s waist and pulled him so close their chests touched.

His face was hovering right before Yuri's. His warm brown eyes were radiant with love and affection and if he wasn't holding Yuri so tight, the Russian’s legs would surely collapse, judging from how much they trembled. Just slowly, Otabek came closer and when he closed his eyes, Yuri did the same. It felt like hours, sensing the hot breath on his lips, feeling a higher power pulling them closer and when Otabek's lips finally touched his, their touch was so soft, Yuri thought he would melt. Gentle as always, the Kazakh waited from him to return the kiss, but when Yuri had started to move his lips against the other's, Otabek completely threw his restraints overboard. His hand that rested on Yuri's waist tightened its grab and his free hand wandered to the Russian's cheek, clawing his long fingers into his hair. What had begun so innocently, soon changed into a deep and passionate kiss. Otabek nudged his tongue against Yuri's lips and the Russian wasn't able to do anything but let him inside. Even if he wanted to, he wasn't able to move at all. The only thing he could do was follow Otabek's movements and craw himself into the other's shirt and enjoy it. Not that he wanted to do differently anyways.


End file.
